My first born died on December 11, 2012 of Aids, I am Lost

by Toni Epperson
(Toledo, Ohio, USA)

My David

My David

My David
David Anthony Brown
My David

We didn't even know that David was even sick, he went to the ER in September that's when we found out he was HIV positive. He had been for years, but for some reason he never told us, nor got treatment. He was in the hospital for one month, and came home with us for almost 3 weeks, then grand mal seizures. Second hospitalizion Noveember 11th - died December 11th. My heart hurst like it has never hurt before!I love my boy so much, and I am angry with his choice of not getting treatment, nor sharing this with at least me his mom. I go into his room daily and sit on the bed wanting him to be there so that I can take care of him. I miss my boy. In the end Advanced staged Aids was diagnosed, then I found out he was originally diagnosed with AIDS back in September! No one ever told us; I continually asked the Doctors is this AIDS or HIV and I was told HIV each time. It was a nurse who called me and told me about the AIDS 3 days before he died. I have so many questions, that I know I will never get answers to. I am hollow inside, I miss my boy.When I think back over the years, I remember the phone calls in the middle of the night: my David crying just crying, and me attempting to console him. I remember over the years the deep depression episodes, and the suicide attempts. I remember him getting jumped just walking down the street because of his lifestyle. I remember so much, I miss my boy. My David was 30yrs old when he departed this life, and I will miss him for the rest of mines.

Comments for My first born died on December 11, 2012 of Aids, I am Lost

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Apr 25, 2013
Still healing
by: Toni Epperson

My journey is this valley still continues, I am still healing; but I don't know if I will ever be completely healed from this devastating blow to my heart and soul. I still cry, I still miss my David so very much. I am still somewhat numb. I just finished a semester in school and have decided to take the summer off. I have thrown myself into school, as I did when he first became sick in September and even when he passed. I need sometime to really process what has happened. I know that this too shall pass, however I will never ever be the same without my first born here with me.

Feb 12, 2013
by: Kate

Your strength is coming through . It shows in your words and gives us help too with our journey. Thank you for posting. This is the hardest thing we ever do in life I think. But by grace of God we are here for others who need us too. Love to you.

Feb 11, 2013
It's been two months
by: Anonymous

It has been two months since my David made his transition. It has been a very hard two months, but I can say I AM STILL STANDING! At times I am wobbling, but yet I am still standing. I will forever miss my boy, and I think that my heart will always have that void. I still question and ponder, but not as much. My love for David still grows strong, and I know that his love for us is also strong. I remember him struggling in his last few breaths to say MOM. I will never forget this as long as I live. We had a special bond, he was my one. He never gave me any trouble, he was respectful to me, and cared and worried about me so much. I miss him so much; however I am finding my way back to some semblance of life. I will never be the person I was, but whatever I am being made into, I know that I will be better, stronger even than before. Thank you for all of your words of comfort, they are greatly appreciated.

Feb 11, 2013
Your son
by: Kate

I am just thinking of you. Sending care your way as we struggle through each day.

Jan 29, 2013
Sweet son's mama
by: Anonymous

Toni, I am so sorry about your David. He was just a few years younger than my Aaron. We all on here love our sons and daughters so very much. In the first few weeks I kept expecting Aaron to walk through the door with his beautiful smile and hilarious laugh. All I could think of was "I want my boy back"!!! Of course you miss him, love him and want him. As you can see hon, none of us are alone in this grief and pain. My love and prayers and thoughts go to you. God please help us in our pain!!!

Jan 13, 2013
Your loss I'd great
by: Kate

I loss my son Nov.17,2012
I can say your loss is great,because mine is.
We loved our sons so much.
It doesn't matter how they died. They died. The sorrow
And pain is overwhelming. I wake up every morning with
This huge loss. I miss my son!
I know you are feeling that too.
My son was found dead by his roommate . The toxicology
Report is not back yet so I don't even know why.
My heart is broken. I know yours is too. I am so sorry for your loss. I feel your love for your son. We must struggle through this grief,all of on her together. god bless you and all on here,
Please Lord help us cope.

Jan 02, 2013
My first born died on December 11, 2012 of Aids, I am Lost
by: Doreen U.K.

Toni I am sorry for your loss of your son to Aids. As parents we will never stop worrying about our children no matter how old they are. We try to protect them and shield them from the harshness of life. Sadly kids go on to develop lifestyles that will be a risk whether partner choice, drugs, whatever. That will leave us parents BROKEN FOREVER. When they lose their life due to their CHOICES, part of us dies. WE find it hard to FUNCTION. Parents were never meant to outlive their children. Yet it is happening more and more these days as if the UNIVERSE has reversed this. A grief counsellor may benefit you at this time when your pain will be so harsh you would welcome instant relief. There is no medication for this pain. The pain of GRIEF rips through us like a tornado. We wonder how we will recover. Every day is so very painful. We go through each day waiting for relief to come from this sorrow. Such pain makes no sense. For me and my loss it feels like being set on fire and no one to put the flames out. All burnt up. Other times it is as if I am slowly bleeding to death, but I am still here. All without PAIN RELIEF MEDICATION. Everyone feels different. Perhaps just one person may identify the same feelings and not be able to put this into words. When there are no answers to our LOSS we run to God who does have all the answers and is our only Comfort and HOPE. I hope that you will be comforted in your Grief and Healing will come soon.

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