My Grounding Force

by Lee Cottle
(Brownwood TX)

My mom isn't gone yet. She has just now told me that she has had cancer for over a year and chosen not to accept therapy. I don't know how I feel about this but I have to deal with it. It's her life and her decision.

I envy those who have brothers and sisters to help them through the tough times. I'm an only child and I have only myself to lean on. How do you deal with grief when you have to be strong for the person who is dying? How do you get through this when you're dying inside and still have to deal with the coming loss with strength and some kind of dignity because you don't want to let the dying person down yet again?

I've let her down so many times in my life and I can't do it now, not again. She has always been the grounding force in my life, the person I drew my strength from. Where will it come from now when I need it most?

I realize that I'm just feeling sorry for myself. She's to go home. She's old and tired and had to deal with too much pain in recent years as she's buried many of her younger siblings. My dad and my stepdad. A fiance'. Her best friend. Too much grief too close together, and many way too soon.

She told me that when she had to face the loss of my Aunt Ava, she just didn't care anymore and she doesn't want to live anymore, It hurts too much she says. But what about me and my children and all her nieces and nephews? Aren't we worth living for?