My grandpa, my soul !
A month before he died
He was 75 years old and shared the same birthday date and month with me. We were both born on 15th march. And I'm 15 btw.
It was Monday,14th October 2013 (Bayram Day ), which is around 2 weeks ago and I was at school. After the third class my uncle came to my school to pick me up. I asked what the matter was. He looked away and I quickly understood it wasn't going to be a good news! The smile upon my face vanished when he said '' Grandpa Gezim left us '' It felt like the world crushed on me, like i was holding the heaviest weight ! Bursting into tears, and without moving at all I didnt know what to do. I hadnt recovered myself from the shock. My uncle hugged me tightly and told me not to cry. He went upstairs where my classroom was and took my school back. He came back and we got in the car. I kept crying without stopping and I dont even remember what I was thinking at the moment. Trying to console me with the fact that my grandpa died peacefully didn't work.
I stopped crying a few seconds as I felt like I was out of this reality, like it was a nightmare or something. But then I came to realize that there was nothing I could do. That was the worst, that I couldn't have him back. After the ride we arrived at my home and as climbing the stairs i saw the shell of the coffin outside and started crying and shouting out loud. I just didn't care for anything else ! I opened the door and my mum and others hugged me. They told me that :
''He woke up around 8 in the morning, drank a drink , and when we thought he went to sleep, he died in fact. ''
It hit me so hard, it crushed me completely. He was afraid of death, he wanted to live, and had the spirit of a 20-year-old boy.Then the brought his body in the room, inside a coffin. It was so much that I couldnt handle it. He was pale and cold. The thought that I'd never hug him again was to scary.
The next day we would bury him. He would be locked inside that coffin forever and ever, he couldnt see me nor hug me nor kiss me nor love me as he did nor play chess with me nor watch movies nor... Ugh! It happened so fast. I hugged him so tightly before they buried him. He was cold, but I didn't care. I didn't want to let go of him! Never! I cried for days and I still keep crying whenever I remember him.
I can't just live in this reality. I wish so much to have him back, even for 1 day only. I'd be with him all day and I'd do everything for this opportunity. I don't know how to wake up in the morning and only kiss my grandma while his bed is empty. I dont know how to go to bed without giving him a hug. I don't how to play chess if hes not my opponent. I don't know how to eat chocolates without giving him some. I don't how to breathe if he doesn't breathe either ! I just miss him so much and seems like a road with no way out. I recall the memories and it tears me apart, my chest burns and i find it hard to breathe. I wanna cry hard, I want the world to listen to me.
Many of you understand me, but i feel like Im the only one experiencing this. I don't know how to keep going anymore. Life seems empty and useless. Oh, how I'd wish to hug him for the last time ! I've seen him in dreams and hugged him there but it's not the same. I keep telling myself its no use, but my heart keeps thinking on its own and tries to give me hope in having him back alive. I remember everything from the past when he'd take me out to the park when i was little, he'd buy me everything I wanted, he's massage my feet when I was tired. The day before he died, he told his friends that you won't see me tomorrow . If he told me i swear I'd never let him die. I'd do everything ! Now he's in a better place maybe, but Im selfish and I want him here! I can't deal with the pain anymore. And I don't seem to find any solution. Oh god How do I live without him in my life? He wasn't just my grandpa, he was a part of me. He saw me grow and said I want to live a few more years just to see Alesia grow up. But he couldn't!