My First Born Sean Patrick is Gone

by Carol , Seans mom
(Bellingham, mass)

I have written here before. I am Carol,Seans mom. Sean died suddenly on November 15,2011. Suddenly means we never got to say goodbye. We never got to tell him even one more time how much we love him. I never got to tell him again how proud I was of him. He was such a big part of my life. On mothers day the thirteenth it will be six months ago that he did not get up for work. The past six months have been filled with shock,anger,pain and sadness. I am so angry now. I lash out at everyone. I have changed so much I don't even know who I am anymore. I have two daughters to stay strong for yet I don't feel like strong is something I can do anymore. My daughter is graduating college on Saturday. I am so proud. She has struggled since her brothers sudden death. I am left remembering appointments he had that week and the following few weeks. I am left knowing what he wanted with his life because he told me all the time. He was only 24. He never even got started. He wanted a home and a family. Sean would of made a great dad and since I can remember he talked of having children. Life has gone on around me and yet I am frozen. I am frozen with grief. People probably wonder how I even get threw a day at work,I don't even have those answers. I am consumed by memories. I cry all the time. My body has constant pain and I never feel good.There is no way I will be the mom I use to be and that devastates me. That is what I love. My children are everything to me. But one is missing and he took a huge chunk right out of my heart. I know they say I have to look for a new normal. There is nothing normal about living a life without my oldest child. He was my only son. He has two beautiful sisters and alot of family who love and miss him. There is nothing normal about that. He had plans. He had friends who miss him and write to us. I just sit and cry. He should be here with them. Six months later life is just hard. It is sad,painful and devastating. I hope to eventually find some peace. I have become physically ill and I don't know how to make this better. I love you Sean Patrick with all my heart.

Comments for My First Born Sean Patrick is Gone

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Jun 03, 2012
Blank sheet of paper
by: Lue, Jacob's mom

Dear Carol,
I am so sorry for your loss. There isn't any words that will remove any of the feelings you have. After Jacob died I had all the rage and sorrow I could handle and I knew I was no longer who I used to be. I felt like a blank sheet of paper is the best way I could describe it and I had no idea or felt like I had much control of who I was evolving into. People don't understand this kind of pain unless they have gone through it. So they ask dumb questions like have you gone back to work,ect. They don't know that you are at a stand still, in quick sand, you are drowning. They won't mention your child's name. Scared that will get you upset, but you love to hear your Sean's name don't you? The truth is people can't handle our pain so that is why this site is great because we are with people here that know exactly the feelings we are having. Jacob has been gone for 11 years. It has taken me along time to process his passing. Your grief will take you as long as you need to. There is no time limit, no rules, no measuring of where you should be at any certain time. You don't think you will ever have joy in your life again. I don't have words of wisdom but have had years to process the worst thing that has ever happened to me. All I can tell you is grieve as you need to. Try to get rest, try to take care of Carol. One day you will have joy again, one day you will laugh again, one day you can look at pictures that maybe right now you can't. Hold on Carol. Just hold on.
I will say a prayer for you Carol. I write poetry and always have and writing down my thoughts and ramblings at times, and writing poems of how I felt as I was going through the grieving process helped me alittle. I look back on them now and read them to see where I was in my thinking at that time. I have just submitted a poem to this site but the site manager hasn't approved it yet. I will be submitting more poems in the future. Maybe you can read them and identify with some of it. Maybe in some small way it will help you, I hope so. My Soul is the one I just submitted, Then I am going to do one called The Angel that Mends Broken Hearts, one called To my Son Jacob, and one called I Miss the Boy. With me anyway if I write down my feelings, it helps get it out of me just like crying helps get feelings out some if that makes sense. We are here for each other so if you want to write me again, feel free to do so. Take care, Lue

May 17, 2012
First Born Sean
by: Anonymous

Dear Carol and all those who respond,

My heart goes out to each of you. I feel your pain. I know the lonliness, the ache to touch them and talk to them again. I know the mind-boggling suggestions that we get a "new" normal. Buzz words. Shop talk by those who have never been through horrific tragedy. Some have, I am sure. They know what it's like. I know what it's like. My journey began 6 years ago when my eldest took his own life. So I know your pain and yes, I am a different person. I have the before me and the after me. The date of death stopped time for a bit. Now, it is before and after. The before me was blown to bits with the aftershock. There was no me left. I "free fell" for a long time before I felt like God was recreating me and different in many ways. The new me speaks out more. The new me has a ministry to help other grievers along their journey, step by step. The new me was able to tell my story in front of people, though still a scary thing.
Blessings, GT

May 16, 2012
Thanks for your comment
by: Roberta

Carol, you were the first to write on my comments and I want to thank you, just knowing all these people out there have had similar stories to tell makes the isolation and anger a little more bearable, the most common thing I hear in all the comments is the hurt pain and willness to keep going is always there, nothing seems to make any sense, confusion, hurt and pain, is that all there is left. I don't think so, that would just be wrong I want to make sure my beautiful daughter is rememberd with love and happiness, i want to make sure her children know how much she loved them and would have given anything to have watched them grow up. Every night me and my grand daughters say our prayers together and then we talk to mommy to let her know how our day went and how we feel, if I did not have that maybe i would be on the brink of despair, but I just know in my heart that this is the way to go, maybe its not for everyone but I need to be in touch with her I need to talk to her everyday and listen to her voice watch her videos on youtube she had 63 of them, look through her thousands of pictures, she called herself Stalker lor, it really helps and if someday someone tells me I am obsessed or to get over it, I'll tell them to take a hike, thanks for letting me write like this and God bless you xxxooo

May 13, 2012
From a Child to all of you moms
by: Denise

I am so sorry for all of your losses, I am 24 years old, and I was hoping to maybe help ease some of the hurt. My mother lost my older brother a year before I was born, I remember her crying even as I was a toddler and teenager, I remember then associating my brothers name with sadness. What I didn't do was know him for the sweet boy he was! I think it is most important to remember one thing, all of you talk about the beautiful memories you have shared with your children, and how they no longer have the chance to live, although God knows how difficult it is to live without them remember you were given a gift that they weren't the gift of still living. Use that gift as a chance to live their legacy, they wouldn't want their name to be associated with pain and sadness because that's not who they where, live for them as they would live if they were here. That's what I would want from my mom. I would want her to remember and speak of only the good! Best wishes to you all!

May 10, 2012
Our Losses
by: Aaron's mom

Hello to Sean's mom and all the mothers here who have lost their child:

I think all of us can identify with the unbearable and searing grief we feel with the losses of our children. It's just not natural to have your child die before you, is it? The overwhelming sadness that overcomes our whole lives; at work, at home (affecting our other children), our thoughts of what should have been for our children in Heaven, our anger, our questions about why, it goes on and on and on.

My 29 year old son Aaron died in his sleep on Valentine's day 2012. Mother's Day is going to be a very difficult day to get through this year and the next day is the three month mark. Aaron's birthday is May 28th; he would have been 30 years old.

I am cooking his favorite dinner, making him a cake. We will sing happy birthday (if I can get through that) and I am buying helium balloons so Aaron's siblings and I can write our messages on them and let them go; maybe he will be able to see and read them.

I just wanted to say to Sean's mom and the rest who have commented, that I am so very sorry for your losses. My God, no one knows this pain until you've been through it, and I wish nobody ever has to feel what I can't even describe. I like the fact that we can all come here and support each other. Sean's mom made a comment on my post when Aaron first died, and honestly, I'm not sure I'd still be here if it hadn't been for the support of complete strangers who are bound together by the worst of circumstances.

To ALL of you, I'm holding your hand in faith and prayer. And Dear God, watch over all of us.

May 09, 2012
I know
by: Sandy A

Carol - I know how you feel.My son Ryan passed away Jan 2011 - his birthday was this past Monday and he would have been 30. I can't stand the thought they he will forever be 28. Like you said about Sean, he had a life. It tears me apart inside. Its 15 months and i am not used to this new normal. I dont want it - i want my life back the way it used to be with my son in it. I find that keeping extremely busy helps and well as lots and lots of praying. I know this is going to be a long long time trying to adjust to this. No - I will never ever accept it. I will keep you in my prayers . Esp on the 13th. Try and take care. God Bless

May 09, 2012
HELP IS THERE
by: Angel Mom

I am in my fourth year of the loss of my precious son, Leedon. He was also only 24. He was killed suddenly and we didn't get to say goodbye. I still cry everyday and miss him constantly, but I will love him forever. I have two other son's, two daughter-in-laws and three granddaughters, which helps me. The new normal is missing your child everyday, but the crying gets better, the pain you just learn to cope with it. The pain is physical so it doesn't actually go away, you let it surface when you want it to. You go on with you life and eventually you learn to laugh again without feeling guilty, but you never forget your precious ANGEL. I belong to a support group for Mother who have lost children, and they tell you that it takes about 5 years to get to some type of normal, but that the pain never goes away you just learn to cope with the pain and life again. So hang in there, you will get there. Everyones journey is different but also very similar. God Bless.

May 08, 2012
First Born Sean Patrick
by: April

Dear Carol,
I lost my youngest son, Austin, June 22, 2012. Like you I never got to say goodbye. Austin drowned in the river. He was missing for 3 weeks before they found his body. I have also heard that I will find a new normal. I do not see how life could ever be normal again. Like you the 2 things I am proudest of in my life have been Austin & my oldest son Aaron. I love and cherish every moment I have had with them. This Sunday, Mothers Day, was the last day I spent with Austin. I am beyond angry. I have trouble feeling there is a God. How could Austin, who was a loving, giving young man, have been taken before he got to live his life. He didn't deserve to be taken from everyone who loves him. None of this makes sense.
My heart goes out to you & your daughters. I hope someday we will find some peace.
XO April

May 08, 2012
It Hurts
by: Rose

I am so sorry for your pain. I do not have any sons..I have 3 daughters. Two of them are with me here in this world, and 1 left me last year. She is Heaven bound. Shanny was my oldest, too.

Some days it is hard to breathe, isn't it? What I have learned is that life is short, and I cannot neglect my two girls who need me-here in the present. I have grandchildren who need me also. Three of them are Shanny's. And yet, some days I can barely move-much less reach beyond my pain.

I have heard the new normal..I have heard a lot of things-but I know this-no one-and I mean no one-can make my journey but me. And no one can make yours. But you do not have to do it alone.

Blessings-
Rose

May 08, 2012
My heart goes out to you.
by: Anonymous

Dear Carol,

I'm three months into my grief and I completely understand what you're feeling. I too have been told to find the new normal, but I don't even know what that means. I have all the emotions you're going through. Like you, my loss was sudden. I never got the chance to say "I love you" one more time. I am also drowning in memories and missed appointments, and the palpable absence of a loved one in what was the day-to-day routine.

Unlike you, I am alone.

Although the circumstances of our losses are different, I feel your pain. I know my words are inadequate, but I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that there are many who feel just like you do.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

R

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