My First Love, my Father

by Ashley
(Boston)

You died on a Tuesday , deep into the frigid winter.
As the ambulance took you away from the home you so desperately wanted to die in,
I wept.
I cried for all the times you came through for me,
The limo to the prom,
The limo for my 16th birthday.
The ocean, diving off your knee...too scared to be in the cold water of the Atlantic by myself, you kept me warm, kept me laughing,
The vacations, the holidays, the love and humor of a Father who wanted everything for his family, and who grew up with nothing.
A man who , as a child, ran to church across the town, to find solace in God, faith even at a young age so strong one could never put it asunder.
and the thunder...
The actual storms you protected me from,
The storms of my life that were plentiful in sum,
You and your strong voice, "take it easy hon",
made things all better, kept me strong, knowing I had you to lean on,
I cried.
I cried seeing you lifeless that snowy night, entering the room where you lay, holding you tight,
Where did you go? No breath came from you...
I never thought you would be taken from me, I never truly knew,

Even when they said you were slowly fading away,You knew, but I did not...
that this past Christmas, and Thanksgiving would be your last holidays,
The denial of death is hard to understand,
They tell me you are at peace, that God is with you,.
But I beg the Lord to show me this is true..
Just a sign, I ask him, they call this "bargaining".
A stage of grief, but to me it is no such thing,
I want to see an incontestable sign,
But they tell me that is where faith comes in, believing the edge is straight, without ever measuring the line.
Well I cannot do that yet, I am not ready to let you go,
I see Mom in such pain, misery, sorrow.

Please come and see me, and tell me you are "there",
In heaven forever, come to my dreams, show me anywhere,
Tell me something only you would know, and then I can move on, into a brighter tomorrow.
I hurt you so much, yet you would not withdraw your stoic love,
You Stood by me each time I caused you pain, and like you I too
will too never let go, of the photos, the laughter , because you see.there is a part of my heart steeped in memory,
Of a Father who loved too much, too much he loved me.

Comments for My First Love, my Father

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Apr 13, 2013
your words are so beautiful
by: texastechfan

Your posting was beautiful you put into words the way I've been feeling in the past 2 1/2 years I've lost my parents my husband and my two best friends I lost daddy Jan 20 of this yr I meet monthly with some ladies I met at a hospice grief group it helps to be with them they all understand like your dad, mine always took care of us he was funny,kind, smart,just a great man I got to spend a lot of time with him after he started getting sick it was wonderful to be together just he and I. I told him many times those were threat times of my life . Plus I was finally getting to do something for him. Now IM trying to get by without him don't know how that's gonna happen he was my best friend please take care of you I have a posting on this site,texadtechfan if you'd like to contact me

Apr 08, 2013
My First Love, my Father
by: Doreen U.K.

Ashley I am sorry for you loss of your father. It is hard to move on when someone so close has died so suddenly.
I lost my husband 11 months ago and I am still in denial and shock still trying to process this loss and how it has left me feeling in life, and about life now all ALONE.
Having a good Spiritual life does help us move on in life knowing and believing in the afterlife. You will see your father again. But it is the journey through life without our loved one that is hard. As you say the Christmas and Thanksgivings for the future will never be the same. Grief is painful and hard on us every day. Just like you say I have been in the same place with God. Angry with him for not healing my husband of his cancer. When God is loving and caring and in the Healing business.
BUT. Not everyone gets healed to a degree where they are given back their life. I don't know why? but one question to ask God when I meet with him.
I wanted a sign. I got a lot. WHITE FEATHERS wherever I went. They are getting less now. But they still appear. I also have dreams almost every night of my husband. Only in my dreams he is ALIVE. God gave me a sign I believe before my husband was diagnosed with this deadly cancer. The most beautiful white fan tailed bird sitting on the fence and who has visited us faithfully for the last 4yrs. I am anxious now because this bird has gone for a while and I am praying he comes back and stays with me forever.
Ashley you will learn in time to be happy again with life and you will get your life back. It will take a long time. But don't give up HOPE. This is how we who are left will survive.

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