My facade is crumbling

by Judy
(Rockledge FL)

Well here I am 2 years and 4 months since Barry died. I have been chugging along trying to live this new life and succeeding at least on the surface. But lately my facade of coping and being happy is beginning to crumble from the inside out.

Actually many days are gray. I still have not figured out what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life. I am looking at retirement soon and then what? What do I love enough to keep me busy everyday? What do I love? I love my kids and my cat. I love a couple of long-time friends. I know I'll love my grandchild when he arrives. When he comes I will have 10 days of feeling pretty useful and happy and then I'll come back to this bland existence.

Really I'm bored, bored with this empty life that Barry filled up everyday.

I am still lonesome. I tried another man, but he really didn't do anything to liven up my life in a significant way. He's not Barry. He didn't come close. I know that's an unrealistic expectation, but what is a realistic expectation? I don't know.

I still am blue many days. I still hate holidays-Easter is around the corner and will be another holiday I spend alone.

I feel like I'm back on the river, floating along on grief.

God I hate this life.

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