My First Love

by Ina L. Swinger-Smith
(McDonough, GA )

My babies 30th birthday

My son Anthony L. Swinger died on 11/1/2013 in NYC. He died from complications from a severe case of pancreatitis. Anthony had Lupus, Diabetes and Rheumatoid arthritis as well. My baby was only 30 years old and his poor little body was riddled with health ailments. His courage was amazing because he never complained even when his fingers became disfigured. I never heard him say why me. I’m sure he thought it. I can’t imagine how a young man would feel looking at a body that was constantly changing, and he had no control over it. I was informed on 10/30/13 that he was taken to the emergency room via ambulance after fighting pain for several days. I live in GA and he lived in NY. When I spoke to him he said "I’m waiting on you ma" as a parent you don’t wont to hear something like that from your child. He knew he couldn’t fight anymore but he needed to see his ma before he stopped fighting. I made it him the morning of 11/1/13; by that time my baby had suffered what I’m sure was the most excruciating pain of his life. he went into cardiac arrest 3 times, he had a breathing tube down his throat, a port connected to the arteries in his heart and his stomach had been cut open to release the pressure it was causing on his lungs from the inflammation...his stomach was laying outside of his body covered up with bandages, His body was swollen from all of the fluids they had to put in him to treat the pancreatitis. I looked at my baby and wanted to die. I talked to him to let him know that mommy was there. The priest, my daughter and my son’s fiancé, held hands with my son and began to pray, as we prayed his heart stopped beating for the last time. That beautiful sound was gone forever. I know that he heard me when I spoke to him and he knew he had kept his promise and waited for his ma, he could now stop fighting. I didn’t get to see his beautiful eyes and he didn’t get to see mine. This was the first time that I couldn’t fix what was wrong. I am his mother and I just wanted to make it better. The feelings of helplessness will be with me forever. How do I say goodbye. My son was the first person I ever loved. He had a heart as big as an ocean. He got joy from making others happy. I realized at his funeral that he was loved by so many people. The pain that I feel is something I didn’t know existed, it lies deep in the pit of my stomach and I can’t get it out. I feel like no one could possible understand what I am feeling. My life will never be the same again. I am grateful to God for freeing my son from pain and suffering but the pain doesn’t go away. I pray to him to let me smell him or hear him say "ma" the way that only he could.

Comments for My First Love

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Sep 18, 2014
Does the pain ever subside
by: Ina L. Swinger

November 1st 2014 will be one year since I lost my first love. I am still waiting for the pain to subside. I don’t think it will ever go away and the many unanswered questions will never be answered. It’s still so very hard for me to accept that I will never see him or hear his voice again in this life. I know that he would want me to be happy and live life to the fullest and I often think how can I, He was such an important part of my life his beautiful spirit was one of three that motivated me to live and now he's gone. I love and trust the Lord too much to ever ask why, but that doesn’t ease the pain.

Jan 04, 2014
by: Seana

I hear your pain and you have every right to feel this way. It is so sad that Anthony has moved to heaven at such a young age. He should still be here and be healthy and have your family together again... How could this make sense? Why do we have to go through tragedy to learn lessons in life? Why are these tragedies ok with God? I wish I could help you to feel better, but I know I can't... My son moved to heaven on Nov. 10 , 2013. I know he would have loved your sons baseball cap... My life is also full of so many of the same thoughts and feelings as you... I think our sons would still want to be here with us too, if they had been given the choice... I want them back for us... I just do.....

Nov 21, 2013
by: Your son

No one can understand losing a child except a mother who has done this hard and heartbreaking walk. On here we do understand ,sad to say because we each have had our heart shattered. May God give us all strength. Prayers and love to you.

Nov 19, 2013
your beautiful son
by: Theresa

Dear Ina,

I'm so sorry that you have lost your child. I just wanted you to know how much your words moved me. Your son was a beautiful, kind person, and I believe that he is still a beautiful, kind person in the divine realm. I know that this is little comfort to you because he is not here with you. If there was comfort to give you, I would. All I can offer is my sympathy and my prayers. As soon as I finished reading your letter I stopped to say a prayer of healing for you, your son, and your family. I know this to be powerful healing because it helped me to get through the first anniversary of my mother's passing - 1 year ago today, Nov. 19 - only 3 days before Thanksgiving. Her memorial service was the day after Thanksgiving and the day before my wedding anniversary. It all felt impossible. And what followed was a long series of impossible days. I don't know how me, my sisters, and my Dad made it through to this point. I surely would have perished without this healing prayer. So it is the best that I have to offer.

Your letter, and your son's life have already expanded my heart, and will continue to ripple out to others. This is hard to explain here, but I'll try. When my mother became ill, suffering so much for years, I began a serious study of alternate methods of healing in order to help her any way I could. And it did help her. Along the way various people suggested that I should offer my skills professionally, but I always hesitated, unsure of my direction. I felt that this was a divine calling, but I was not certain of the way that I was being called to use it - and since my mother's passing, maybe I wasn't meant to use it at all? Well, when I read your story my heart welled up with compassion, and in that moment I knew that I was meant to try to help relieve the suffering in the world in my small way. Your son's story guided me to know my direction. I am grateful, thank you for sharing your story.

I hope you are surrounded by caring, supportive people. Wishing you peace & comfort, love & light. Blessings to you and your family.

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