My grandmother is dying
My Noni and I
My Noni has been in and out of the hospital for a month now. She goes in because she has trouble breathing then gets sent to a rehab center, then goes right back in. It's circular, and she's fading fast. She says she's not ready to let herself die naturally because she says she's not suffering. Her idea of suffering is someone writhing in pain...our whole family is at a loss. Obviously we want her with us, but she's always hooked up to a huge mask wrapped around her head to give her oxygen and she can't walk. She can't do anything, but she's convinced that she'll get strong enough to go home. We've told her that this is going to be a repetitive thing, and we have nowhere to go but down. My mother is a nurse and she's been very soft but real with her. My grandmother still talks about how she's so excited to go home. She's excited for home cooked food, etc. We've been bringing her food because she hates the hospital food (she's Italian, and boy, is she picky! ;) )
I'm starting graduate school on Monday, so I won't be around all the time to spend time with her. I feel guilty...my sister is getting married in October and we know that if my Noni lives until then she won't be able to make the 3 hour trip. We've decided that we'll hook up Skype so she can see my sister on her special day. I feel bad but...I'm jealous. I know it's selfish, but she gets to see my sister get married, and I'm not even in a relationship. She's going to die not knowing who I'm going to be with, and she won't get to see me get my PhD. She made it to my sister's undergrad graduation, but she couldn't make it to mine because she was sick. Of course I understood. I told her that I wanted her to know that if she didn't feel strong she shouldn't come. I would be home the next day. But...I just want her to see me graduate. If she sees my sister get married...and I'm all alone. I want her to know that I'm not going to be alone forever. That's selfish...I know. I feel bad about it, but isn't that natural??
I'm bringing her macaroni and cheese tomorrow, and every day it's harder. I don't know what to say when I'm there. I know that when school starts Monday I'll have more to talk to her about - she likes it when we talk, it's hard for her to (it tires her out). But for now...what do I say? I almost feel uncomfortable. How do I deal with her passing? I know I'm slightly in denial because I don't get too upset about it. My family does, but I don't. I'm over thinking things and convincing myself it's not that serious. I'm intellectualizing things...thinking about it in a cold fashion. Medically. Not emotionally. This is the first time I've written about it emotionally. I usually try to avoid any type of feeling...pretend it's not happening.
How do I do this?????????