My First Christmas Without My Love
My love died on April 15, 2011 after a lengthy illness. This was his time of the year. He loved putting up the decorations, shopping, cooking and all the excitement. He was just so happy during the holidays.
I thought how in the world was I going to get through this time of year. The previous months have been the most difficult time...crying and the loneliness..the feeling of just not being able to make it through. I decided to just tuck tail and run away from my two sons and my five grandchildren. I just couldn't be the one to bring more sadness into their lives at a time that should be filled with joy and excitment!!
I even talked to my boys about my wish to be alone and I saw the hurt look in their eyes and realized that I couldn't win no matter what I did. The youngest one finally spoke up and said "Mom we will honor whatever you want but don't you realize that this our first Christmas without Dad too? Can't we do this together?"
I finally decided that I would honor my husband and be there to support the boys. After all this is what Arthur would have wanted me to do. I kept putting off the idea of a Christmas tree and decorations. I just wasn't strong enough...then time was closing in on me. Wednesday night my 12 year old granddaughter came running into the house and wanted me to come outside. When I got out there, my son was standing there with a Christmas tree that my granddaughter had gotten at Church. Then they came back over and got the decorations out and put the tree up for me. We laughed at the "old" ornaments that the boys had made when they were in school...and the way that their dad had always made sure that these were put on the front of the tree. It was really a good time just remembering the way that their dad had always done things..
It kinda looks like a "Charlie Brown" tree compared to the one that Arthur would have picked out and decorated but its up. Stephen, my oldest son, said that he knew how I got the tree. He said that Arthur was talking to God and told Him that He was just gonna have to bring a tree to me because he knew that I probably wouldn't get one.
Christmas isn't here yet and not sure what the day will hold but I will try and muster the strength to make it through the 24 hours. I don't understand why everything has to be such a struggle. I love and miss him so much and still spend my time and energy just trying to exist. I just hope that he will be proud of all that I'm trying to do to honor his wishes.