MY FIRST BORN IS GONE

by Marilyn
(Illinios)

After being apart from my adult son for 2 and a half years we got back together and shared just a few weeks before he passed 3 days after being diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. My 3 other sons and I planned on a visit with him on a saturday but I felt the need to visit on a friday, little did I know that this day would be the last day I had with him. I witnessed his passing while there. I have no words to describe the pain in my soul! The pain of losing my husband just 6 mos. before was painful, but my son's death left me feeling as though my very soul was dying! When you lose a child, there is no pain like it. Your first born holds a special "status" also. I think the best thing one can do is acknowledge the pain and let the grieving process do it's purpose, we have to grieve, it lets out some of the pain, like a "release" from the pain. I am naturally wanting the pain to lessen and will always protect that special corner in my heart for him. I think a mother would always trade places with a child, no matter the age, as that seems to be the natural way of things, parents first. Our ways are not His ways, I know His reasons for something like this has a purpose and it will be revealed, if it is necessary, someday.