My grandma, sister & brother
On September 6, 2008 my grandma passed away after a broken hip could not be repaired, due to her heart health. We took her home with the help of hospice, kept her medicated until she slipped away less than three weeks later. My grandma raised me after my parents divorced when I was eight years old. I also worked with her every day for ten years. She taught me to cook, clean and love. Giving me the skills to have a loving family of my own at the young age of sixteen.
I have now been married for 25 years. I was 40 years old when my grandma passed away and it is the hardest thing I have every gone through in my life. At just after the first year of grieving I was finally feeling a little bit lighter.. just a little. I could actually go a few days without feeling the enourmous weight on my heart.
Then my older sister, who was born with a heart defect and had outlived all of the medical science expectations, had a stroke. She never recovered and died in her home on March 3, 2010, just three days before her 45 birthday. So I knew what this whole grieving process was supposed to feel like at this point. I thought I knew what to expect. Except, the fact that I would need my grandma so very much to help me grieve my sister, and she was gone. But, the pain came and the grieving began.
Then just five weeks into my grieving process I walked in from work to a phone call. The local hospital was calling me to tell me that my brother had been in a motorcycle accident and that I needed to get there right away. I asked if he was dead but they wouldn't say.. all she would say is that it was really bad and that she was really sorry. I then called my nephews and asked that they meet me at my dads their grandpa's house.
When I arrived I realized I had to tell my dad that he had just lost another child, a child with whom he had been estranged from for several years. Plus I would have to tell three young adults that their dad was dead and they too had been estranged from their dad for a short period of time due to his drug use.
So we walked in my dads house I told them the phone call I had received and that I was pretty sure he was already dead but that we needed to get to the hospital. My husband drove us all there. We were met by a hospital social worker who lead us into a back room to wait for the doctor.
The young female physician came in and told us she had some bad news. She said, my brother had been driving too fast on a four lane road in Clovis when another vehicle turned into his path. My brother did brake, the brakes locked and he smashed into the vehicle. Dead on impact. She said he had major injuries from the waist down. Probably a shattered pelvis, open fractures to both legs.
CPR was performed at the scene and continued until he was pronounced at the hospital. I immediately went into adult mode.. stop his boys from feeling guilty about fighting with their dad, plan the service, clean out his house. Now the service had been complete. The house is cleaned out. His boys have continued on with their lives, going to school and such.
I am not exactly sure what I am feeling. I know I am having extreme anxiety. Saw my doctor last week. She wants to start me on something, long term antidepressant I am sure.. I asked for something a little more short term. Xanax or something just to relieve the fear I am feeling.
I feel like "what is going to happen next"? Like the boogie man is under my bed. Will this feeling go away.. Will I always have fear?