My grandpa, my soul !

by Alesia

A month before he died

A month before he died

He was 75 years old and shared the same birthday date and month with me. We were both born on 15th march. And I'm 15 btw.
It was Monday,14th October 2013 (Bayram Day ), which is around 2 weeks ago and I was at school. After the third class my uncle came to my school to pick me up. I asked what the matter was. He looked away and I quickly understood it wasn't going to be a good news! The smile upon my face vanished when he said '' Grandpa Gezim left us '' It felt like the world crushed on me, like i was holding the heaviest weight ! Bursting into tears, and without moving at all I didnt know what to do. I hadnt recovered myself from the shock. My uncle hugged me tightly and told me not to cry. He went upstairs where my classroom was and took my school back. He came back and we got in the car. I kept crying without stopping and I dont even remember what I was thinking at the moment. Trying to console me with the fact that my grandpa died peacefully didn't work.
I stopped crying a few seconds as I felt like I was out of this reality, like it was a nightmare or something. But then I came to realize that there was nothing I could do. That was the worst, that I couldn't have him back. After the ride we arrived at my home and as climbing the stairs i saw the shell of the coffin outside and started crying and shouting out loud. I just didn't care for anything else ! I opened the door and my mum and others hugged me. They told me that :
''He woke up around 8 in the morning, drank a drink , and when we thought he went to sleep, he died in fact. ''
It hit me so hard, it crushed me completely. He was afraid of death, he wanted to live, and had the spirit of a 20-year-old boy.Then the brought his body in the room, inside a coffin. It was so much that I couldnt handle it. He was pale and cold. The thought that I'd never hug him again was to scary.
The next day we would bury him. He would be locked inside that coffin forever and ever, he couldnt see me nor hug me nor kiss me nor love me as he did nor play chess with me nor watch movies nor... Ugh! It happened so fast. I hugged him so tightly before they buried him. He was cold, but I didn't care. I didn't want to let go of him! Never! I cried for days and I still keep crying whenever I remember him.
I can't just live in this reality. I wish so much to have him back, even for 1 day only. I'd be with him all day and I'd do everything for this opportunity. I don't know how to wake up in the morning and only kiss my grandma while his bed is empty. I dont know how to go to bed without giving him a hug. I don't how to play chess if hes not my opponent. I don't know how to eat chocolates without giving him some. I don't how to breathe if he doesn't breathe either ! I just miss him so much and seems like a road with no way out. I recall the memories and it tears me apart, my chest burns and i find it hard to breathe. I wanna cry hard, I want the world to listen to me.
Many of you understand me, but i feel like Im the only one experiencing this. I don't know how to keep going anymore. Life seems empty and useless. Oh, how I'd wish to hug him for the last time ! I've seen him in dreams and hugged him there but it's not the same. I keep telling myself its no use, but my heart keeps thinking on its own and tries to give me hope in having him back alive. I remember everything from the past when he'd take me out to the park when i was little, he'd buy me everything I wanted, he's massage my feet when I was tired. The day before he died, he told his friends that you won't see me tomorrow . If he told me i swear I'd never let him die. I'd do everything ! Now he's in a better place maybe, but Im selfish and I want him here! I can't deal with the pain anymore. And I don't seem to find any solution. Oh god How do I live without him in my life? He wasn't just my grandpa, he was a part of me. He saw me grow and said I want to live a few more years just to see Alesia grow up. But he couldn't!

Comments for My grandpa, my soul !

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Nov 10, 2013
My grandpa, my soul!
by: Doreen UK

Alesia I think we will be crying off and on for many months or years, because Healing is such a slow process. You have had such a deep bond and relationship with your grandpa that has left you in despair. It has been 18 months for me since I lost my husband and I think of him more. I miss him more. I feel my grief more now than at the beginning. Often we can become stuck in our grief and unable to move forward and this is when the support of a good grief counsellor can be beneficial when we are struggling with our grief. There are no easy answers to recovering from grief. All I know is that we do recover. there is no time frame for this as we are all individuals with different life experiences. but we live in HOPE of recovery. I still take one day at a time. I can't look even one week ahead. When someone leaves their footprint on our heart it is not easy to recover from this loss. But keep HOPE ALIVE. I also do have many bad days of loneliness. I also have many dreams of my husband even after 18 months. I look to God for my Comfort when life gets difficult. This is all I can do. I wish you easier days ahead.

Nov 09, 2013
Dear doren Uk
by: Author

Well, crying doesn't seem to be healing me. I'm getting sadder and sadder as days go by, wondering what is this? I saw some pictures of him and there, I cried again, and I couldn't stop! But yet, thank you for your support. Much love

Nov 05, 2013
My grandpa, my soul!
by: Doreen UK

Alesia I am sorry for your loss of your grandpa. This is how we all feel when we lose a close loved one from our family.
You get through life ONE DAY AT A TIME. Don't look too far ahead or you will miss him more. Just one day at a time is how we all get through our sorrow. Grief has a pattern we go through and heal each time we cry.
It is hard imagining our world without our loved one in it. this is the hardest battle we will ever have to face in life, is when someone dies. It is a reality and we have to find a way to cope, as best as we can. Just don't bottle up your feelings. Express them to someone or keep a journal and write out all your hurt feelings. This way you get it out of your system and will start to feel better each day. Healing does take place from grief, but it is a slow process.

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