by Nikki

I lost my Granny on 28th January 2009, the worst day of my life, I was 33 years old. We had just celebrated my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary on 18 December 2008, they were soulmates. I am only child and only grandchild and they doted on me, I worshipped them, I would never let myself think that anything could happen to them. We celebrated Christmas that year, my parents, partner, and my two children, her Great Grandchildren they were 7yrs old and 9 months. I had been ill with the flu and because my Granny had a weak heart I only spent Christmas day with her because of her age and I did not want to make her ill. She turned 80 on 16 January 2009, we had a party and she spent it with her family and the people that loved her most. She went home with her husband my Pop the next day and that was the last time I spoke to her. My parents were going abroad for 6 months and they stayed with her 4 days before she died, she was not great but they thought it was a cold, and she assured them she was fine, my mum is an only child and if they thought she was not in good health they never would have left, she hid it from us all. She did not like me to call her when she was sick so mum said not to phone, why, why, why did I not call her, the outcome could have been so totally different. She had been in bed for days with, it turns out, pneumonia and she would not allow my Pop to phone my mum or doctor and when he did phone the doctor she wanted to admit my Granny but she said no, the doctor said if she was not better the next day she was going to hospital, she died that night, in her house in her own bed.
I got a phone call at 3.10am on the morning of 28th January 2009 from my mum, I just remember saying to my partner "there is something wrong" he said don't worry, I said its my granny he said don't be silly. It was my mum and I knew, I just knew, I dropped the phone and screamed,cried, and have still to this day not got over it. I firmly believe I caused her death and will never forgive myself for it. I miss her everyday, my youngest daughter doesn't remember her and it kills me because she was the most caring, loving, generous, helpful human being I have ever know, along with my Pop, who turns 90 next month and I thank god we still have him. I have to prepare myself for him going but I cant.
The funeral was horrible.
I don't know if I will ever get over her death, I can't move past it, I don't know how to. She is in my thoughts every day, people say it should be easier by now but its not.


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Jan 26, 2014
by: Doreen UK

Nikki I am sorry for your loss of your granny. She reached a lovely old age. My husband died of cancer 20 months ago at the age of 65yrs. I prayed to God for my husband to at least reach the age of 80 when both his parent's died in their 80's and the remaining 2 brother's approaching this age. He was the first to die. I know it is human nature to want more years with our loved one's but if my husband enjoyed some retirement years I would have been happier. He was denied this.
My father is 92yrs. and living in a care home with no quality of life and wishes he died when my mum died 10yrs ago. He doesn't want to be here. He is suffering physically and emotionally. But we don't get what we want in this life.
It sounds as if your granny knew what she wanted and said so. If she didn't want you to trouble her when she was ill. What you did was to respect her wishes. If you defied this request you would have disrespected her wishes. You obeyed and she died and this is what you can't get past. Holding on to her life a bit longer. You have internalised this and blame yourself and so you can't get past her death which was 4yrs. ago and you say you don't know how to. You need to see a grief counsellor and talk out all your feelings. Otherwise it will trip up into other relationships and you will have more problems. You may just need some professional help here to explore your loss. You will come through it and you will heal and be able to move forward. YOU ARE STUCK IN GRIEF, and GUILT, and still so hurt that you can't move on. You are not responsible for your granny's death. When someone is ill especially elderly, they don't want people around them. They want to be left alone. When my husband was dying of cancer. I had 3yrs. to care for him and had to learn fast what his needs were. How I could meet them, and when to give him space on his own as he became irritable with me or anyone around him when he wanted to be alone. These are boundaries that have to be respected. Often we have to be reasonable with ourselves. Your mother and your grandfather knew your granny did not like to be disturbed and said so. You do need to hear this emphasised. You have internalised the wrong message that you are to blame and this needs to be undone so you internalise the right message that You are not to blame. Only when you believe this will you start to Heal.

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