My Grandma

by Michele
(New York)

It all started in March of 2008, she was diagnosed with Lung Cancer; and she died August 24, 2008. I guess I never really believed there would be a day that I wouldn't be able to go to her.

It was a crazy 6 months in and out of the hospital, she would call me when she would start to feel something was wrong, and I would always drop what I was doing and try and make things better, by calling the doctor, taking her to the hospital. But it eventually got to the point that the last time she went to the hospital there wasn't much they could do. The doctors just kept saying she's a very sick lady but they were not giving up yet. She was only in the hospital 5 days.

Wednesday was the last time I actually spoke to her, I was leaving her room in the ICU and she just kept staring at me. I said "I Love you and I'll see you tomorrow". By the next day they had her somewhat sedated, with a tube down her throat (that she kept trying to pull out). It was the worst thing in the world I had ever seen. The tube was supposed to help her breathe easier, but it seemed to only make things worse.

My grandma was like my mother, she would always call me "her girl". And growing up, she would always ask me "Are you going to take care me when I'm old??" And of course I said yes. I would have done anything for her. I'm 35 years old, happily married with two sons, and I feel like a little girl who's been left completely alone.

My mom is my grandmother's daughter, unfortunately she and I are not as close as we could or should be. I love my mom, we're just not always on the same page. The connection I had with my grandmother was just so special and now not having her here is breaking my heart every day. Every moment I'm not busy, I think of her. Nothing makes me feel better; nothing seems to ease the constant loss I feel. I cry all the time. I just don't know how to accept this, I don't want to accept it, and I just want my Grandma back. Nobody in my family really says anything about her, which drives me crazy because I can't judge how everyone else is doing, not even my mom. I don't go see my grandfather as much as I should, because everything in the house reminds me of her. Everywhere I look she's there.

Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am to have had my grandmother for all these years, because many of my friends never even knew their grandparents, or lost them long ago. I know I should be grateful for that, but at the same time I've had her for 35 years and now she's gone. I want to stop crying and stop having this constant emptiness inside me, but at the same time if I stop I'm afraid I'll lose her more and I don't want that to happen. I feel stuck and very alone. I wish she would give me a sign or I wish something would happen to just comfort me, but nothing does.

Comments for My Grandma

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Aug 24, 2014
Response to My Grandma and grieving.
by: Maria

I know exactly how you feel, and there is a world of grandchildren in your shoes who grieved and are still grieving for their grandma. My grandmother was more like a mother to me, especially since my mother was mentally unstable and would abuse and abandon us. The truth to grieving your grandmother is time. Only time. Nothing else truly helps - at least not for me. Prayer and support is comforting, but it s time that makes the grieving less. I'm 52 and my grandmother passed away when I was 32. I swore to myself I would be the mother to my children my grandmother was to me. Now I'm going to be a grandmother for the first time, and I want to be EXACTLY like my grandmother. You are a part of your grandmother, and she is a part of you, even in death - for true, unconditional love never dies. Never.

Jun 11, 2013
I feel you
by: Fionna

Hi There, I live on the other side of the world in Australia. And I just wanted to say, I feel exactly the same as you. My grandma passed away at 2.47 on Saturday afternoon on the 6th August 2011. It was the hardest day of my life. I struggle everyday the same as you. I cry and i feel lost without her. Like you she was also my mums mum and like you I was closer to her than my mum. My life feels empty without her and not quite normal. I would give anything to have her back. Last year someone broke into my house and stole the ring she left me. It was like losing her all over again. I feel your pain and understand your struggle. All I can say is this. In the days I feel deep profound sorrow before I go to sleep I ask my spirt to seek out my grandmas spirt and have a chat. I always wake up the next day feeling at peace. I know she's still there, somehow, somewhere. And I know while I was sleeping we had a long chat :) live to make her proud and the one other thing you can try is telling yourself. She would not want you to hurt and pine for her she would want you to live a happy life.

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