My firstborn adult child

by Tomeko
(Vineland, NJ)

Me and my son Lil Joey

Me and my son Lil Joey

I just recently lost my oldest son on March 26, 2012. He has been epileptic since he was 4 years old. The older he got the worse his seizures got. On that morning I checked to see if he was in his room cause he was going to a program daily just to keep from being home all day. Well I didnt see him so I closed his room door and did the normal things I would do. I went to work that afternoon sometime after 6 that evening I recieved a phone call that Lil Joey didnt come home from his program. That made me nervous that was very unusual for him not to come home first but it became even more unusual when he didnt answer his cell phone. I began to worry cause im thinking he had a seizure while coming home from his program. Once I got off work I went into his room and I didnt see him in there but as I was closing his door something said go back in there. So I did and stood in his room trying to figure out why I had to go back in there. Then I felt this pull to touch the middle of his bed and I felt his feet. I was so relieved thinking he came home and went to sleep but when I got around to the other side of his bed and turn his light his upper body was on the floor faced down. I went to reach for him and knew he was gone before I touched him but me being the mother I am I had to be sure so I put my hand under his shirt he was cold. I tried to pull him up from the floor and couldnt move him once I got on his back to try to turn him over I could hear myself arguing with God telling him if I turn him over I can do cpr. God was telling me that I shouldnt turn him over or I would remember him the way he was laying in the floor. I was so determined to turn him over that God yelled at me and said "Dont Turn Him Over" thats when I knew for sure that there was nothing I could do to save my baby even though he was 24 years old. Since he has been gone I have been struggling with accepting that he is no longer suffering now he is in a better place but still I want my son no matter what. All I feel is this deep sadness and cry daily cause I really miss his contagious smile and he way he would cheer me up when I was down. He was just so cheerful despite his illness he was always smiling. I have 3 other children and we are all struggling with his death cause it was just so unexpected. I dont know how Im going to go on without my son here I need this hole in my heart to be filled.

Comments for My firstborn adult child

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Jun 10, 2012
I understand
by: Phyllis Pickett

I lost my youngest son, chad, to alcol & drugs 6 mths ago, all I know is I ,like you, can hardley go on, he was 38 a graintruck driver, happy , helped everyone but himself, I will pray for you, I pray so hard for all of us Mothers, when will it help, Hugs Phyllis

May 17, 2012
A poem to help you; It has helped me.
by: Dylan's mom

Tomeko, I wanted you to have this poem because it has helped me along my journey. I have struggled very much to keep my life going too. My son Dylan was 27 when he died in March 2011, from a ruptured appendix through negligence. He was my only child. Most times my life doesn't even seem real. I cry all the time too because everything I was went with him. God only knows why this happened. I pray for your peace and for everyone who loses a precious child.

Love, Cindy

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not here to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you would not cry
The way you did today,

While thinking of the many things
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had too much to live for
And so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could re-live yesterday,
Even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked
through Heavens gates,
I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today for life on earth is past,
But here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
For today will always last,
and since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you take my loving hand
And share my home with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.

May 17, 2012
understanding your pain
by: Cathy

I am so sorry for your loss and i can understand the pain and agony you are going through. I too lost my 21yr old son Brandon he had a massive heart attack and just disappeared in a second . It is really so unbearable to let your child go , no matter how he was, he was a piece of your heart and when that is torn apart from you naturally there will be pain it will take a long time to accept that he is not coming back, my son did not do very well in studies but he was an angel and he had a beautiful smile and even though i have more children i just miss him like crazy, the hard part is not hearing their voice only a 'Mama' from him was enough to make me happy but that voice cannot be heard any more.I will pray for you, your son is an angel now looking over you. I call my son My Angel Brandon ,i have created a memorial website in his name dont know what else to do for him. Take care and god bless you.

May 17, 2012
I am so Sorry
by: carol,seans mom

Tomeko, I am so sorry for your loss. You guys look great in that picture! I lost my 24 year old son in November,2011. He died in his sleep. He did not wake up for work and our nightmare began. It has been six months. The pain,and sadness is worse. I still cry every day and I am filled with panic. Sean had plans for his life. He does not want to be dead. How does this happen? Why? I ask questions all the time,people say to try and stop because it is depressing me. I am on meds now just to get threw my once pretty happy life. I am 49 and I use to look forward to what life was to bring. Now all good is overshadowed by my hole in my heart. I loved him so much. He was the oldest of three and my only son. He was hansome and charasmatic,but not perfect. None of them are. But he was family oriented and loved his friends. He is missed by so many and honestly day to day I don't know how I get by. Work keeps me distracted. Stay strong. Go at this one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. Talk to him. I hope you have a support system. It does help. I hope you and the rest of us struggling parents find inner peace. After going threw something like this no one deserves it more. Peace to you and take care.

May 17, 2012
Lil Joey
by: Diane

I am so sorry for the loss of your child your Lil Joey. I too just lost my daughter in April and know how it is to have the greatest gift we have as mother's taken from us. Sometimes it just feels like you can't breath, It is said someday it will feel better and we will remember the good times. I hope it true for all the parents who have suffered this loss, we are a club of people so different no one else could understand unless they have walked in our shoes. Agin I am so sorry for your loss.

May 16, 2012
by: Debi M.

Tomeko - I am so sorry for the loss of your son Joey. What a wonderful picture of the two of you. I know that your heart hurts and pray that you find comfort and strength in the days ahead.

Debi M.

May 16, 2012
so sorry
by: Molly

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son, especially that you had to find him that way. What a devestating experience for you. My son quinn passed away July 2011 and I am lost and so alone. Quinn was my only child eveyday I cry and I feel that this is to be my life for as long as
God see's fit to keep me here. However every day I pray to him to take me to my son life really seems like it has no meaning or purpose. I have no other children, honestly I feel it still would make no difference you and I know I would still not want to lose any of my children. I mean all your kids are unique to you and you love them all as individuals so I suppose it would make no difference except that you have to live for them now even more than before and I am sure that your son would want that. He would want you to give all the love that you had for him and give it to his siblings. I am sure he would love to still be with you but now he is in no more pain and wouldn't want all of you to be in pain either. The best advice I have for you is to keep busy, talk to friends and people who will support you and remember him as the loving boy that he was so keep living in his example. I know I am saying all of this and for myself it is so hard to do but it is always easier to help someone in pain than to help yourself. I wish you peace and calm for your heart and your life.

May 16, 2012
Share your Grief
by: Brenda

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my son Cody on May 21, 2010. It has been so hard so I know what you are going through. I do pretty good holding up until May rolls around the it hits hard again. I wish no one would ever have to feel the pain that I feel but I know that I am not alone in my grief. Know that you too are not alone that I will pray for you and your family. That God will give you the strength you need to make it through this journey. A mother should never have to bury her child.

May 16, 2012
So Sorry
by: Cathy

Dear Tomeko,
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Joey. I lost my only son 4 months ago. He too died unexpectedly. The sadness comes like waves and I think the most important thing to remember is to not let those waves pull you out to sea. Your son Joey, like my Joshua were special gifts to us from God. They brought us love and joy and most of all memories. It's those memories that keep them alive in our hearts. I wish I could tell you when the hole in your hear will heal, but I can't. As I struggle to make sense of my own loss, I remind myself that this life is only temporary and we will see our loved ones again. I will pray for God's peace for you and your family. It is a peace which defies all understanding. Love and hugs to you.

May 16, 2012
Mama's Love
by: Rose L

Your pain touches my heart. That hole you feel is love. I know it doesn't feel like it now..but that is what it is. I, too lost a child last year. That hole doesn't fill up unless we open our heart to God. Once we let go and let God-He fills it with His love and the peace that will help us through this process we call grief.

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