My greatest teacher and friend...Brownie
I lost Brownie 4 days ago- buried him in the deep woods he loved . The mouth tumor was back, but as of last night the vet said we’d do another operation early Wed-there was nothing else to do...that, or nothing he said (which meant it kept growing at the rapid speed it was, bleeding, smelling putrid and sapping Brownie’s energy....) Or maybe he meant what actually happened...he put him to sleep for good, after the first anesthetic shot for the operation, when he could see in Brownie’s mouth, and it was pretty awful- two or three teeth rotting, a horrible ulcer/growth on the outside of the gum and inside on the roof of the mouth. The vet said it was worse than 2 months ago when we did the first operation that seemed miraculous and gave Brownie 2 very happy and bouncy months. He said he felt this operation would only give him 4 weeks, and not as good as the last...so there was nothing to do...
I’ve never put an animal to its final rest....it was painless and easy for him. I feel dead, devastated, sad and empty, unbelieving....and definitely the curtain dropping on an empty stage of no more reason or life here in Salviac. It’s been coming, I knew it, but this second time I hoped against hope and decided on the operation because I couldn’t let him go, I couldn’t do it- he still had so much life, and just Sunday we had done a big happy walk, and he had eaten dinner with gusto....He waited till I got back from the UK and that was only last Sat night- today a week later, he’s gone.
I am in such pain-I can hardly stand it. I was trying to prepare myself as I saw him aging and becoming less than he had been...Hard of hearing- I could no longer call him back-he didn’t hear me; cataracts- he had difficulty in the half light, and seeing down the stairs....... Then, he would adapt, and it seemed like all was normal; he was so light about everything- never a complaint.
The fatal morning happened so fast- I never had the chance to say ‘good bye’....he was given the anesthesia for the upcoming operation- it was early in the morning; I had hurried to get to the vet’s with him...He had not had dinner the night before because of the upcoming operation, and the day before, he did have a fever, and was withdrawn, did not want to eat during the day. But as we went to the vet Tues. night, he showed interest in the car again, his temperature went down and he wanted dinner when we returned....I cheated a bit and let him eat what had been down for breakfast, but he wanted his dinner, and never had it because we needed to prepare for the morning’s operation... that never happened..... once the vet saw the inside of his mouth.
I know it was the thing to do, but it all happened so fast- there was no choice when he (the vet) said “with the scrapping intervention he’ll only get a max of 4 weeks and not as nice as what he’s just had since the first operation.... I had to decide, and then he was gone. I cancelled my day and brought him home in a blanket, then buried him. He’s gone.
It’s horrible at home- I washed all his blankets and beddings as if he’s coming back some day...I had to; but I put away his basket, picked up his bowls, and didn't know what to do with the fresh food I made in honor of his coming home, feeling better like he did two months ago.
It’s so sad...so awful, and I feel so stupid/silly for having built such a life and love on him-he helped me through my separation/divorce 13 years ago. I adopted Brownie 13 + 1/2 years ago in Paris- I was married and happy, and then B. walked out 15 days later, and what a life saver Brownie became through 2/3 really hard years.
He was then with me through my hopeful 5 year love affair with a Frenchman, then that subsequent break-up and pain, and now, 5 years already on my own alone-just me with him.
And now that is over too, and there is no one to cry with or be there. I can’t really grasp it, believe it.
And where am I going now, alone, without my baby? No idea- I just hurt so much. Brownie was such a great teacher for me- I wrote about him in my first book 2 years ago...but today I don't know how I can live the amazing qualities he exemplified: joy, presence, acceptance, non-judgment, faith and trust. I would love to be the trusting, loving little soul he was, but feel so incapable.