It all started in March of 2008, she was diagnosed with Lung Cancer; and she died August 24, 2008. I guess I never really believed there would be a day that I wouldn't be able to go to her.
It was a crazy 6 months in and out of the hospital, she would call me when she would start to feel something was wrong, and I would always drop what I was doing and try and make things better, by calling the doctor, taking her to the hospital. But it eventually got to the point that the last time she went to the hospital there wasn't much they could do. The doctors just kept saying she's a very sick lady but they were not giving up yet. She was only in the hospital 5 days.
Wednesday was the last time I actually spoke to her, I was leaving her room in the ICU and she just kept staring at me. I said "I Love you and I'll see you tomorrow". By the next day they had her somewhat sedated, with a tube down her throat (that she kept trying to pull out). It was the worst thing in the world I had ever seen. The tube was supposed to help her breathe easier, but it seemed to only make things worse.
My grandma was like my mother, she would always call me "her girl". And growing up, she would always ask me "Are you going to take care me when I'm old??" And of course I said yes. I would have done anything for her. I'm 35 years old, happily married with two sons, and I feel like a little girl who's been left completely alone.
My mom is my grandmother's daughter, unfortunately she and I are not as close as we could or should be. I love my mom, we're just not always on the same page. The connection I had with my grandmother was just so special and now not having her here is breaking my heart every day. Every moment I'm not busy, I think of her. Nothing makes me feel better; nothing seems to ease the constant loss I feel. I cry all the time. I just don't know how to accept this, I don't want to accept it, and I just want my Grandma back. Nobody in my family really says anything about her, which drives me crazy because I can't judge how everyone else is doing, not even my mom. I don't go see my grandfather as much as I should, because everything in the house reminds me of her. Everywhere I look she's there.
Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am to have had my grandmother for all these years, because many of my friends never even knew their grandparents, or lost them long ago. I know I should be grateful for that, but at the same time I've had her for 35 years and now she's gone. I want to stop crying and stop having this constant emptiness inside me, but at the same time if I stop I'm afraid I'll lose her more and I don't want that to happen. I feel stuck and very alone. I wish she would give me a sign or I wish something would happen to just comfort me, but nothing does.