My Eternal Love

by Benyamin
(Windsor, ON)

My best friend, partner, lover and wife died suddenly this summer because of the negligence of the medical industry. We were friends since childhood, and spouses since adulthood, almost thirty years. I am consumed by grief and despair. People say it is very fresh and stay busy, but when someone is integrated into your life from childhood your feelings of great loss will never change. I lone to be with my her, sitting at our grave every day waiting for the end. She was the best of persons, friendly and kind to all. The best part of my miserable life she was, guiding me through it like a beautiful angel. I suspect I will be tortured with a long miserable life, where I will have what people call success, but I will just be waiting to join her in the grave. I wish to leave here daily, but family and friends always tell you the obligations and cons of an early departure. My mind is no longer in the land of the living though my body is still here, my mind left that tragic night to the land of the dead with my beloved leaving a shell of a man.


Comments for My Eternal Love

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Sep 28, 2014
Hi Benyamin, I need your help!
by: Jennie

Please click on "The Grief Club" button on the left for access to the new Forum. We want to keep this great online grief resource going and need your help! Please re-post this or put a new submission there. All your friends are waiting...

Hi Pat from Green Bay, and Anonymous MI:

Could you please contact me via "Contact Us" button to the left? I need your help for the transition. Thanks so much!

Sep 10, 2014
by: myrt

After reading a lot of the things, I will tell you mine. John was a loving husband, had to have a heart value replace, which the doctor had to tell him, so the time came. Our daughter, I left to go to the hospital with him. When they told me I could walk to surgery room we did. John told me, I will see you when I come back. He did, doctor said all was okay, resting now, and if about 1 hour we could see him. He was resting and didn't know we were there, a nurse was monitoring him. During the next 7 days, and out of ICU, in his own room, he just couldn't do any thing, so when day, he did walk, about 75 feet, than back to bed. The nurse than told him to lay down, she was going to take the 2 wires he had put in, taken out. He wad for a few minutes than, pain was shooting down his back, we sat with him tell they moved him back to I C U. I never spoke to him again, as for 2days later he passed away. I sat with him and talked, hoping against he heard me,I think a few times he did, as he would smile some what at what I was saying, never opened his eyes. They tried A-Fib on him 3 times, it didn't work, doctor came out and said he passed on. I didn't cry, shock, unbelieving, how could this be happening. I went to his room, seeing him with all the tubes out, went to him, kissed him, starting talking to, most of done that for at least 1hour,told I would have to leave, but could walk to the elvetor with him, I did, and that was the last time I saw him being taken away.
Numbness, unbelieving,shock, wanting to run to where he was taken was all my mind,I didn't understand any thing,then my daughter told me, John is not in pain, I didn't want that, told myself, okay, he's with God, he wanted his son back, it was his turn to take care of him, I have to wait, and I have l try to remember that all day, but I keep him in mind, heart, and also, he was military for 21 years, and our life was 40 years together, he was the love of my life. Myrt

Sep 08, 2014
Eternal Love
by: Anonymous--MI

I have read your story; each one on this site has a story to tell. The endings of we widows and widowers are much the same. We are brokenhearted and struggling to live a somewhat "normal" ?? life now that our beloved spouses are gone from us. I am very sorry about your dear wife's death. My wonderful husband; the one and only love of my life, died 21 months ago from sudden cardiac arrest. I said good-bye to him at 10:00 am and at 4:30 pm he was gone from my life forever. All the emotions I have and do feel are shock, anger, resentment and brutal loneliness for the love of my life of 47 years. we were high school sweethearts, married for 43 years with a family and grandkids. The journey of grief is brutal. But, as others have stated we have to go on living until God calls our name and we will join our loved ones. I have great faith in Jesus Christ, My Savior, and I know my husband is in heaven and I will join him one glad day. Until then, I too keep busy and try to be of service to others in need. All this takes time; everyone goes through this process in his or her own time. Each of us have a different timetable and no one way is the right way. For me, asking God to help me get through one day at a time is how I try to cope. I cry every day; sometimes often and I think of my dear husband constantly. I had know my husband since we were 10 years old and went to school together. That is a lot of years to suddenly be torn from my life and heart but God has me in His keeping; we all have a time to be born and a time to die; God makes no mistakes. Please turn to God for strength to make it one day at a time.

Sep 08, 2014
sympathy and hope.
by: Lawrence

Hi Benyamin,
I feel your intense grief and I must say that never again will you feel such sadness.
It is such early days for you and you must do what we all did on this “DEATH OF A SPOUSE” web site which is to cry and cry and let your body and spirit release some of the overwhelming anguish you are feeling.
I understand so well because I was standing in your shoes twenty months ago.
My precious wife died on Christmas Day 2012 leaving me totally bereft and like you we were childhood sweethearts, she was fourteen and I was fifteen when we fell head over heels in love, in fact the Second World War was still raging when we met, and we stayed that way for the next seventy years of exquisite love, tenderness and passion.
I went through all the emotions you are suffering now and truthfully I didn’t want to live without her.
She died suddenly in the blink of an eye and within two hours I watched her take her last breath, I closed her eyes, kissed her and thanked her for our wonderful life together and walked away from the first girl I ever kissed and the last on her deathbed..
Needless to say I have no desire to kiss anyone else..
Somehow I found this web site on the internet and quickly realized we all go through the same agony at losing the person we loved more than life itself.
Reading their comments of sympathy and advice made me see that life has to go on.
Those people who told you to keep busy were giving you excellent advice and mine is
“GET OUT OF THE HOUSE” do anything climb mountains, run marathons, learn to play bridge, do absolutely anything but stay in your house and grieve, believe me, it will still be there when you return, cold and empty.
The fact that I am able to send you this comment must tell you that the although you will never get over losing her, the pain does get easier and the dark black clouds will eventually lighten and you will take your first faltering steps to as normal your life can be without your lovely wife.
Force yourself –Benyamin, because lethargy is the prime symptom of grief,
I lead a frantic life now, doing things I would never have dreamed of doing before..
I have learnt to play bridge which wasn’t easy at the age of eighty five; I write novel and children’s books, I compose music, (but not love songs anymore) I am having violin lessons, I’m pretty good now but unfortunately my beautiful wife is not here to listen, and many more activities.
All this to take my mind of my intense sadness, is it working? is it heck, I am still heartbroken and never a day goes by without shedding a tear.
I guess I do it also for my lovely family so they won’t see my anguish, I try to always have a smile, I won’t let them see me cry.
I repeat Benyamin, its early days for you but it will get better, it has to.
When you can look at her photograph without crying you will know the healing has started.
From one grieving widower to you,my dear friend.
My deepest sympathy

Sep 08, 2014
My Eternal Love
by: Doreen UK

Benyamin I am so sorry for your loss of your wife. This is one of the worst experiences of one's life. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer 2yrs. ago. He had an Industrial disease from working with asbestos and his cancer was incurable. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days before he died. He was not given proper pain medication and died in severe pain. I am all too familiar with medical negligence. I had to fight up for my husband to get better care. Times he felt abandoned and then sent home to die. Our medical services are letting us down all the time. I am facing this at the moment.
I couldn't function for 6 months. I didn't know what to do with myself. Most of us feel as you do and want to die. Our life is not worth living. My husband did travel all around the world and our country with his job as a carpenter so I was able to develop my own personality and did most of the work as a homemaker. I was therefore able to cope better than some people who have become so devastated. Having cared for my husband for over 3yrs. I had my grieving time at time of diagnosis. You could benefit from seeing a grief counsellor for support and it is such a good service for helping one stuck in grief and unable to move forward. None of us want to go on. We do it best ONE DAY AT A TIME. I have also found it helpful to FOCUS. This is how I cope. I could do nothing about my situation so I had to change my attitude towards my loss and put the focus on my Adult children and how they would need me.
You need to start doing some special good things for yourself each day to build yourself up. It sounds as if your wife was your strength and encouragement and now she has gone you are down on yourself. START BUILDING YOURSELF UP. Your self esteem has been assaulted and you need to Love yourself back into life. When we have no one to encourage us. We can do this for ourselves by slowly building ourselves up and getting our strength back. You will start to heal from your loss and it won't be all consuming as it is at the beginning. I thought I would never recover. Every day is a challenge and we just soldier on hoping that life will get better in time. We have no choice but to live on. Consider that you have friends on this site that are with you and you can write back often for on going support.

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