My First Love, my Father
You died on a Tuesday , deep into the frigid winter.
As the ambulance took you away from the home you so desperately wanted to die in,
I cried for all the times you came through for me,
The limo to the prom,
The limo for my 16th birthday.
The ocean, diving off your knee...too scared to be in the cold water of the Atlantic by myself, you kept me warm, kept me laughing,
The vacations, the holidays, the love and humor of a Father who wanted everything for his family, and who grew up with nothing.
A man who , as a child, ran to church across the town, to find solace in God, faith even at a young age so strong one could never put it asunder.
and the thunder...
The actual storms you protected me from,
The storms of my life that were plentiful in sum,
You and your strong voice, "take it easy hon",
made things all better, kept me strong, knowing I had you to lean on,
I cried seeing you lifeless that snowy night, entering the room where you lay, holding you tight,
Where did you go? No breath came from you...
I never thought you would be taken from me, I never truly knew,
Even when they said you were slowly fading away,You knew, but I did not...
that this past Christmas, and Thanksgiving would be your last holidays,
The denial of death is hard to understand,
They tell me you are at peace, that God is with you,.
But I beg the Lord to show me this is true..
Just a sign, I ask him, they call this "bargaining".
A stage of grief, but to me it is no such thing,
I want to see an incontestable sign,
But they tell me that is where faith comes in, believing the edge is straight, without ever measuring the line.
Well I cannot do that yet, I am not ready to let you go,
I see Mom in such pain, misery, sorrow.
Please come and see me, and tell me you are "there",
In heaven forever, come to my dreams, show me anywhere,
Tell me something only you would know, and then I can move on, into a brighter tomorrow.
I hurt you so much, yet you would not withdraw your stoic love,
You Stood by me each time I caused you pain, and like you I too
will too never let go, of the photos, the laughter , because you see.there is a part of my heart steeped in memory,
Of a Father who loved too much, too much he loved me.