My daughter killed herself at age 11
by Ginny Taman
Michaela, Age 11
We survived nearly miscarrying Michaela at 3 months. We survived being tossed about in my minivan at 8 months pregnant with Michaela. And we were so thankful that instead of being born Michael, a baby boy with Downs Syndrome, she was a perfectly healthy baby girl born New Years Eve, 2001.But after suffering with Type 1 Diabetes since age 6, Michaela struggled with bouts of depression. One week after moving my family from Texas to Cape Cod MA (a work transfer), Michaela hung herself at the beach house where we were staying for the summer. I happened to be away in Texas tying up loose ends for work, while my husband, Michaela and my two boys, Austin 14 and Tucker 12, were all enjoying the summer at Onset Village. She hung herself with our dog's leash using the over the door town rack in the bathroom. My entire family is still falling apart as a result of this horrific experience and great loss. I started a blog to work through it. And because it isn't censored for foul language and the like -- it is pure emotion from my heart the way I feel down and dirty -- I will simply say that if anyone wants to read my story, visit: www.goodmourningsister.com and you can see my journey thus far.
To all the other parents out there suffering, you are not alone though you think you are. No, your friends and family, no matter how much they love you and are about you, cannot ever fathom the depths of your pain. My hearts aches with you, as do the hearts of others like you who wish only to turn back time and have a second chance. I understand why you cry in the shower, on your way home from work and when you pass the little girls/boys sections in Target. I understand why no holiday has been the same, and why you are a stranger to yourself. And I get why you and your spouse are trying but everything has changed. I don't know your name, but I do know you. And you, too, know me. Your child took a part of your soul when she/he died.And for the mothers, that baby was once a physical part of your body. You will never feel the same as you did before your loss. In time, you will redefine your normal, but things will never truly be normal without your child. From one devastated mother to another, I understand your pain and cry for all of us.