My Grandmother and My unborn child

by Anna
(Minnesota)

In June of 2011, the family got a call that my grandmother had stage 4 cancer. There was no warning, no signs or symptoms- just a slight back ache that she thought was from falling from a ladder a few months prior. In less than two weeks she was gone. The family was at her side her remaining days and she died in her home. My grandmother was a strong woman, I thought she would out live everyone and do so laughing it up because she was tough. In September following her death (July 7th, 2011) we found out I was pregnant. Everything went okay, except for the unual sickness that accompanied the pregnancy, but all looked well. I had four pregnancies before and four children to show for it. In November, I was 15 weeks along and went for pain to the ER, I found out my baby's heart stopped beating. It was my worst nightmare all over again. First, my grandmother, whom everyone expected to live forever (not just me), and now my child. This little child I had inside of me is dead. This child that is supposed to be safe and grow strong inside of me is dead. I had to deliver my child, but refused to have it sucked out of me, I had to deliver her whole.
I can not go get a filling done at the dentist because suddenly I have a panic attack, I can not be left anywhere without a vehicle because I suddenly have a panic attack, I can not talk about this stuff with any one because I start to cry. I work with babies for my job right now, and this is cathartic and at the same time painful. I love being able to hold the babies and cuddle them and care for them as it fills a place and a hope I held- but at the same time, part of my heart is angry, jealous and hurt. Not at their existance, but at the fact that my baby is gone. She was supposed to be born Mother's Day this year. Mother's Day is going to really suck for me. I wont be able to think of all the good about the day- just that my baby was supposed to be born. A woman came to my work, pregnant and due in May. All I could see when I looked at her was that is how big I would be, that is when I was supposed to be due, and then I went into the bathroom and cried. Just when I think that I am doing good (or rather trying to push it all out of my mind) something happens and I either feel anxious or I cry. My grandmother helped my parents raise us kids- not because my parents were incapable, but because my mom was in college and my dad is an OTR truck driver- and they needed her sometimes. I sometimes feel like she is with me, or that I see her in strange places- but she disappears- like at the store- I see her dart down an asile a few away from where I am- but when I go to look right away- no one at all is in the asile. I have my daughter's ashes at home, it was too expensive to have a burial, and I did not want the hospital to throw her ashes on top of all the other dead babies in a mass grave- so we got a keepsake urn, and her ashes easily fit inside there, and of course we named and baptized her at birth.
I am freaked out there is something wrong wth me, and that is why she died. I had a clot in my leg after the surgery- as I had to have surgery to remove the placenta, and to stop the heavy bleeding. I feel like I am being punnished, but for what? I am ultra sensitive, and I realize that other people have gone through this, but I am not them, I have never experienced this until now. Right before my grandmother- roughly about a year we lost my fiancee's father, and my uncle/ godfather (he was both my father's brother and at my baptism declared my godfather- he fell asleep at the wheel and died instantly upon impact. Lucky he did not hit another person...and this was a medical condition that made him slip into sleep. I also found out that my friend from high school whom I saw a few years ago- killed himself- things happened and I somehow feel a little responsible as he was going through stuff with his estranged wife and had two kids, she did not understand that we were only high school friends (he was friends with my two sisters and I through band as both sisters were in band) and he was not happy about their seperation- he took it to heart, fought to win her back, she finalized the divorce, he moved to Arizona and worked with the prison system and killed himself with his service gun.
It is so much death I feel like it is like a perfume I reak of.
Grandma and my baby are by far the hardest of all this that has happened in the last two years. I dont know what my life will be without them. She had tumors everywhere including her brain. My daughter chromosomal study was "normal". I have no logical reason for her death.

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