My Dear Grandfather

by Michelle
(New York )

I loved and still love my grandfather so much. He raised me; my parents are awful people. I cry almost everyday, I cry when I think about him, I cry when I see pictures of him, God help me. (I'm crying right now)

I didn't know the loss of someone you love could have such an impact on you. My grandpa fell to the ground of a massive heart attack. Not a single person could believe it. He seemed healthy as a bull. My father called me crying and just kept saying, "Grandpa died," over and over on the phone. I remember when they tried to close his coffin at the funeral, I started screaming and begged them not to, begged and pleaded.

I am devastated, I have been from the moment I received the phone call. It has been a year now and I still cry hysterically, like I never have before. I can't see grandparents die on television, (I literally cry for 2 hours after seeing this,) and I get upset (and usually end up crying,) when I see anything that has something to do with heart attacks.

He made a Facebook 4 months before he died. It hasn't been deactived. His picture pops up on my FB page all the time. That makes me cry too. I can't take him of my Skype contacts b/c I'm not ready to yet and I cry every time I see his name on there. I just become so sad, like over whelmed with sadness. I don't even know how I can cry so much. Just thinking about him upsets me, kills me. I dream about him all the time. Particularly, I dream that he's fine and that he didn't die, or came back to life some how, and I always think in my dream like, "See I knew everyone was wrong and that you were okay and that I'd be able to see you again." The last time I saw him was in 2008. He died in 2012.

I just don't know what to do. It's so awful, I can't accept that I'll never see him again or that I can never speak to him again, no matter what I do, no matter what. And, I know I'll be like this about him forever, in 5 years or 50 years.

Thank you for hosting this website, so people can come and talk about their loved ones. If anyone has any advice that would, mean so much to me. He died at 67 years old, my entire family thought he would be alive for at least another 20 years. It came as such a shock... I just feel like I was robbed of the person I loved most, and the person that loved me most in this world is gone... I have no power or control. I can't even say I love you to him anymore.

Comments for My Dear Grandfather

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Mar 23, 2013
So Sorry
by: Anonymous

The same things happened to my grandpa two months ago.. he had a heart attack and never came back to us.
It's the hardest thing I will ever have to deal with.
The one thing that I do when I start to cry is:
I grab a picture of me and him and I talk. I talk forever and ever and it makes me feel better, and at the end I kiss the picture.
I doesnt make the pain go away but it will help to think he your grandpa is in a better place now.
You just need to stay positive, and dont be afraid to cry!!
I start crying randomly all the time and everyone knows why and they understand.
This is unimaginable pain, something that will never ever go away.
Even thought you cant see him, your grandpa is with you and will listen when you talk to him.

Mar 06, 2013
by: alexa

im really sorry for your loss, and as i read your post started crying. seems like you are going through a similar situation. i lost my grandfather too, he raised me, he was and he is the person i loved the most. i cry everywhere everytime, i just pray to God that he is fine and that one day i'll get see him again.

i hope some day we can cope with this, that some day this pain will go away. stay strong girlie

Feb 12, 2013
I'm so sorry =[
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry that you lost your grandfather that you were so close to. Reading your story brought tears to my eyes. I'm really happy for you that you were able to have such a wonderful relationship with your grandfather. My grandfather died when I was almost 6 years old. So I think it's really cool that you got to build memories with yours and that you got to spend time with him. Just remember he's always with you in spirit right by your side and in your heart. One day, you'll meet again <3. Stay strong girlie.

Feb 09, 2013
Not Forever
by: Anonymous

If u trust that he is in heaven then u will c him again.

Jan 30, 2013
My Dear Grandfather
by: Doreen U.K.

Michelle I am sorry for your loss of grandfather. You are feeling the raw grief of losing someone close in your life that you loved so much. I felt this way when my husband of 44yrs. died 10 months ago from a rare and serious cancer. Just like you say I thought he would live for another 20yrs at least since my husband's parents lived to their late 80's and his 2 brothers are still alive in their late 70's. My husband was 65yrs. when he died so he did die prematurely. He has one sister who is almost 64yrs. and is fighting a serious illness. It hurts so much to lose someone so close and you hurt forever missing them and they are not in your world anymore. You are not alone. We all feel the same way in Grief.

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