My first love lost his battle

On January 8, 2013 my husband lost his battle with addiction. He was pronounced dead at 4:22am from a heroin overdose. We married in 2003 at the young age of 18. Once he turned 21 he began drinking, smoking marijuana and eventually experimenting with hard drugs. I never felt the need to participate in the drug use. I would work to support us...and his addiction. For years I was an enabler bailing him out of jail, giving him money and taking care of him when he was withdrawing. As the years passed we were not happy. My husband tried rehab three times but would never complete the programs. In 2010 we were blessed with a healthy beautiful daughter. To try to beat the addiction He also tried a methadone treatment. The methadone made things worse he started abusing xanax. I then refused to give him money for the drugs and he would find his own way, making money off other addicts. In June of 2012 I decided that I needed to make a change for my daughter. I did not want her exposed to drugs and that life style. I left him and took our daughter with me. I would allow him to see her but only under my and his mothers supervision. I thought he was doing better, he wanted his family back. The Sunday before he died he told his mother he wanted to try rehab again. She agreed to help him. When she got home from work Monday he was gone and never returned. He passed away at a so-called friends house, I have no idea who that person was. I feel that he wanted to use one last time and this last time took him out. I feel guilty if I wouldn't of left him I could have been there to save him. I still loved him he was my first, my husband and the father of my child. Its only been a week and I miss him intensely. Thoughts on if he suffered and if he was scared haunt me. Is he resting or lost. The image of him in the coffin don't leave my mind. I want him to come back, I feel lost.

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Jun 17, 2013
lost his battle
by: Doreen U.K.

Anonymous when my husband passed away there was no way our grandson of 4yrs. knew. He said to his dad grandpa is up in the clouds he is in the sky. He said I can see grandpa. This is another story of children seeing loved one's pass into the sky.

Jun 16, 2013
lost his battle
by: Anonymous

Des, I am so very sorry for your loss. I do not think you should blame yourself. You had no idea of what he would do to himself and therefore no control. I too lost my husband in July, 2012 and for months blamed myself because I didn't get him to a doctor on the day he died. He refused my suggestions and died of a massive heart attack that night in his sleep. Very hard to deal with. But getting back to your story, I really wish there were more severe penalties on the drug pushers to put a stop to all of it. There are so many innocent people losing their lives and getting caught up in these addictions. You had tremendous strength not going along with all of it. This was a good thing for the sake of eventually having a healthy little girl. I also seen where you said your little girl said she saw your husband after he passed away. My 3 year old grandson said to my daughter after my husband passed on "Look. There's grandpa up in the clouds." This stunned my daughter. A couple of weeks ago this same grandson claimed to have seen grandpa in some flowery bushes. I really don't know what to make of all that. I find it strange though that it happened in your case and my case to a very young person in the family. Maybe it is a sign that they are in heaven and are fine. I don't know. Keep up your courage and strength and take good care of yourself.

Mar 06, 2013
To Lisa
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry for your loss. Your loss is very recent and I remember all the feelings I had. It gets better but then there are those days where it hits you and when it does it hits hard.
You will think about him everyday, you'll hear a song and start crying. I've taken the long way to places, when I pass the cemetery I brake down. My prayers r with you, your family and your loved one

Mar 04, 2013
Our stories are very similar
by: Lisa

Hello and I'm so sorry for your loss. I also lost my husband to addiction just last week. I am much older than you but my story is very much the same. We married in 1998. He was the kindest man and I loved him very much. After our son was born in 2000, he began to struggle with alcohol and prescription drugs. I tried so hard to help him and he tried several rehab programs. In 2007 I had him re enter another rehab program and would not let him back until he showed sustained sobriety. That never happened. We remained close and he would spend time with our son with me close by. I lost him last week. He was found alone in a hotel room. I am overcome with grief and sadness, and blame myself for his lonely last few days. I don't think I will ever recover from the sadness I feel. He was once such a happy, loving man and I miss the man I used to know.

Jan 26, 2013
My first love lost his battle
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous you are torturing yourself with your wish list. It is human nature to make mistakes and we will have more regrets in life than we can cope with. You may be right in how you feel but you cannot live another minute like this. It will destroy you as a person and you don't deserve this. Now you have got your regrets out of the way, keep a journal and write in this journal all the good points and things that happened between you and your first love. If you think hard they will be there buried under your regrets and you may have to work hard to dig them out. Then build on these positive happenings. You will then have to go on as we all have to and FORGIVE YOURSELF for your shortcomings and mistakes you made. We all have them. Even our loved one's who have died will feel the same way. They had regrets also. They just didn't get the chance to explore theirs. No one can bring your partner back. But you can't go through life punishing yourself for what happened. Start looking forward and try to build your life up again and do it for yourself and for your partner. He would have loved you enough to Forgive you for any mistakes you made otherwise he wouldn't have turned to you in his need. My sister was caught between a son and her second husband. She lost her son. he committed suicide. We all make CHOICES in life and some are the right one's and some wrong. We just take the risk and if it doesn't work the way we thought we have to accept this and move forward even if it be with the help of a counsellor.

Jan 23, 2013
by: Anonymous

There are no words I can say to comfort you. None comfort me. Everything you described are my "what if's". All I can do is care for our daughter she's only 2. He would want me to stay with her even though I want to see and be with him. Its not fair that he left us in this ugly, cruel, and selfish world by ourselves.

Jan 23, 2013
my first love lost his battle
by: Anonymous

My mind is tortured by the what ifs.
I wish i had never separated from him, I wish I could have coped better and not been so horrible to him, I wish i had not started another relationship, I wish I had phoned him more in the last year, I wish when he had asked me to visit him and offered to pay I wish i had gone and not just said I'd think about it.
I wish i could have saved him.
I wish I had made clearer how much I loved him, I wish I had hugged him the last time i saw him, because i wanted to but didn't want to confuse things, and i wish I had let him come into my flat when he asked instead of keeping him in the hallway.
I wish I could go back to sometime 5 years ago and everything could have gone differently.
I do not want to feel better, nobody can help me because nobody can make it not have happened.
I knew how ill he was and I didn't take it seriously, I thought he would always be around and I wish we had fully made our peace.
Every morning I wake up in hell and i do not know how long i can bear it.

Jan 22, 2013
by: Anonymous

I think of him everyday and the feeling I get is indescribable. I feel a nervousness in my chest, I keep reading the messages that he sent me days before his death. I'm still very shocked that he is gone. I want to be with him but I have my daughter to live for. People say everyday will be a little better that's not true. I keep thinking my phone will ring and it will be him. He didn't want to die it was an accident. Does anyone else wonder what could of been done if they could turn back time?...I do

Jan 22, 2013
my first love lost his battle
by: Anonymous

My partner had a serious drug habit and after five years I could not cope with the stress any longer. He reluctantly moved into a different flat in the same house and we stayed friends, although it was still a bit tempetuous.
Three years ago he left the area to stay with his family and his health broke down bit by bit.
I started another relationship which devastated him. But we stayed in touch, very loosely.
He died six weeks ago.
Every thought of him pierces me like red hot skewers and I feel like I am going insane.
Despite everything, he was a beautiful person who had a great capacity for love and was utterly unique and magical.
It does not help when people say he was responsible for his own choices, and it does not help when people point out that I had to separate from him for my own protection, or when people say that I had helped him so much and that ultimately the only person who could save him was himself.
None of this helps.
All I can think of are the times I said no, and how hard his life was and how vulnerable he was, and that addiction is never a choice.
He tried so many times to break free of drugs but he couldn't do it. Those who have never been addicted have no idea how hard the battle is to be free of drugs.
I do not know what the answer is for those of us left behind.
Most days I want to die.
I am told that in time the intensity will lessen and I will find perspective.
I cannot yet see this.
I wish you love.

Jan 19, 2013
by: Des

My 2 year old daughter was laying with me in bed this morning when suddenly in her baby talk told me daddy was up, she pointed to the ceiling. I asked her what he was doing and she said flying. I asked if he was pretty and she said yes. But I don't see him I said and she kept looking and pointing up. What do y'all think of this? Could it be possible?

Jan 19, 2013
by: Des

Thank you all for your encouraging words. I cried as I read your comments, but for some odd reason words of sympathy seem to have more meaning when from strangers. As my family show their sympathy I think its not genuine...they couldn't stand him for the things he did. Mom is probably happy he died. I'm just going on and on with different things. Im going to look into seeing a doctor or counselor.

Jan 18, 2013
My first love lost his battle
by: Doreen U.K.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your first love/husband from this tragic death. You are a fine young woman with a wise head on young shoulders. You are to be APPLAUDED for taking your daughter away so that she would not be exposed to drugs. You are to be APPLAUDED for not joining in taking drugs. You also should commend yourself for enabling him only in a positive way but not in the way of supporting his drug habit by funding this. He eventually went away to get the drugs himself when he found out you had your limitations. You would only go so far. You are a very remarkable woman for walking away showed how much you loved him. Staying is not always a reason for loving a person. GREATER LOVE is walking away. You gave up your own need. That is a great sacrifice of Love. Your husband was responsible for his own CHOICES/DECISIONS. Sad to say something in his life caused him to make the wrong choices and decisions that could have caused him to be so fragile that he chose the wrong lifestyle. DRUGS is the curse of the modern day. People USE for different reasons. Some try to block out their pain for a while and then the drugs take over and destroy lives. It is natural to worry how he died and if he suffered. This is part of your grief. He probably didn't suffer. Death is but a SLEEP. He is resting in Peace from his pain and suffering. Not the way you anticipated your life would turn out. Do not waste time blaming yourself for his death if you had stayed. This is negative thinking. You did the most positive think for everyone. Don't ever lose confidence in this. Go and see a grief counsellor to help you get your life back on track and grieve your loss. You will recover and be able to go forward in life. But it will be a tough struggle emotionally and also financially. Try and put some support in place for yourself to help you cope in any situation that arises with finance and just managing day to day.

Jan 18, 2013
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

I am so very sorry for your loss.
Please DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. He is now in Gods loving arms and is no longer a victim.
My husband was a recovered alcoholic. Only he could stop his addiction to alcohol. BELIEVE ME, IN THE BEGINNING I THOUGHT I COULD CHANGE HIM.
He died June 27,2011. He had a massive heart attack. He had 8 grandchildren and two step grandchildren, they never knew he had had a drinking problem.
My husband was 67 when he died. My adult children are still angry that he died, after this man made a complete change in his life. He was adored by his children and grandchildren and I was so proud of him. He was not perfect by any means.
There was nothing you could ever personally do to change your husband. You have a beautiful little girl that will always remind you of him. That is a gift from God. Keep the memory of your husband alive.
You are a very young girl. Life is just beginning for you. You may not feel like it right now.
Take time to heal. Take time to grieve. If possible join a grief support group. Go to AlAnon,even though your husband died, the people there will give you support and understanding. There even are suport groups out there for people whose loved ones are addicted to drugs. Your own doctor could get to information.
God Bless You! Your are not alone and again there isn't anything you could have done to change things. WE CAN ONLY CHANGE OURSELES..

Jan 18, 2013
by: robyn

Hi....I just kind of happened to come across your story.I want to start off by saying I am very sorry for your loss and pain, even not knowing you. But what I really want to say, although its immensely understandable why you would feel the feelings your feeling, overall, what if your child did pick up on those awful habits? What if she herself grew up and accepted a man who was the same in her life because she was exposed to it? If this ended up would NEVER forgive yourself. So forgive yourself for this. You did this for what you created in life. The most important thing you ever did. Not that he wasnt important, not that you didnt love him. Of course you did, so its so normal for you to think, what if I had been there to save him...well....what maybe could have happend if you DID? Hang in there. Forgive yourself for this. Your protected the most important thing you will ever known. And your daughter deserved that. I commend you.

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