My daughter is now an only child
I gave birth to three lovely children, a son Shannen in 1973, Tanya in 1975 and Shayna in 1980. Only Tanya is left, an only child.
At the age of 22 years, in 1995 Shannen died suddenly of a prescription overdose, We don't know for sure if it was accidental or intentional. He was a promising artist, but wanted everything to happen yesterday. Anyway his youngest sister Shayna took it very hard and her life seemed to go off track, this May she took her own life.
I coped well over the years after losing Shannen, had to as their father never learned to cope and I in the end had no choice but to divorce him in hopes of saving the girls. He was drunk so much of the time. Shayna took it on herself to look out for her father and he took her down to his level. Eventually the drink took her into drugs, homelessness etc. The road to despair. Over the passed 4 years she seemed to be getting things turned around, off the drugs, new flat, friend changes, but she was always called back to the old life, a phone call - someone in trouble and she would be off to help. Lately she'd become paranoid and although she wanted to do something with her life the confidence wasn't there, three days before hanging herself she'd asked me to download the "The Climb" by Mylee Cyrus and said that's how she felt.
On the morning of her death I was on a bus to meet her to get her some help, but it was to late, I received a phone call on the bus into town to say she was dead. The next few weeks I was on automatic, as usual her father was of no help, thank God for Tanya, she rushed back from Germany and we made all the arrangements etc. My husband was very supportive, but due to the difficulties with their father my husband stayed in the background.
I've just had 3 weeks in bed with a UTI, Diverticulitis, and a bug. Doctor says it was probably delayed shock and my body saying Stop a bit and rest. I know I will get through this and know not to blame myself and others, but it's not the easiest thing to do. I just keep telling myself blame creates bitterness and bitterness makes you old, not ready for that yet.
Tomorrow will be 4 months since I lost my baby and I know it's early days yet but it's a real bummer. I don't like to let Tanya know how I'm feeling as it's not fair on her .... my only child.