My firstborn adult child
Me and my son Lil Joey
I just recently lost my oldest son on March 26, 2012. He has been epileptic since he was 4 years old. The older he got the worse his seizures got. On that morning I checked to see if he was in his room cause he was going to a program daily just to keep from being home all day. Well I didnt see him so I closed his room door and did the normal things I would do. I went to work that afternoon sometime after 6 that evening I recieved a phone call that Lil Joey didnt come home from his program. That made me nervous that was very unusual for him not to come home first but it became even more unusual when he didnt answer his cell phone. I began to worry cause im thinking he had a seizure while coming home from his program. Once I got off work I went into his room and I didnt see him in there but as I was closing his door something said go back in there. So I did and stood in his room trying to figure out why I had to go back in there. Then I felt this pull to touch the middle of his bed and I felt his feet. I was so relieved thinking he came home and went to sleep but when I got around to the other side of his bed and turn his light his upper body was on the floor faced down. I went to reach for him and knew he was gone before I touched him but me being the mother I am I had to be sure so I put my hand under his shirt he was cold. I tried to pull him up from the floor and couldnt move him once I got on his back to try to turn him over I could hear myself arguing with God telling him if I turn him over I can do cpr. God was telling me that I shouldnt turn him over or I would remember him the way he was laying in the floor. I was so determined to turn him over that God yelled at me and said "Dont Turn Him Over" thats when I knew for sure that there was nothing I could do to save my baby even though he was 24 years old. Since he has been gone I have been struggling with accepting that he is no longer suffering now he is in a better place but still I want my son no matter what. All I feel is this deep sadness and cry daily cause I really miss his contagious smile and he way he would cheer me up when I was down. He was just so cheerful despite his illness he was always smiling. I have 3 other children and we are all struggling with his death cause it was just so unexpected. I dont know how Im going to go on without my son here I need this hole in my heart to be filled.