My Daughter, Destinee Electra Rose
July 14th 2011 was the day that my beautiful 1 month old baby girl passed away... The night before, I had taken her out of her bed to feed and change her.. I was so exhausted that when i was finished, i laid her on my chest and went to sleep.. This was around 3:30am. I woke up around 7am, and noticed she had rolled over on her stomach.. I rolled her back over, and noticed she was blue, and not breathing.. I tried to breathe some air into her. But nothing... I started to panic, and ran into my cousins bedroom, and screamed to his girlfriend that Destinee wasnt breathing.. She took her, told my cousin to call 911 and began giving her CPR. I fell to the floor screaming telling her not to give up.. The first responders arrived about 10 minutes later, and took her to the hospital.. I wasnt allowed to ride with, so my cousins girlfriend and i got in the car and drove to the hospital (which was about 20 miles from the town we were in) The whole way there i had to make phone calls to my mother, sisters, and a cousin. I arrived at the hospital around 7:45am, where they sent me into a bright room. All i could do was hope my baby was ok.. The doctor came in a few minutes later and told me i could come "say my goodbyes" So i went into the room where they were pumping oxygen into her. I held her hand, and begged and prayed for God not to take her.. I then saw blood come from her nose, and it was then that i knew she was gone.. The doctors let me stay with her for awhile, while family members came to "say their goodbyes" I cried so much that day, that no more tears would fall from my eyes.. I stayed with her for hours, until i could finally build up enough strength to let the autopsy people come and get her.
It has now been 7 months since her death, and i still have nightmares, i still see her blue face all the time.. I started drinking, popping pills, and having sex to ease the pain.. It was just last month when i finally hit reality, and realized that none of that ever helped. It only took it away for the moment... I am now looking for ways to cope, and deal with it. Rather than shove it in the back of my mind, where it eats away at me day in and day out.. I dont think there will ever be a day that i dont think of her, or want her back here with me.. And i still ask why? Why her? Why an innocent baby? ... I guess some questions are always going to be left unanswered...