My dear Son

It was just July this year 2013 when I had a phone call at work. You need to come home there's a problem.
As I was driving home I was wondering what can be wrong.
I assumed it was my youngest son has been in trouble.
Then it hit me and I sort of knew it was my eldest son who had been battling with alcohol addiction for a long time but even more so the last few years.
AS I pulled up outside his place I could see a police car and some of his friends. I knew he had passed away. I cant describe the dark cloud and sadness that came over me at that time and is still with me today.
I think the hardest thing I have ever done in my life is to tell his mother he had gone and passed away.
She in turn had to tell our daughter who lives up north.
We both agreed we would like to see him straight away in his room where he had been found by a friend.
We wanted to be close to him. I wanted to take him in my arms and make him better.
My son had been drinking for a long time to numb the pain of his troubles. and we (his Mother and I) tried everything to get him help. Hospital visits, detox, rehab, sort his finances make sure he had a decent roof over his head etc etc.
This last 2 years I didn't realise how much his health had suffered until I compared photo's of him at my Dads 80th party and previous years.
The alcohol had gradually destroyed him physically/mentally and the sparkle in his eyes had gone.
The guilt of could I have helped him more cuts deep and
has given me some of the darkest moments of my life.
I visited him today 13/10/2013 at the cemetary and laid some fresh flowers. He's buried with his grandad.
I have gone over and over in my mind could I have done more, what if etc. And I wish to God I had spent more time with him and accepted him more for what he had become and not give him a hard time over his issues.
Cant understand how he went from a healthy young man to a physical wreck right in front of us.
I've realised that he was my friend as well as my Son.
There's a horrible void and sense of loss that cant be filled and I will never be the same. I miss his wit. His musical talent was amazing.
I miss our conversations about all sorts of things.
I would give anything to have just 5 minutes with him to tell him how he was loved and how proud we are to be part of his life.

Heart broken Dad










Comments for My dear Son

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Jan 19, 2014
My dear son almost 6mths has passed
by: Mike from UK

Its almost half a year since I posted my comment about our dear son. His name was craig 33yrs old from Wales UK and he was taken by Alcohol which he used to mask life's issues.
It has impacted on my life greatly to the extent I gave up my job and started a new one just a week ago within child care sector. I feel the need to do something worthwhile and help those who need help.
I still miss Craig as much as the first few weeks.
In fact I would say more. The times I would have liked to just chat with him over a simple coffee.
I quite often have a sudden darkness overwhelm me and I wonder and think about his final moments. These feelings leave me intensely sad/depressed.
However I am trying to move forward.

Regards and thanks for reading this

Mike UK

Jan 07, 2014
Your son
by: Kate

Tears stream down my face at your words,feeling them for the loss if my own son. How do we endure this heartache and really live?! It will never be the same. Heartfelt for you.

Nov 19, 2013
all deserve respect
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son in July and miss him just the same, though I am no longer numb, so the pain is tough. Please FORGET the thoughtless comments of those who have not lost a child, they cannot begin to understand. Also, for each of us who lost our child from addiction, I know all do the best we can, our children had so many more sides than what could be seen at the worst of the addiction. If more effort was extended to encourage them to seek help instead of shaming them for the disease, maybe the world would benefit. At the very least, we should respect the memories of the special people we have lost. Best wishes to you, this is a painful road but know we are here for you.

Oct 28, 2013
my dear son
by: Mike from UK

I feel for you and know what your going through
I wish you well

Mike

Oct 27, 2013
passing of my youngest son...
by: Anonymous

I lost my youngest son,5 weeks ago,I can't seem to stop crying,I'm on anxiety meds,but don't seem to help,I can't eat,i can't sleep without sleeping pills,and I'm up 2-3 hrs.later.I'm starting to feel suicidal,thinking I can't feel this way for the rest of my life!!I feel like everyone just stopped talking about him.One couple told me it was best with him dying ,because he was heading down the wrong path,How's that supposed to make me feel,you just told me my son was worthless and should of died!!!He had a 4 yr old daughter that he adored,with her every single day...

Oct 26, 2013
My dear son
by: Mike

Clearly some heartbreaking and tragic events.
Not sure how we can all get through it.
Another bad week - lack of sleep, a million regrets, extreme guilt etc. However, I do feel I have moved forward a bit (had my first full week back at work)
I'm just about to visit my son at the cemetery and lay a few flowers and I always say a few words like how sorry I am for not being able to get him through his addiction and not spending more time with him the last couple of years.
Its only been 3 months - seems like much longer.
I'm hoping to organise a family get together soon in his memory. Hoping to focus on all the happy things we remember about him.

Wish you all well

Mike


Oct 26, 2013
my oldest also
by: Anonymous

I lost my oldest son July 21, 2013 to "accidental" heroin od and alcohol; 2 weeks after his 31st birthday. My 20y/o youngest son was notified and had to tell me. My 27y/o son was with with my oldest just before he died and was the one to find him gone. This occurred at my mother's home - 7months and 1 day after losing my dad in the same house. Often, I can not even catch my breathe. I know I am not the only parent to lose a child this way, but it sure is one hell of a lonely feeling. I pray for us all to find the strength to go on.

Oct 25, 2013
My dear son
by: christine

your story is my story. I knew my son had a drinking problem but I did not know how bad. When he became an adult he left home and moved to ca. had a great job in construction, made very good money, had a beautiful home, engaged to be married, and three dogs who he loved very much. when the economy went under 2008 he lost everything, so very heartbreaking and sad. he had worked so hard to make a beautiful life, and everything was gone. he called me and asked if he could come home. he was with me for 3 years. during that time we did a lot of things together just like when he was a child. he got a job at 7-11 near our home. he totaled his truck in a dui his third. he was very sneaky, I couldn't tell how bad his drinking had gotten he would do it away from home. I was talking to him about it a lot, I started going to alanon. I loved him so much I wanted him to be ok. little did I know his drinking problem had started very long ago. you see I am a recovering alcoholic of 8 years and my son would sneak alcohol at a young age. my extreme guilt is why did I not see it to stop it. my son was 38 and on Nov 12,2012 when I arrived home from work I found him on the floor in our computer room, I thought he was passed out which occurred often, but he was gone, they said it was a sudden death due to a fatty liver caused by him being a chronic alcoholic. he was my only child and I miss him so much. nothing matters any more. it has been almost one year and it seems like it just happened, and I wait for him to come home. he was my life. God bless you and trust me when I say my heart goes out to you, what is left of it. they tell us time makes the hurt lessen, but it never fully goes away. God be with you, My son, my friend, my life. christine

Oct 23, 2013
I feel dead inside
by: Henry

I also lost a son, in an auto accident. (aug,27,2013) He came to live with me (after his mother divorced me) at age 11yo. He died at 28yo, it was just me and him against the world. We lived together, worked together, worked on his car together, we even ate lunch together. I not only lost a son, I lost my best friend. I know we will be together again someday, but, until then my heart will be ripped in-half. My heart goes out to you Mike and everyone who has lost a child. Children aren't supposed to die before their parents. I feel like I am slowly starting to die inside.

Oct 19, 2013
My dear son
by: Mike from UK

All of your words are so true
and I thank you all for your honest comments and sympathy.
I've had a really bad week and struggled through.
I'm sure I have many more to come as do all of us who have lost children. I have to try and get through as I have other adult children and grandchildren and family to think about.
I wish you all well and someday we can smile about all the nice things we did with our children who have passed on. I'm not religious at all but wouldn't it be wonderful if we could see our loved ones again one day.

Oct 15, 2013
me too
by: s.jane.f

I'm so so sorry about your son. In some way I can kind of imagine what a great person he was--and a person in pain, who used drugs (alcohol, in his case) to cope. My dear boy passed away this March under very similar circumstances. I relate to everything you say. I've tried so hard not to blame myself, because I know that's not realistic; we really cannot control them, after all. But you put in words my biggest regret: that I was not more accepting of who he was, even with the drug use. I feel I could have been firm without giving him such a hard time. But still, I KNOW he knows I loved him more than the world, and your son knew that too. We were in an impossibly difficult situation. And I want to again add my voice, for what it's worth, in saying it's well past time in this country that we ended the stigmatization and criminalization of these people who have an extremely painful illness and who could collectively add so much to our world if they were helped to heal rather than being treated like subhumans.

Oct 15, 2013
The guilt is the hardest
by: Lisa

Our stories are VERY similar. My son was going to come home to get treatment for his alcohol abuse but died the day before we were to go get him. I hear your pain in your words and they echo mine. The guilt we feel at not having done enough may never go away but remember that your son knew you loved him. Even though the pain and loss is still very heavy, we did not intend to fall short in our parenting. We loved our sons. And they loved us. We will always miss them.

Oct 14, 2013
My dear son
by: Jolynn

I am so sorry you lost your son. I too lost my son, he was 26. He was an officer in the Marines training to fly jets. He was in Pensacola FL and had gotten his private pilots license and was on his way to a brilliant future flying jets. Just to become an officer was grueling and up to 50% of the recruits got cut. My son was an overachiever and I never worried about drugs or alcohol with him. He had many friends, a loving and supportive family, he was disciplined, courageous and goal oriented. He died a year ago of a Heroin overdose. He kept his drug use a secret. I too wish I could have done something to help him. We put him in Betty Ford but he got kicked out for hooking up with a girl. They are adults. They choose to do this. We cannot change them. The lure of the high is too powerful. We and you two were not given an instruction book on how to deal with this situation. We all have regrets when someone dies. I've come to realize that all self recriminations are useless and potentially self destructive. It's over and I have to reconstruct the family and try to fill an empty space in our lives. It will never be filled completely but the pain is less and I focus now on my two kids and husband who are here and need me. This is so sad to lose a child to drugs and alcohol. Our country needs to recognize this as a medical problem and not criminal and the stigma must go away so these kids will seek help right away and not keep secrets. There is legislature on its way to move in that direction.
I'm so sorry.
Jolynn

Oct 14, 2013
my dear son
by: Anonymous

I lost my eldest son as well. He lost his battle with drugs. I too wish I could have helped him. I guess me and his dad did the best we could. But I can't help but think, we could of something more. He's not with us anymore, and that hurts so bad. Its been almost six months and still its devastating. Sometimes I'm not sure I'll recover. But I guess I will. Addiction is truly an illness. It mental health, and in this country we don't have enough help for those in need. We need more compassion and resources. My son was so smart and caring. Its a shame to lose great people. My world feels so empty without him.

Oct 14, 2013
My dear son
by: Mike

Appreciate your comments Doreen.
And thank you for your kind comforting words.

Mike UK

Oct 14, 2013
My dear Son
by: Doreen UK

I am sorry for your loss of your eldest Son to a sudden death. One of the hardest experiences in life is to lose a child/adult child. It matters not how old they were they will always be YOUR CHILDREN.
It is a common part of grief to wonder what we could have done better or more of. This is part of grief talking. We have boundaries. As a parent you would have known that a parent's job is to rear their children to become adults and go out into the world and make their own life. As parents we cannot be bodyguards to our children forever. We would retard their processes of GROWING UP to become MATURE Adults. It would harm our children psychologically.
As a Dad I am sure you would also know that parents have a duty to confront their children about anything that they find is harmful to them and their health. To say nothing would be showing you don't care enough to guide them in the right direction. Adult children are exposed to a harsh environment of peer pressure and job loss and all the things young adults struggle with. It is not unrealistic to find that many people use Alcohol as a coping mechanism. Adult children don't like to be re-parented and some may even feel angry and view their parents advice as an intrusion. Keep FOCUSED. You did your job as a father. you are not responsible for the Choices your son made. He is. Whether right or wrong. This is how he coped. Life is such a struggle for young people, indeed everyone. Parent's don't purposely do the wrong thing. They try to get it right most of the time. Don't build guilt into your grief. Life is what it is. HARD. See a grief counsellor if you need to. Grief will not last forever. you will Heal from your loss. Life will never be the same again. But you will and cope with your loss better. I wish you Peace and Comfort in your grief days ahead.

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