My dear Son
It was just July this year 2013 when I had a phone call at work. You need to come home there's a problem.
As I was driving home I was wondering what can be wrong.
I assumed it was my youngest son has been in trouble.
Then it hit me and I sort of knew it was my eldest son who had been battling with alcohol addiction for a long time but even more so the last few years.
AS I pulled up outside his place I could see a police car and some of his friends. I knew he had passed away. I cant describe the dark cloud and sadness that came over me at that time and is still with me today.
I think the hardest thing I have ever done in my life is to tell his mother he had gone and passed away.
She in turn had to tell our daughter who lives up north.
We both agreed we would like to see him straight away in his room where he had been found by a friend.
We wanted to be close to him. I wanted to take him in my arms and make him better.
My son had been drinking for a long time to numb the pain of his troubles. and we (his Mother and I) tried everything to get him help. Hospital visits, detox, rehab, sort his finances make sure he had a decent roof over his head etc etc.
This last 2 years I didn't realise how much his health had suffered until I compared photo's of him at my Dads 80th party and previous years.
The alcohol had gradually destroyed him physically/mentally and the sparkle in his eyes had gone.
The guilt of could I have helped him more cuts deep and
has given me some of the darkest moments of my life.
I visited him today 13/10/2013 at the cemetary and laid some fresh flowers. He's buried with his grandad.
I have gone over and over in my mind could I have done more, what if etc. And I wish to God I had spent more time with him and accepted him more for what he had become and not give him a hard time over his issues.
Cant understand how he went from a healthy young man to a physical wreck right in front of us.
I've realised that he was my friend as well as my Son.
There's a horrible void and sense of loss that cant be filled and I will never be the same. I miss his wit. His musical talent was amazing.
I miss our conversations about all sorts of things.
I would give anything to have just 5 minutes with him to tell him how he was loved and how proud we are to be part of his life.
Heart broken Dad