My Everything...

by Alicia

Today it has been 3 months since my mother’s death. I started crying at work and I went into the ladies restroom and cried like a baby. She died on December 6, 2013. She would have been 60 December 22. And of course there’s Christmas. So let’s say it’s been really hard. My mom has been sick my whole life and I took care of her. I was home schooled at one point so I could take care of her. Fall of 2009 she had her first major stroke that paralyzed her right side. She was a major smoker and that didn’t help with her strokes at all. If anything it made it worst. On top of the high blood pressure and her not taking her meds because she had a hard time swallowing the pills. My mom was stubborn, she didn’t like the taste so we tried to find ways to make it taste better but she still didn’t take them. I’m 25 and it felt like I was my moms mother for such a long time. This is the first time in my life that I don’t have to take care of anyone and I don’t have anyone to worry about so I feel lost and disconnected. When I was younger, I thought if my mother died, I knew for a fact I would die with her. Strangely enough I’m still here, surviving. Taking it day by day. Her health failed so quickly that I prayed to God, lord take her now. I don’t want to see her like this. She wouldn’t want to be liked this. I told her it was okay if it was her time to go. She passed later that night. I wonder now if I should have prayed to God asking to take her now. I miss her. She was a huge part of my life and piece of me died along with her. I’ve disappeared from social networking and I moved from the state I was living when she passed. I basically ran away to the state she consider her home. I miss her. I miss when we use to talk and I would make her laugh. She was always laughing. Mostly laughing at me and all my shenanigans. She was the first person I ever loved. I loved her more than me. She was everything to me. She still is. I miss you Mama.

Comments for My Everything...

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Mar 18, 2014
thank you
by: Abbey


I'm 24 and my mom died on January 1, 2014. I visited this blog because I am lonely and feel very isolated. I guess I wanted to know that I am not alone, that grieving is normal, and there are other people out there who know what it's like. So thank you so much for sharing. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Feel free to email me if you need a pen pal who is going through something similar.

Mar 13, 2014
You will find a way
by: Anonymous

Hi Alicia,

I, too, cried today for my mother. Just tonight, in fact, as I was trying do do some cleaning up and came upon more of her things, with her handwriting; notes on newspaper articles that said 'keep.' Other things that, as her caregiver as you were for your mother, I knew what she was thinking as she saved them. It's been two and a half years since she died.
You will find a way to go on; she would want that. She gave you life so you would have a life. You were a devoted daughter, now take the time to cry and grieve when you need do. I wonder if that ever really goes away. But you will find a way, each day, to go on. And know that in doing so you honor her.
You will be with her again one day, know that.

Mar 10, 2014
You are not alone
by: Patricia

Alicia, I feel your grief and pain. My own mother passed Dec. 16th 2013. I, too, prayed. I prayed for relief for my mom and I didn't want her to suffer. It took everything in me to not lie about the DNR my mother had. The main reason I didn't interfere and demand they resuscitate my mom was that she had suffered enough. She had wanted to give up for so long, she wanted to stop all the procedures, stop all the meds, I kept pushing her to try everything - and she did for me - and also b/c she always bounced back. But, something was different that last time. There would be no bouncing back. Long story short, she went quietly 5 hours after I told her even though it was all in God's hands, that she should fight and not give up. At first it seems so unreal. It appears as if your coping and even getting back into your routine but then the grief and yearning grabs hold of you....You are not alone. Hang in there. Tomorrow is a different day.

Mar 06, 2014
My Everything......
by: Doreen UK

Alicia I am so sorry for your loss of your Mom. I can understand you feeling lost and disconnected due to being a carer for your mom at such a young age and on going. You could benefit from counselling in order to understand and grieve your own loss of a normal childhood because of caring for your mom at a young age. You had to become an adult at a young age, and so lost out on your normal childhood nurturing. This can cause a person to grow up emotionally damaged. I was caring for my parents and 5 sibling from the age of 14yrs. I enjoyed the caring, but it interfered with my normal childhood patterns of living and my schooling, getting an education was hard and I had to become a mother to everyone. You just take it on as a normal part of life. But as you get older this is when the damage is felt. I was so damaged I couldn't function. I had to go into counselling in my 40's. I had the best counsellor and I healed in ways that I didn't expect. It was the making of me and I healed to the point of becoming a more functional person within my family. It was the best experience of my life to heal from emotional pain and damaged emotions. I hope that you will get the support you need and heal from your loss
of your Mom.

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