My dearest squiff my life

by Ken Neal
(Folkestone, kent uk)

I want to die,there's no reason to carry on.she was 15, I was 17.the moment I saw her eye's so beautiful I could not think of anything else but her.her 16 birthday was just a few day's away ,but we made love .we were both virgin's,I never thought it would be that good, nor she.and so our 48 year's together began, we had our four children within 8 year's. They are loved by us both,and I might add so are our 10 grandchildren( and also my 93 year old mother, who has more energy than me) you will say ,but he has responsibility to his mother and family.but I haven't got her,whom I miss so very very much. She died on July 27 th 2011, it was so sudden,she was so energetic and loved so much by us all. I am struggling so hard to get through each and every day,sometimes I say to myself, just do it , but then I think of my mother who relies on me for everything,it would kill her and that would be the last thing that I want on my conscience. But the time will come, I am not in the slightest bit religious, there is no god, so no heaven or hell (just the one I am living now). All I know is she has been to long without me, and I her. So we need to be together, like we always were.iv'e just turned 70 ,I never thought I would be the one left on is own,but I am. My days are just the same as my night's,they have no meaning, my life was her, and mine hers .so I live one lonely boring day after another , until my time is through, but then I will not know, so until that Brief moment in when I take my last breath, I will think of her,my squiff. Pat xxxxxxxxxx

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Nov 27, 2013
sweetly sleeping
by: Anonymous

Hello Ken,

We can only grieve for so long when our parents pass away, but when your other half has gone, grief is forever because we can only have one true love in our lifetime, the moment Pat left your home, half of you went with her, that's how i felt when my beloved husband left our home over a month ago. Consider yourself lucky for having spent many many years with your dearest wife, not everyone gets that luck. I wouldn't say it's a blessing cause like you, .grief is one human experience that is so difficult to deal with, it is so exhausting physically and emotionally...we can only face the truth together with the pains it my husband, Pat won't go anywhere, they just sleep eternally until the time we join them...we should grieve for they are worth crying a river cause we love them dearly...

Nov 04, 2013
To life.
by: Lawrence

Hi Ken,
What a sad sad story but every life has a meaning and the last thing Pat would ever have wanted was for you to suffer as you are doing now.
Just remember the 48 years of happiness you had and consider yourself so lucky to have experienced such passion, so few people get to know it.
You say there is no God, well perhaps there is and again perhaps there isn’t, but isn’t it better to believe you will meet your beloved Pat once more rather than to think there is nothing after we die,. Look around you at the beauty in the world, your children and grandchildren and say again there is no God.
You have joined a web site in which we are all suffering the devastating heartache of losing a beloved and cherished partner so believe me you are not alone in your grief.
I am sitting here typing this comment to you; I am lonely and sad after losing a beloved sweetheart after being together for seventy years, we were also just a couple of kids when we fell in love, she was fourteen I was fifteen and all it took was one exchange of glances to know we would spend the rest of our lives together, she was the first girl I ever kissed and the last on her deathbed, I have no desire to kiss anyone else.
I am in the tenth month of my loss, she died on Christmas Day and know I will never get over her leaving me but life has to go on, you must make the effort to get out of the house, join a club get a hobby, learn to play a musical instrument, write a book of your love for each other, for your children and grandchildren to read after you have gone, it doesn’t matter how you write it’s what you write that matters...
I am a lot older than you than you but I have just had a violin lesson and I stopped playing in 1943 when the bombs were still dropping and I fell in love, I am learning to play bridge, running the marathon is a bridge too far I must admit, but you must do something to snap yourself out of this feeling you want to die, believe me you will get your wish one day but until that day arrives start enjoying life as Pat would have wanted you to do
As my granddaughter tells me when she can see I feel miserable “Grandpa turn that frown upside down”
Come on Ken, start living again.
My very best wishes.

Nov 04, 2013
It's so hard....
by: June

Ken, I feel the same way. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I lost my husband, Mike, 20 months ago and am missing him more each day. I, like you, have children and grandchildren. My dog and cat are such good buddies to me.
I can't wait to be together with Mike again. I hope that will happen. I just go through the motions of living. Trying to keep busy and helping others.

You are very fortunate to still have your Mother.

This site is such a great place to express your feelings. I get such comfort from the comments of Doreen, Lawrence, Silver, Allison and others on this site.
Thinking of you and others living with this terrible grief. I didn't want to be in this "club", but that is the "circle of life".

Nov 03, 2013
by: julie reynolds

Hi ken , im sorry to read about your loss of your wife, i feel you need some professional help , have you seen your g.p or ever had grief councilling ? I lost my mum just over 7 weeks ago & the pain i feel is massive , my dad is suffering too he is living with me now & we both go for grief councilling & it does help , yes you need to focus on your mum ,ken & the rest of your family too , maybe talk to your family too .take care !

Nov 03, 2013
My dearest squiff my life
by: Doreen UK

Ken I am so sorry for your loss of Pat. You expressed how we all feel when we have lost a spouse. Days become dark and lonely and there seems little to live for. You have a mother who would be devastated without you and so would your children and grandchildren.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. 18 months ago tomorrow and I have had a bad day of grief with memories surfacing and making my loss of him feel worse. He was my world, my everything and died 11 months into retirement with an emaciated body from cancer. We all want to join our spouse but can't because it wouldn't be the right thing to do. We just take one day at a time and hope we get through each day. You have such a large family and could become a great asset in teaching your grandchildren much of what you learned from life experiences. Making yours and their life richer. But you would have to change your focus in order to survive your loss. What else can we do.
I do have a strong Faith in God and this makes the difference. I choose to put God above me. He is the one who comforts me in grief and takes me through each day. He is my Creator, Lord, and Saviour. God created you and Pat and he Blessed you with 4 Children and 8 grandchildren. This is a blessing and God is worthy of Respect even for this blessing. It is not too late to find God and find out that He is an all loving God and he offers us Salvations and Eternal Life. We just have to receive this as a gift. It will make the difference to your world of sorrow and loneliness. I hope your days get better in time as Grief takes a long time to recover from.

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