My death, a sweet release

by Tony
(Beaumont, CA)


It's been almost 3 months since I lost my beloved wife to cancer. I've reached out to groups and therapists for relief and have found little. They all keep saying it'll get better......that memory will fade. My psychiatrist said normal grief should last but 2 months. What does he know? He hasn't lost his wife. The group is a little better because they've all experienced the terrible loss.

I believe the only real relief I'll succeed with is death itself, "death's sweet release". I'm so lonely for her that I feel dead already, so why not the real thing? I keep saying to myself that the 'grim reaper' is and will be my friend.

What about faith? I seem to have none, only a faint desperate hope that I'll see her again when this life is finally laid down. I have all my affairs in order, a living trust, bills paid and directions to my family.

There's just no repair of the aching void, the great hole in my soul and heart that is shaped just like Joan. I still dream about her, screaming and crying in my sleep.

Comments for My death, a sweet release

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Feb 02, 2013
The Agony of Living
by: Monica

Your words rang so loudly to me. I can relate to your feelings of despair and yerning for something that will never be. I feel like a shell of a person waiting for the end of life. There is no joy, there is no life, only existence. My husband died suddenly at the age of 57. Neither one of us needed anything else in life but each other. In so many ways, he was my "Higher Power." As far as turning to God and faith, how do you turn to such an uncaring God. He did this to us. He had the power for it not to happen! But he took him--something I don't think I'll ever forgive! I can't be a hypocrit and act like what's happened is ok, because it's not!!! How I welcome my death. Maybe then I'll find peace. Oh, to see that beautiful face again. Maybe it's possible on the other side. I can only hope!

Oct 22, 2012
Rings
by: Janet

Hi Tony,

I wear my rings on my right hand now. His ring is in a box along with my diamond tennis bracelet he gave me one year for Christmas. If I wear the bracelet then I wear his ring on a chain. I no longer wear jewelry like I used before he passed.

The one year mark is just 10 days away and I will do a balloon release on that day in memory of him. I am trying to put back money to attend Camp Widow East in Myrtle Beach, SC in April of next year. It does get easier, but the pain never goes away.



Wishing you peace, hope and healing...

Janet

Oct 22, 2012
Rings
by: Steve

I still wear my wedding band and I wear Danielle's rings on my left little finger.It gives me some comfort to know I her close.

May 16, 2012
Thanks to Janet and all.....
by: Tony

Thank you Janet for such kind and thorough comment. We are all just what I need. It does help to have contact here with each other, knowing that we're not alone, those of us who've taken a such direct hit from this 'death star'.

It seems like I'm sort of ready to move on, being lonely for a woman, but I'm not 100% whether its lonely for another woman, just lonely, or in fact lonely for Joan. I would like to live my life with her again, but so differently. I've reflected and learned so much about myself.

I am aware that our beliefs teach that they are in Heaven and we'll join them eventually. I don't know why people so often say "they're in a better place". That is so pessimistic IMO. I wish that all of us could meet at some point in this life and share our hearts and a cup of coffee or glass of wine but for now I'll just fantasize about those kinds of things.

I'm about where you are Janet, a little over 6 months. I had my wedding band re sized and polished because it slipped of while back and was lost. It just made me sick. I'll soon get Joan's wedding band cleaned and polished, get a necklace so I can wear it too. Little things like those rings had so much impact on me, helping me to find more peace.

Here's to all my soul brothers and sisters on this journey as different people in a different world.

May 16, 2012
Tear Soup
by: Janet

To Tony, Steve, Mike and Anonymus.

Grief has no expiration date. It does not discriminate either. The normal we knew will never be. Now is our time to learn a new normal.

There is a book that you can order on this site called "Tear Soup". It is well worth reading. I cannot tell you how many times I have read it but it does help.

I think that the best gift that we can give our spouse is to live as he/she would want us to. I am now at 6 1/2 months. I find it does get easier and I do not cry as often. I still cry when all the firsts come around. May has not been a good month because the 1st was 6 months, first Mother's Day and 24th will be the first anniversary without him. I plan on releasing a ballon on the 24th in honor of him and have my son release one as well.

There is a website called Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation that I highly recommend to anyone traveling this road. The members are very supportive and caring. They get it. They also have a Camp Widow East, which was in April, and a Camp Widow West that is coming up in August in San Diego. I am working to save money for the Camp Widow West in San Diego. The reason I mention the website is because it is for both widows and widowers. Give it a try and check out the website. Normally I do give out the name of any of the sites I am on but this has been a helpful place to go during this journey.

Always remember to "Be true to yourself", one breath, one step and one day at a time. Treat yourself gently and kindly. Vent when you need, cry when you need, do what feels right for you at the moment.

Peace to all of you.

May 15, 2012
Additional Comment
by: Tony

Thanks, Steve. We that have lost our beloved soul mate I think have an exclusive language that others cannot understand, and I suppose that's a good thing that they can't because I wouldn't want them feeling what we do before it's time.

Sometimes I think that this life is just something our souls are passing through, like actors on a stage, players in a video game. There's just no making sense of it. It's a pretty brave thing to cast your love deeply for someone, for one day you'll surely lose them or they'll lose you. I trust that Danielle and Joan are living it up in Heaven and I'm anxious to see everyone.

May 15, 2012
My loss.
by: Steve

I lost my wife Danielle last year it took me 26 years to find her less than 6 to lose her. I miss her every day she was the love of my life my best friend. Tony I hear you i feel the same way.

May 15, 2012
My loss.
by: Steve

I lost my wife Danielle last year it took me 26 years to find her less than 6 to lose her. I miss her every day she was the love of my life my best friend. Tony I hear you i feel the same way.

May 02, 2012
Time and healing
by: Anonymous

I have been told that the the important part of time in healing is the use of that time. You said yes to your life together, and now saying yes to life and it's challenges and opportunities, may be the only way to move forward. Don't be afraid to get mad, either. Grief sucks.

Apr 09, 2012
Thanks Mike, and others....
by: Tony

It does me good to read these responses. The hope, the faith and courage you are talking of does inspire me when I read it. I wish that I had some faith, but it seems to me that I must have some better reason for it. How those on here talk about their faith carrying them through it all, amazes me because I seem to have none.

I am trying very hard to view the glass as half full rather than half empty and I can't. My heart and soul just cries out for justice! As crazy as it may sound, even if that 'justice' is against God. I know, that's insane but it's how I feel. I used to be pretty spiritual / religious but now I perceive myself as being somewhere between agnostic and atheist with only one exception, and of course the possibility of seeing and being with Joan again and getting answers.

I wish I felt different, but I think I do in fact hate God for letting this happen, and not just my soul mate but other suffering, dying people in the world too. I've prayed for help to think and feel differently but so far have not.

Thank you all very much for your words of support and encouragement. We are all in this war together by no choice of our own.

Apr 09, 2012
getting better
by: Mike

I lost my wife 3 1/2 years ago. I think of her every day. I remember the good times the bad times, and everything in between. The difference between now and when I first lost her is the gratefulness i feel for having had the privelege of sharing this life with her verses my earlier stage of grief where I couldnt imagine life without her and had nothing to look forward to.

I still miss Marcia every single day and often relive her last moments wondering if i could have helped her. I still love her as much as the day I married her, I still miss her as much as the day that she died. I now just want to make her proud of the way I live my life, I want to honor her and the way she lived hers. Tears can still come but even more often you might catch me giggling as I remember something she did or said.

There is no timeline for grief, for each of us it is different, but the love we shared with our spouses is very similar. I know that loving her made me a better man and as i walk through this life without her physically in it her mark on this world continues because of the way she touched me.

I will always love and miss my love, she was the greatest gift to me, but I eagerly anticipate what is next in this life and look forward to the day when I can see her again. I hope I make her as proud as I did while she was here with me.

To all widows/widowers, grieve in your own time and way, walk through all the hurt, anger, and loneliness expressing however need be. In the end there is not a magic way of feeling better, and our own deaths will only make others feel as we do. We share this wretched path and can help each other by understanding.

Mar 04, 2012
Grief and the long Journey
by: Janet

Hi Tony and Anonymous,
It has been four months and 3 days since I lost my wonderful husband Jim so very suddenly. This is a very long road we all must travel. My faith and the belief of the Indians has what has keep me going this past 4 months. I find myself going back more and more to the Indian traditions and beliefs now than every before. They could have taught us all so much. They probably traveled this road more times that we ever will and with more dignity, more spiritually and more realistically than any race I can think of.
The sad thing with today's world is that people seem to forget that we all believe in the same spiritual being. It does not matter what name we use it/he/she is still all one and the same. We try to put labels on everything. Somethings do not nor ever will require a label.
The man up above does not give us any more than we can handle. We need to learn to trust and move on with life. It is not an easy task and somedays it is worse than others for me. I miss my Jim so much so days it seems unbearable but I know that he would want me to move on and to find some kind of happiness. It will never be the same as it was with him and I do not expect it to be. Only time will tell what the future holds for each of us.
Tony, I do believe deep down in my heart that your wife would want you to grieve but also at some point be able to move on and learn to love again. It will not be an easy journey for us but it is the only way we can grow. Remember above all, Be True To Yourself. One breath, one step, one day at a time is all we can do. I wish you well in this journey and am here should you want to talk.

Mar 04, 2012
A Witness Against God
by: Anonymous

If God is responsible for the suffering of humanity, especially through terrible diseases like cancer, then I'm a primary witness against Him, if that would at all, be possible. If this was the case, it would make Him cruel, indifferent and insensitive and worse, not anyone we could trust.

I'm considering a different hypothesis where the condition of these terrible things are random consequences of our 'fallen race' if you're religious, or 'collateral damage' if you're an evolutionist. It seems to me that either of these 'worldviews' are far more tolerable than what many hear about 'God's plan', or 'God called them' and 'it was their time'.

In my 'fallen race' version, most religions believe that our 'spirit / soul' finally leaves the 'physically' dead body and ascends to God / Jesus, if of course one belongs to Him. The legacy of the fallen race is a terrible one in which we all at any time can fall victim to, or worse a dear and close loved one.

I know without asking that all feel like why doesn't God step in and help sometimes? I believe that when He doesn't, which is most always the case then it is left up to us. It leaves us with very hard decisions. The last I checked, 3 states have in place, laws that allow 'death with dignity' and I would add, peace. Disagree as many will, do we not do the same with our pets? How much more important are people.

Alan, thanks for your contribution. I think we are 'brothers in arms' in this war with no end in sight.

Mar 03, 2012
Hi Tony
by: Alan

I lost my beautiful wife,Donna,on December 8th,2011.She was diagnosed in July of 2009 with 4th stage lung cancer.This year would've been our 35th anniversary.Writing down cold, hard facts sucks.
I have no healing, magic words for you,Tony.I'm floundering through life like everyone else.I feel like a leper on a deserted island,the pain is nearly impossible to handle at times.
She was everything to me.........

Mar 02, 2012
Beautiful Person
by: Tony

I really did drink in your compassionate words! Joan also told me directly that she wanted me to have a "good life". At the time I thought you are so sweet as usual, but she had little idea what a dark painful path I would have to walk. It is such a lonely one.

I keep 'processing' the last couple months of her life in a vicious, returning cycle. I wish I could stop it. She was such a good, innocent, and loving person and I still want to 'hurt back' at something or someone but I can't find a clear target. I want revenge so bad I can taste it, but it's only a metaphor that I can't get hold of.

I wish I could move in time, back to the past or rapidly into the future, just to get away all this hurting. I watched older home movies of her at her birthday party about 15-20 years ago. She was healthy, happy and excited over her gifts. it helped somehow. It took a lot of bravery for me to watch some of it, but I did and I don't regret it at all, because I did in a way go back in time, and saw a beautiful person.

Feb 28, 2012
Peace Will Come
by: Judith in California

Tony, your Psychiatrist should keep his mouth shut. He had no business saying that and he is dead wrong! NO ONE can tell you how long you should greive. I remember my 3 months point and let me tell you I was wosre off then than at first. At 3 months it's just sinking in that our love one is gone never to return. It's been 17 months for me and I still have my moments but I am better than I was. I'd find a new therapist. How dare he!

You grieve as long and as much as you are feeling it and anywhere you are. It's the only way to get to the peace and acceptance we all search for.

God bless you on this painful roller coaster ride of emotions to eventually finding the peace some of us have come to know. It will happen so don't give up and know we are here for you. Please don't do anything foolish.


Feb 28, 2012
noone can really tell you how to heal ....
by: Esther

however heal you must.....I lost the love of my life and the man who gave me a life I loved suddenly 8 months ago. The shock was incredible, the emotions of someone who means the world to you dying in your hand is incredible.The moments after overwhelming, yet the thing that carried me was my faith. The why's may never be answered, the pain will always be remembered, but I know the one that loved me is only a breath away, and watches over me, and would only wish happiness for me.
Realizing that I have a purpose here, keeps me focused on living, and living thru this loss has given me the opportunity to be able to actual say to someone who has found themselves in my situation...."I understand"...
The quote I love and now live by ...is Don't cry because its over, Smile because it happened...I am grateful it happened...many do not experience a love so beautiful, and I did....for which I forever will be grateful.

Feb 28, 2012
I know your pain
by: Anonymous

Brother, I know all to well the pain you are feeling. I lost my first love to cancer too. She was my world and since her passing, almost 4 years now, life has never truly been the same. Prior to her passing, we spoke at length about what I would do without her. She was strong, not for herself, but for me. She knew that losing her was crippling me and she stayed strong for me and would accept nothing less than a promise from me that I would go on with my life. Her last wish was for my happiness and if I were her in position I know I would wish her the same. I know you may not feel like it now, trust me I know because I didnt feel like it then, but you CAN move forward. You owe it to her. You need to let your love for her and her love for you carry you on. As cliche as it might sound, she would want nothing less than for you to find peace and happiness. I hope that you find peace in the days ahead and that my own experience with this can provide you some comfort.

Feb 28, 2012
Hope
by: Janet

Tony, it does get better. It will be 4 months come Thursday that I lost my best friend, loving husband, and companion very suddenly to bronco aspiration in Belize Central America. He was 58 and I was 63 at the time. We did everything together; he opened the car door, we held hands and we were constantly together during our 25 plus years of marriage. We had planned on retiring in Norther Belize because of his health as he suffered from rheumatoid arthritis and the winters were very hard on him here in Texas.

I treasure the 5 months I had with him after my retirement at the end of April last year and would not trade a day. I can at least laugh and cry about the good times and the bad times that we had. I know that what we had was very special and was meant to be.

Remember the good times as well as the bad times with you wife. Know that she is in a better place and not suffering from cancer. She is with God and is looking down on you. She is safe in the care of our Lord up above.

Do things that commemorate her life. Ask yourself, deep down, what she would want you to do going forward. She is still a part of it and will always be a part of it, just not physically. We all must travel this journey in our own way. Keep a journal, share stories about your life together, stay with your support group and as time progresses you will find that they are also your friends. They have been where we are and they are still learning just as we are. I will say your therapist does sound like a jerk, just my opinion. Create an extended family if necessary. Things are different now and this journey is long and very hard and is the Road Not Taken. Celebrate life in her honor and know that she is in a safe and loving place. Yes it is hard to do that but it does help.

I still have a problem talking about my husband's passing and it does still hurt. I miss him every day, every minute, and more so at night. I am so thankful every day that God blessed me with a wonderful husband.

Remember one breath, one step, one day at a time. May God hold you safely in the palm of His hand.

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