My Grimmaw

by Meghan B
(Oklahoma)

It's been 2 and a half weeks since she has passed away. A week and two days since her memorial. I don't think it hit me until after her memorial, and now, I cry when I see her picture. I feel so depressed, like nothing can make me happy any longer. My boyfriend (whom I was falling in love with before this happened), my job (which I was devoted to), and my family. I feel so alone. Everyone around me is doing normal everyday stuff. I am having trouble just getting out of bed in the morning.

We found out that my grandma's cancer was back last year. She had been fighting it, but she just didn't want to fight anymore. She made the decision to not take anymore cancer medication. She just wanted to be out of pain. I was so surprised how much pain she was in. When hospice came, they gave her morphine. And they gave her so much, she would sleep all day, barely talk.. she didn't look like herself anymore. She deteriorated quickly, once she stopped taking the cancer medication.

It was on a Tuesday when my mom text me and said it was happening. I dropped everything at work and rushed the 30 minutes home. My grandma was in bed with 5 or 6 family members surrounding her. I was so angry at them for crowding her. She didn't like too many people being in her bedroom. My grandma was sitting up in bed. Her breathing was one of the worst sounds I have ever heard in my life. It scared me so much that it was coming from her. I knelt in front of my grandpa and held her hand. Squeezed it. I started crying so hard. I stood up and whispered in her ear, that she could go whenever she was ready.

Two hours after I got home, my grandma passed away. I wasn't in the room. I don't think I could have held myself together if I had been. The hospice nurse had everyone leave the room right at the end. She was praying to God, asking what she needed to do to help my grandma pass before my grandma had a heart attack, or a stroke due to the fluid in her lungs.

My grimmaw was waiting for everyone to leave the room before she passed. She didn't want anyone to see her go.

I am so sad right now, I don't know what to do with myself. This is the first time I have written out what happened, and, yes, I am bawling all over again. I want to know that everything in my life will be the same, but I know it won't. I want to know that I will feel again. For my job, my love, my life... I miss my grimmaw so much. I just wish I could tell her one more time that I love her so much.

Comments for My Grimmaw

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Sep 01, 2014
My Grimmaw
by: Doreen UK

Meghan it is early days and you are facing Raw Grief. This pain is so horrendous you may feel as if this pain will last forever. You wonder how you will get through the rest of your life. Everything will look so very grey at the moment. All the crying you will do is the best grief. You will start to feel better after each cry and you will start to heal. Don't compare yourself to anyone else who is grieving. The bond and relationship will be different for each of you. The best way forward is by TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is how I survived.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer 2yrs. ago. The cancer journey lasted 3yrs.39days and painful to watch my husband die slowly. He wanted to live. It must be so hard for the one dying knowing they won't see their family again or all their familiar haunts. Everything gone. It certainly helps one to re-evaluate one's life and put things into some perspective.
I could not function for 6 months. I took this time out to nurture myself back into life. If you try and build yourself up you will start to find that you will get your life back again. It will just take time.
I was just starting to build myself up. Going on the treadmill each day and building up my body. Losing weight and feeling good, then I bought a hair dye. I felt ill after this. This has lasted 3 weeks. I got a swollen face and eye closing and breathing difficulties. I have gone downhill fast. Unable to do the normal duties. I then had to be admitted to hospital for oxygen and a nebulizer session. I now have lung damage and having to undergo lung function tests. It is scary when you can't breathe. I had booked a holiday with my daughter to Antigua. Now I can't go due to my difficulty in walking and breathing. It makes me feel as if my life is over. I have another fighting challenge on my hands. There is a pattern to life. Getting knocked down and getting back up and doing it all over again. This is life.

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