My first solo outing

by Colleen
(Edenvale, Gauteng, South Africa)

Woke up yesterday and had a feeling I must go to the 3rd day of the test cricket Match between South Africa and India. Bruce always wanted to see Kallis get his double century. So I drove to the next city to watch the game and I saw Kallis get his double century. I am sure it was Bruce telling me to go and watch the game.

I was feeling proud of myself that I managed to go on an outing by myself. I was mistaken in thinking that the worst was over because when I woke up this morning I could not leave the house to go to church. I miss you so much Bruce.

Comments for My first solo outing

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Dec 20, 2010
solo outing
by: Lyn Ann

Hi Colleen - I am there with you. I lost my husband on November 20th 2010. Sometimes I feel really strong, and i think that I'm progressing, then within minutes I can have a meltdown totally out of the blue. There is no warning for these, and I've learned to never, never, leave the house without a lot of kleenex, no matter how good I feel at the time....

Sometimes the meltdown is triggered by something external, like a song, or driving by a familiar place, but often a seemingly random thought will come into my head to start the tears.

But the positive thing is that there ARE times when we feel pretty good. So in the middle of the really bad times we can know that these better times are waiting for us. And gradually there will be more good times than bad...

For me, church was a particularly tough experience - since this was something we ALWAYS did together, we sat in the same place, with the same people around us, the same hymnbooks, everything was the same except Jim wasn't sitting next to me. I got a friend to take me, and I cried steadily from the first hymn onwards. But it is all about building new memories in place of the old, and so I think each time it will get easier.

take care, Lyn Ann

Dec 19, 2010
one step one breath...
by:

Colleen,

There will be up and down days. That is why we liken this grief ride to an emotional roller coaster. The fact that you went on a solo outing is quite amazing and you should be proud.

I was like a hermit for some time and only did the bare minimum. I went out I suppose what would be called socially at 6 months just so I would not have to be at home on the 6th of the month and wallow in pity again.

There are so many stages of grief and they are not all written in books, of grief, about grief or experienced by anyone the same.

Please excuse the long winded grammatically incorrect sentence above. I only mean to tell you that all of the reading that I have done has not prepared me for the actual experience of grieving.

Today at a birthday party, some paramedics came in to order pizza. I froze up as if they were there for me. Just the memory of paramedics and the feeling that came with...

So there are bad days and worse to start.
Then there are a few good mixed in with the bad.
eventually it will be bad days mixed with good and you will find yourself adjusting to it but never ever just getting over it.

Stay strong come here often you help us as well...
HH

Dec 19, 2010
my first solo outing
by: jules

Colleen - I am sure too that it was Bruce urging you to go to the cricket - he really wanted to see that double century.

I believe that it is part of the grieving process that you have two steps forward and one backwards, so don't feel bad that today is not a good day - we all have them - today is not a good day for me either - 13 months today since John died, and I am feeling very weepy and alone.

Know that you can always come here and talk about how you are feeling, and we will understand and care.

remember - one breath, one step

Take care
jules

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