My Daughter was Killed by a Drunk Driver

by Kathy
(Albuquerque, NM)

On June 16th, 2012, I heard the words that no parent ever wants to hear and that was that my daughter was dead. My son-in-law called me hysterical and I could not make out what he was saying and so I gave the phone to my other daughter and she understood what he was saying. It was such a shock that I could not feel anything at all. Just this vast empty feeling. She lived in New Mexico with her husband and children. I had just come home from visiting them for 6 months and was due to leave in another couple of weeks to go back for my grandson's football season. But instead I and my other daughters and son went to Albuquerque to have a Memorial Service for my Dabbie. She was a very popular person and had beem involved with the youth football teams for years.She was only 36 years old and I always thought that I would be the one that went first. The scum that did this horrible thing was almost 4 times the legal limit for drinking. He also had 4 children in the car and one was under a year and not attached to the seat in any way. He is still in jail. I am presently living with my son-in-law and the children. He is so grief stricken that he has just gone back to work recently. Sometimes it feels unreal and that it didn't happen but she never walks out of another room, like i expect her to. The hardest part for me was the first time I was alone in their house and I kept waiting to see her. She wasn't just my daughter but we made the transition to best friends. Her father, my husband, died when she was 2 years old and her brother was 10 months. The two older girls were 8 and 6 years, so I am really close to my children as I have been Mother and Father to them for 35 years. Some days I hide in my room as I don't want to face anyone. But I do have things to do like take my granddaughter to school and pick her up. I try to do things with her so that she feels comfortable but I really haven't been around a 6 year old in a long time. My other grandchildren have all been 6 but their parents took care of them and the youngest is only 3 years old. I just feel so alone and no one seems to notice that i have to grieve too and that it's a family thing but each of us are different and approach things differently. When I first got here I put my emotions on a back burner as everyone else was so devastated, so I was the strong one and arranged the memorial service and what she wanted with her body and were she was to be buried which is back in Washington state next to her father. I just am not prepared to cope this way any longer. It's affecting my health and I wish I could go back in time and fix this. Make her stay at work 10 minutes more...but I have accept things the way they are. I know that she is in Heaven and I get comfort from that. Plus if you ever want to read a good book and it is the one that helped me, read 'Heaven is For Real'.It helps a lot at times when you wonder what comes next. Her birthday is next week on October 9th. I hope that I have the strength to get through that day but i will as what else can I do? I am living so I must go on.

Comments for My Daughter was Killed by a Drunk Driver

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Oct 10, 2012
by: Anonymous

Dear friend having just submitted our story of the loss of our precious daughter at the same age as your beautifull girl we just wanted to send our heartfelt prayers and love knowing how much we hurt still after 4 years without our own lovely Cheryl we truly understand what these losses do to us left behind.Our story is entitled One Life

Oct 03, 2012
My Daughter was Killed by a Drunk Driver
by: Doreen U.K.

Kathy I am sorry for your loss of your daughter by a drunk driver. It is so very hard from here on to process everything that has happened so very quickly. You will all be in shock and numb and then the grief starts to kick in. You may feel as if this is not really happening and your daughter will walk in the door someday. You wake up each morning and wonder if this is real did it really happen? Even afer 5 months I am in the same place of grief after losing my husband to cancer 5 months ago. Life HURTS from now on. What a tragic accident. You may need to see a grief counsellor to support you from the pain of losing an Adult Child. We worry about our children from the cradle to the grave. Your son in-law may also benefit from seeing a grief counsellor. He has to bring up his children and will be in a better frame of mind with support. So much more happens after a death of an Adult Child. The children have to be taken into account about what to say to them? and when to say it? There are no easy answers. One has to process things in a way that will help you all get through each moment of each day. When people behave irresponsible and drink and drive they have to take responsibility for their actions and this driver should face the full wrath of the law. A family fractured forever. It will be hard for you not having your husband to share the pain. This is what I am facing now after losing my husband 5 months ago. I need him here. I need to hear from him. I need his support. Life seems to be empty and lonely for all of us when we lose a loved one. Kathy you can't be strong for everyone and carry the whole load. You will not function. You need to grieve. Step aside if you have to. You will be of better support when your needs are taken care of. YES!! You are right because we are still alive we have no CHOICE but to go on living. At the moment it is just existing each day in a state of De ja Vu.
I hope you have perhaps, brothers or sister who could support you now. It does help. I have my sibling (3 sisters/husbands) for support and this does help immensely. A sudden death is harder to cope with and the grief for each loss is so very different. I wish you Comfort and Peace in your grief and sorrow.

Oct 03, 2012
by: Louisa Okoro

Dear Kathy,

It is so sad to loose a child. It is something that seem to be so far away and suddenly you are hit and life can never be same again. I thank God you have her daughter and husband to love because they are an extension of her, you will still have additional life or lives through her when her husband re-marries, yes re-marries, sure. I know because my daughter passed 10yrs ago through a senseless plane crash at age 22, though she was not married, I am enjoying the love of those she loved and those who loved her and by extension, I am very close to spouses and kids of her close friends. This is really very soothing. The pain and scar can never heal but I tell you loving all she held dear can be comforting. As I pray for you this minute always remember that somewhere in Lagos, Nigeria, Africa you are in Louisa's thoughts always, someone who understands your pain. God will comfort you.

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