My First Born Sean Patrick is Gone
by Carol , Seans mom
I have written here before. I am Carol,Seans mom. Sean died suddenly on November 15,2011. Suddenly means we never got to say goodbye. We never got to tell him even one more time how much we love him. I never got to tell him again how proud I was of him. He was such a big part of my life. On mothers day the thirteenth it will be six months ago that he did not get up for work. The past six months have been filled with shock,anger,pain and sadness. I am so angry now. I lash out at everyone. I have changed so much I don't even know who I am anymore. I have two daughters to stay strong for yet I don't feel like strong is something I can do anymore. My daughter is graduating college on Saturday. I am so proud. She has struggled since her brothers sudden death. I am left remembering appointments he had that week and the following few weeks. I am left knowing what he wanted with his life because he told me all the time. He was only 24. He never even got started. He wanted a home and a family. Sean would of made a great dad and since I can remember he talked of having children. Life has gone on around me and yet I am frozen. I am frozen with grief. People probably wonder how I even get threw a day at work,I don't even have those answers. I am consumed by memories. I cry all the time. My body has constant pain and I never feel good.There is no way I will be the mom I use to be and that devastates me. That is what I love. My children are everything to me. But one is missing and he took a huge chunk right out of my heart. I know they say I have to look for a new normal. There is nothing normal about living a life without my oldest child. He was my only son. He has two beautiful sisters and alot of family who love and miss him. There is nothing normal about that. He had plans. He had friends who miss him and write to us. I just sit and cry. He should be here with them. Six months later life is just hard. It is sad,painful and devastating. I hope to eventually find some peace. I have become physically ill and I don't know how to make this better. I love you Sean Patrick with all my heart.