My Dear Grandfather
(New York )
I loved and still love my grandfather so much. He raised me; my parents are awful people. I cry almost everyday, I cry when I think about him, I cry when I see pictures of him, God help me. (I'm crying right now)
I didn't know the loss of someone you love could have such an impact on you. My grandpa fell to the ground of a massive heart attack. Not a single person could believe it. He seemed healthy as a bull. My father called me crying and just kept saying, "Grandpa died," over and over on the phone. I remember when they tried to close his coffin at the funeral, I started screaming and begged them not to, begged and pleaded.
I am devastated, I have been from the moment I received the phone call. It has been a year now and I still cry hysterically, like I never have before. I can't see grandparents die on television, (I literally cry for 2 hours after seeing this,) and I get upset (and usually end up crying,) when I see anything that has something to do with heart attacks.
He made a Facebook 4 months before he died. It hasn't been deactived. His picture pops up on my FB page all the time. That makes me cry too. I can't take him of my Skype contacts b/c I'm not ready to yet and I cry every time I see his name on there. I just become so sad, like over whelmed with sadness. I don't even know how I can cry so much. Just thinking about him upsets me, kills me. I dream about him all the time. Particularly, I dream that he's fine and that he didn't die, or came back to life some how, and I always think in my dream like, "See I knew everyone was wrong and that you were okay and that I'd be able to see you again." The last time I saw him was in 2008. He died in 2012.
I just don't know what to do. It's so awful, I can't accept that I'll never see him again or that I can never speak to him again, no matter what I do, no matter what. And, I know I'll be like this about him forever, in 5 years or 50 years.
Thank you for hosting this website, so people can come and talk about their loved ones. If anyone has any advice that would, mean so much to me. He died at 67 years old, my entire family thought he would be alive for at least another 20 years. It came as such a shock... I just feel like I was robbed of the person I loved most, and the person that loved me most in this world is gone... I have no power or control. I can't even say I love you to him anymore.