MY GRANNY, MY EVERYTHING
I lost my Granny on 28th January 2009, the worst day of my life, I was 33 years old. We had just celebrated my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary on 18 December 2008, they were soulmates. I am only child and only grandchild and they doted on me, I worshipped them, I would never let myself think that anything could happen to them. We celebrated Christmas that year, my parents, partner, and my two children, her Great Grandchildren they were 7yrs old and 9 months. I had been ill with the flu and because my Granny had a weak heart I only spent Christmas day with her because of her age and I did not want to make her ill. She turned 80 on 16 January 2009, we had a party and she spent it with her family and the people that loved her most. She went home with her husband my Pop the next day and that was the last time I spoke to her. My parents were going abroad for 6 months and they stayed with her 4 days before she died, she was not great but they thought it was a cold, and she assured them she was fine, my mum is an only child and if they thought she was not in good health they never would have left, she hid it from us all. She did not like me to call her when she was sick so mum said not to phone, why, why, why did I not call her, the outcome could have been so totally different. She had been in bed for days with, it turns out, pneumonia and she would not allow my Pop to phone my mum or doctor and when he did phone the doctor she wanted to admit my Granny but she said no, the doctor said if she was not better the next day she was going to hospital, she died that night, in her house in her own bed.
I got a phone call at 3.10am on the morning of 28th January 2009 from my mum, I just remember saying to my partner "there is something wrong" he said don't worry, I said its my granny he said don't be silly. It was my mum and I knew, I just knew, I dropped the phone and screamed,cried, and have still to this day not got over it. I firmly believe I caused her death and will never forgive myself for it. I miss her everyday, my youngest daughter doesn't remember her and it kills me because she was the most caring, loving, generous, helpful human being I have ever know, along with my Pop, who turns 90 next month and I thank god we still have him. I have to prepare myself for him going but I cant.
The funeral was horrible.
I don't know if I will ever get over her death, I can't move past it, I don't know how to. She is in my thoughts every day, people say it should be easier by now but its not.