My grandmother is dying

by Krista

My Noni and I

My Noni and I

My Noni has been in and out of the hospital for a month now. She goes in because she has trouble breathing then gets sent to a rehab center, then goes right back in. It's circular, and she's fading fast. She says she's not ready to let herself die naturally because she says she's not suffering. Her idea of suffering is someone writhing in pain...our whole family is at a loss. Obviously we want her with us, but she's always hooked up to a huge mask wrapped around her head to give her oxygen and she can't walk. She can't do anything, but she's convinced that she'll get strong enough to go home. We've told her that this is going to be a repetitive thing, and we have nowhere to go but down. My mother is a nurse and she's been very soft but real with her. My grandmother still talks about how she's so excited to go home. She's excited for home cooked food, etc. We've been bringing her food because she hates the hospital food (she's Italian, and boy, is she picky! ;) )

I'm starting graduate school on Monday, so I won't be around all the time to spend time with her. I feel sister is getting married in October and we know that if my Noni lives until then she won't be able to make the 3 hour trip. We've decided that we'll hook up Skype so she can see my sister on her special day. I feel bad but...I'm jealous. I know it's selfish, but she gets to see my sister get married, and I'm not even in a relationship. She's going to die not knowing who I'm going to be with, and she won't get to see me get my PhD. She made it to my sister's undergrad graduation, but she couldn't make it to mine because she was sick. Of course I understood. I told her that I wanted her to know that if she didn't feel strong she shouldn't come. I would be home the next day. But...I just want her to see me graduate. If she sees my sister get married...and I'm all alone. I want her to know that I'm not going to be alone forever. That's selfish...I know. I feel bad about it, but isn't that natural??

I'm bringing her macaroni and cheese tomorrow, and every day it's harder. I don't know what to say when I'm there. I know that when school starts Monday I'll have more to talk to her about - she likes it when we talk, it's hard for her to (it tires her out). But for now...what do I say? I almost feel uncomfortable. How do I deal with her passing? I know I'm slightly in denial because I don't get too upset about it. My family does, but I don't. I'm over thinking things and convincing myself it's not that serious. I'm intellectualizing things...thinking about it in a cold fashion. Medically. Not emotionally. This is the first time I've written about it emotionally. I usually try to avoid any type of feeling...pretend it's not happening.

How do I do this?????????

Comments for My grandmother is dying

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Aug 27, 2012
My grandmother is dying
by: Doreen U.K.

Krista, We are all a little selfish. You are still young so will perhaps be more focused on what you want out of life, and how you want life to work for you.
Sadly we don't get all we want from life and when we do it comes with strings attached. We are given life. and part of this package is that we die. We just don't know when. We carry on living as we do thinking this will be forever. It is only when faced with difficulties that we are forced into thinking about all the "What if's". My husband died 4 months ago and I am heartbroken and wished I didn't have to watch him die slowly over 3yrs. I wished that he was still living so I am not facing life all alone. This is normal, and not selfish. What is selfish is when our attitude is all about US. Be happy for your sister getting married and your Noni seeing this even if you feel jealous that you may not get this opportunity. I wish my husband could have lived to see his 2 baby grandchildren grow up. I wish my husband got to enjoy the house he built up. He died before it was fully finished. It is hard and painfull to still want such things in life we can't have. Even if it is for the right reasons. You still have a lot of growing up to do so you will get there. It is what we learn in life and from life that shapes us into who we are. I hope you get to have all the things you want out of life and that you have the good memories to back this up. Being surrounded by loving people who will also keep you down to earth and grounded, and make a difference in your life. It is good you are spending time with your Noni. Don't worry too much about what to say. JUST BEING THERE IN HER PRESENCE SPEAKS VOLUMES. You can't imagaine how you will feel when your Noni passes away. Grief is painfull. Not something we can imagine. Don't worry about how you will feel before time. Just enjoy all the golden moments. None of us knows how we will react when we lose our loved one. Grief is different for everyone.

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