My daughter killed herself at age 11

by Ginny Taman
(Carver MA)

Michaela, Age 11

Michaela, Age 11

We survived nearly miscarrying Michaela at 3 months. We survived being tossed about in my minivan at 8 months pregnant with Michaela. And we were so thankful that instead of being born Michael, a baby boy with Downs Syndrome, she was a perfectly healthy baby girl born New Years Eve, 2001.But after suffering with Type 1 Diabetes since age 6, Michaela struggled with bouts of depression. One week after moving my family from Texas to Cape Cod MA (a work transfer), Michaela hung herself at the beach house where we were staying for the summer. I happened to be away in Texas tying up loose ends for work, while my husband, Michaela and my two boys, Austin 14 and Tucker 12, were all enjoying the summer at Onset Village. She hung herself with our dog's leash using the over the door town rack in the bathroom. My entire family is still falling apart as a result of this horrific experience and great loss. I started a blog to work through it. And because it isn't censored for foul language and the like -- it is pure emotion from my heart the way I feel down and dirty -- I will simply say that if anyone wants to read my story, visit: and you can see my journey thus far.

To all the other parents out there suffering, you are not alone though you think you are. No, your friends and family, no matter how much they love you and are about you, cannot ever fathom the depths of your pain. My hearts aches with you, as do the hearts of others like you who wish only to turn back time and have a second chance. I understand why you cry in the shower, on your way home from work and when you pass the little girls/boys sections in Target. I understand why no holiday has been the same, and why you are a stranger to yourself. And I get why you and your spouse are trying but everything has changed. I don't know your name, but I do know you. And you, too, know me. Your child took a part of your soul when she/he died.And for the mothers, that baby was once a physical part of your body. You will never feel the same as you did before your loss. In time, you will redefine your normal, but things will never truly be normal without your child. From one devastated mother to another, I understand your pain and cry for all of us.

Comments for My daughter killed herself at age 11

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Apr 14, 2014
Thank you
by: Bart

Thank you for the encouraging words in the midst of your grief. I have allowed my son's suicide last year to make me a useless piece of nothing, but I'm starting to emerge after finally seeking some counseling. I'm starting to see that maybe I can use my son's death as a catalyst to do good in the world. Maybe help at an orphanage or something. Its still too early for me to fully emerge from my self-pity, but at least I'm starting to imagine something useful. I want to give someone all this love I have for my son.

Apr 04, 2014
by: Michelle

I never did say how sorry I was for the death of your daughter, I honestly am. I feel as if we have been sentenced to life with no chance of parole, joy, or happiness till death. It's all you think about and everything else filters through that one thought that consumes your entire being "they are gone" I have become one of the most unproductive, uncaring people I know

Apr 02, 2014
Your Daughter
by: Doreen UK

Michelle I am so sorry for your hurt and pain you are still suffering GREAT GRIEF. UNDERSTANDABLE. There are many insensitive people around who never know what to say and then say something so ugly that adds to one's grief. JUST IGNORE THEM. We all have a bunch of people around us like this. It is very CRUEL and HURTFUL. You have lost your Adult Child to a sudden cruel death caused by extreme carelessness. Many accidents could be avoided by due care and attention. You need a lot of kind, loving, supportive people around you to help you when things get tough as they do off and on for a very long time. Getting up each day is just another day of doing it all over again, and feeling pain and sorrow that takes too long to go. There is nothing worse than what you are going through right now and I hope you get some support to help you through this grief even if this be a good counsellor. May God continually COMFORT You and give you His Peace.

Apr 02, 2014
Thank you!
by: Ina Lynn

I am deeply saddened by the loss of your precious angel. I appreciate you words and they have touched me deeply. My first love went to be with God 5 months ago. You are correct I often feel very much alone because I could never express to anyone the depth of my pain. My only son had a piece of my sole that was just for him, and when he left it left with him. I know that we will never be the same again and I’m not quite sure that the paid will ever ease. Knowing that there is someone that understands what I cant express to others is of comfort. Thank you, I pray that one day we will be able to find joy in living again. God Bless you

Apr 01, 2014
loss of a child
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your understanding. I lost my son at the age of 7. I blame myself for his loss. That was 20 years ago and i know i will never be really happy again. The memories of him are great but then it all ends. It still seems like a bad dream and how i wish i could wake up and things would be like they were before. God help us all on this sad, lonely journey we now find ourselves on.

Mar 31, 2014
Your daughter
by: Michelle

Well done! Raw, honest, straight to the ugly truth. Wish I'd a said it first. As I read your blog I kept thinking "Hey" that's me. Although my daughter did not commit suicide, I too lost my child, my life, my reason for being. I hate my life every rotten day. I get up, go to work (I work from home which has been a blessing as I can sleep and work in the same clothes for weeks before I finally surrender them to the laundry) I make no eye contact when I do leave as I have heard it all. One of my favorites is that she could have died a more horrible death as if getting hit by a truck while jogging isnt bad enough. My daughter was a fanatic about her health and they could not even use her kidneys or lungs or liver due to the damage the impact had on her tiny frame. She told me everything and now my everything is gone. I don't know where to go from here and I won't tell you you have a husband and other children who need you because I also have a husband of 28 years and a son and even a beautiful granddaughter. My Megan was 22. Hugh

Mar 31, 2014
Our pain
by: Cindy

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. Your pain must be unbearable, especially considering the tragic circumstances. I lost my 17 year old son Ethan in August, 2013 after a very brief ( 6 days) and unexpected illness. There are no words to express the pain and loss I feel. The only comfort I have is that I will someday be wherever he is. I wish you and your family the strength to be there for each other.

Mar 31, 2014
My daughter killed herself at age 11
by: Doreen UK

Ginny I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful young daughter Michaela, who died too soon. My nephew aged 30yrs. suffered depression and his medication caused the suicidal feelings and he threw himself in front of an express train 9yrs. ago. My sister was in pieces and could not function and had to have a counsellor go to her home and pick up what was left of my sister and help her get up from this pain and sorrow. I do believe all parents have a breakdown when they lose a child. Your life shatters into a thousand pieces and you can't put yourself together again. Most parents need professional support. You will never get over the loss of a child EVER. You just learn to live with your loss with a broken heart forever. To be in such physical and emotional pain from grief is such a hard battle to overcome. If Ever. Michaela is such a beautiful girl. What a loss to your family. I have suffered depression and suicidal feelings and suffered greatly for a long time. I was about to go over the edge and got counselling in time. My heart is deeply grieved for you and your family for Michaela not getting the support she needed. The help for those who are depressed is not supportive enough. My nephew called out for someone to help him. But he couldn't live in his world anymore and so ended his pain by throwing himself in front of an express train. This type of death was cruel, brutal, and violent, and does affect one's grief. My heart breaks for everyone who feels suicidal because it hurts to be in this place and helpless to come out of it without structured support. I am sorry for your loss and for your whole family and extended family going through this awful pain, and sorrow that is crushing. May God reach down and Comfort you all and help you find Peace in your sorrow, Pain, and loss of Michaela.

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