my grumpy old man, my wonderful dad

by Kika

My dad passed away on 24th May 2012 after a courageous, stubborn and typically bloody minded battle with liver failure. My dad was the most intelligent, brave and kind person I have ever known. I am honoured to have had him as father, there to provide an example of how determination and self belief can carry you far. He was so loved by so many people and that is a testament to how truly special he was and still is.

Dad was so brave throughout, showing concern for others above himself, even into his final days. I remember a childhood of being told wonderful stories, adventures exploring, singing over the tops of beer bottles in the garden and playing with dad's hair for hours. As I grew older I came to appreciate my dad even more, knowing that he would be the first to tell me that I was wrong but would support me regardless. I can still hear his voice saying ' I am proud of you, you know, very proud' and ' you are a high flier'

Dad and I could, and did spend hours and hours together, talking, debating or even sitting ignoring each other with our heads in books! We could argue dramatically and forget it in seconds, ending with me groaning at one of his awful and long winded jokes and eating chinese together- yuk sung and Singapore chow neon in particular.

There are too many things about my fantastic dad that I adored to put here. He was the best support, the most interesting companion and master of the cryptic quiz and obscure wordplay. Thank you dad, for all the love, care and comfort.

Dad, I miss you all the time, I always will. I carry you everywhere with me and I will never be able to eat a samosa, hear the moody blues/ the kinks/ mike old field , smell the smoke from a b and h cigarette, see a beautiful garden/ strange clock/ terry prattchett book or touch a beautiful, tactile object without yearning to share it with you. Enjoy being free now dad, explore the world unhindered and please visit me in my dreams.

Go with the wind dad, I love you.

Your kika xxxxx

Comments for my grumpy old man, my wonderful dad

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Dec 13, 2014
Miss you
by: Kika

Why are things so hard Dad? Why do we never get a break? I'm so fed up of coping with shit all the time. I wish you were here.

What if I don't want to be the strong one anymore? I know, I'm being pathetic and sorry for myself but I really could do with talking to you. I miss you dad, really badly. I wore the coat you bought me today. It felt good to put it on, even if it is too big. I love you dad. Xxxx

Sep 27, 2014
He did you proud
by: Kika

Your brother rang me today to say he had recieved compensation over your care. Not a lot but it's an admission of wrong doing never the less- that's what is important. He wanted to spilt it between the two of us kids but we think it's only fair he keeps some as a thank you.

We miss you dad, you are still so very loved. I put your last card up on my birthday. Best dad in the world. Xxx

Sep 15, 2014
I did well
by: Kika

I did well today Dad- or rather yesterday I guess now! Didn't get the job but I was very close! For such a big promotion I am happy with that - I know I performed well and came over well, I suppose I can't ask for more than that.

I wish I could ring you and we could talk it through dad. I think you would be proud of me. Thanks for your guidance and support dad. I love you very much.


Sep 09, 2014
Getting there
by: Kika

Things are on the up Dad. Thank you for any help you gave about that and keep it coming- a long way to go but the future is getting brighter. I still miss you very much. Your voice is still the one I try to follow when I need guidance. I love you DD. Best dad in the world, now, then and always xxxxxxx

Jul 23, 2014
Need you
by: Kika

I need your advice and love dad. Wish you were here, so much. I love you xxx

Jun 17, 2014
Miss you
by: Kika

I miss you dad, wish you were curled up on the sofa next to me with a book and whining about having to go outside to smoke. I still think of you all the time. Love you, best dad in the world xxx

Apr 20, 2014
by: Kika

Well the new house is more lovely than I would ever have imagined dad. I wish you could see it. Three gardens- you would have fun with those! I do miss you so much, it wasn't the same without you today, would have loved to have had a drink with you, nearly two years, 23 months in four days, it shouldn't still feel this raw. So many people still talk about you with love dad, I was very lucky to have you but I wish I had you for longer. Sleep well my grumpy old man xxx

Mar 26, 2014
New home
by: Kika

Hiya dad. So completition on Friday- eeeeeek! Please watch over us and keep your fingers crossed for us that everything goes smoothly and we get the keys early. Thank you for making it possible for us.

It's exciting but frightening too. I will be sad to leave this house in many ways, not least because I see you so clearly here. I miss you dad, so much still. I found one of your lighters today- see, you were right, my lighter thievery knows no bounds! Love you dad- so very much. Best dad in the world xxx

Jan 18, 2014
by: Kika

Hiya Dad, I hope you are watching over us. I need you so much. I miss you Dad, wish I could talk with you again. Need a dad hug! Love you xxxxx

Jan 01, 2014
Happy new year!
by: Kika

Happy 2014 Dad! I wrote a message to you with my sparkler- I hope you saw it wherever you are, hopefully on a beach in Antigua or somewhere not stuck in the rain like we are.

Christmas was good this year, a quiet one and busy but lovely nonetheless. We had our offer accepted on the house, land searches are in and survey appears reasonable. Morgage agreed so keep your fingers crossed for us! I think you would like it, we certainly love it, although there are too many gardens for my liking! You would love those. We have been running around manically trying to start de junking the house- still a long way to go! Seen as we haven't even got a date yet we are not packing yet, just trying to get rid of junk so that when we do get a date we can pack not sort if that makes sense.

We have really benefitted from this time together dad, it's made such a difference. I am feeling a lot more positive, learning to appreciate each other again you know? I love you dad, I still think of you every day and I always wear your pendant, thank you for giving me strength and courage. I always try to imagine your advice. I hope you heard us sing the pogues to you.

All my love kika xxxxxx

Nov 24, 2013
I need you
by: Kika

18 months now Dad and I need you more than ever. I can't turn to anyone like I could you. I need to talk to you so badly. I rang your phone today. Daft I know but sometimes talking to the disconnect msg helps, not this time though because your number has now been assigned to someone else! A Scottish man answered. Daft for it to upset me so much really but it has. I know they couldn't keep the number for ever, but it was yours and it's like another piece of you was taken away. At least he was obviously Scottish so I didn't slip into some wired universe and think he was you I guess. I wish he was.

Come and see me in my dreams Dad, I miss you xxx

Oct 24, 2013
17 months today
by: Kika

17 months already Dad. I think about you every day, you really are in my thoughts all the time. You really were the best Dad in the world. I wish so much we could have a proper conversation just one last time. I miss you Dad, I love you xxx

Sep 15, 2013
by: Kika

I've had a hectic few weeks dad, I've been having quite a few issues at work, I wish you were here to talk them through with. I miss you desperately. I keep hearing your voice in my head- 'high fliers get shot down' it's the only thing that I thought of while it was all going on. It's so hard in the run up to such a big birthday not to have you here. Good times and bad times are the hardest without you. Day to day is difficult but not as hard as the extremes. Does that make sense? I love you very much dad. It feels mad that I can't just pick up the phone to you when you are still such a big presence in my life. I can't believe it's 16 months. I know you were ready to go and I'm glad you are no longer in pain but I wasn't, and still am not, ready to lose my daddy. I love you dad xxxx

Aug 24, 2013
by: Kika

My holiday was beautiful dad, I thought of you a lot, in Palma cathedral particularly. I never thanked you properly after my last holiday. Thank you so much. I can see why you loved it as a city, amazing buildings. In the shops near the hotel I even bought a corkscrew- in Spanish. Made me think of your le corkscrew incident in France when I was little.

15 months today since you died, I still think about you all the time. If there is anything after death, and I know you thought there wasn't, I hope you know how much I love you and miss you still. It's so hard not being able to talk over experiences, problems and celebrations with you. I miss you so much, your love made me feel so safe, I don't feel like that anymore.

Mum and I went shopping for my 30 present and she bought me a beautiful ring, I brought the small one that fits round it as a present for myself from you. It's just a token but it felt right to have them together. I've put them away until my birthday.

I sat in the garden earlier and the wind blew directly on my face, I hope that was you showing you were near. I love you dad xxx

Jun 27, 2013
by: Kika

Thank you for everything dad. I love you and I miss you. I was told how like you I was again the other day. I love hearing that, I hope it's true, it's the best compliment I could have. Best dad in the world xx

May 26, 2013
A year
by: Kika

A year has gone so fast dad. The three of us decided to go out together to mark it, celebrate your life not morn your death. I thought I'd feel a sense of relief dad, at 'the year of firsts' being over. I don't. On the 25th it was the year since I had cleared out your room. The 28th will be a year since I registered your death and coming up soon will be my second father's day without you. We are ok dad, we are trying hard and there are good things in life but there is still a massive hole where you should be in our lives. I miss you dad, so much. It still feels too raw. You are too fresh in my mind to be dead, i feel like it can't possibly be over a year since we spoke as you are still so clear to me. I guess that you always will be dad, because I love you so very much. Sleep well dad, love you best dad in the world xxxx

May 11, 2013
Missing you
by: Kika

I went to your local today dad. Lovely to see everyone. I miss you so much though. I raised a glass to your plaque and I put a hydrangea on your first ashes resting place earlier today. This time it was one that I had planted in my garden. I knew you wouldd like that. I love you dad. Wish I could have a dad hug tonight. Xxxx

Apr 28, 2013
Happy birthday
by: Kika

Happy birthday dad. Thinking of you even more than usual. Love you xxxx

Apr 23, 2013
Garden growing and house hunting
by: Kika

We looked around some houses last weekend Dad, it was exciting but sad too. I never thought I'd be doing it without your expertise to fall back on. I also wanted just to tell you all about it. Like so many things Dad it's bitter sweet. We talked so much in your final years I feel like nothing ever really happens if I don't talk to you about it.

I have had the first of many hospital a ointments now. They are sending me off for loads more tests to try to sort out what the problem is. I'm just falling apart aren't I? It was very odd when they felt across my liver for enlargement... I found it really hard, it reminded me so much of going to your appts with you. Thank you for letting me come with you, it may not have been fun but at least I felt I could help somehow.

My garden is growing... You would be so shocked! I bunged in the tulips months late because the weather we have been having made it seem like winter and they are growing brilliantly. The gladioli are too. I have also put in Dutch iris and freesias and several shrubs. Shock horror! I feel so old getting into this! I don't think I will ever enjoy the process though so don't think you have won... I just like knowing that stuff is growing because of me. Very egotistical I know!

Heard one of your rubbish style jokes the other day that you would love: never take drugs on a campsite, you could be charged with intent to supply!

I miss you so much Dad. It's your birthday on Sunday. I know you wouldn't remember your last one as you were unconscious so at least your last proper b day was a good one, when we went out for jerk chicken.

I know I was blessed to have you, it's just I wish I had you still. I love you dad, so much xxxxxx

Apr 06, 2013
Ashes, your final resting place
by: Kika

Well dad you are free now. I can see why you wanted your ashes scattered there, it was beautiful. After weeks of snow and bitter wind the sun came out for us. I can see why you loved it so much, I can't think of a more tranquil place. We played your favourite songs and put flowers in the water after, I have some lovely pictures. I think it will be comforting to think of you there where you felt most at home, it felt right returning you back to nature.

You are so loved still dad and so special, I couldn't have asked for a better or more loving dad. I miss you so, so much. I'm glad that I could keep my promise to you. A scattered the ashes as you wished. I may have imagined it, but when the sun shone on me and the wind blew straight in my face afterwards i felt like you were saying that you approved. I do hope so, i wanted everything to be just right for you. I love you dad, now and always, your kika xxxxxxx
Remember- best dad in the world!

Mar 18, 2013
Help... I'm turning into you!
by: Kika

I had a half of Guinness for you for st Patrick's dad, it was horrid, don't know why you loved it so much! I really miss you, would have given anything to take you out for a drink yesterday.

I have my hospital appointment on 16th April dad, I'm worried. I hope they can do something. As you said is anyone in this family ever well?! Wish I could talk it through with you.

I find it so hard not having you here. I actually planted stuff in the garden Saturday and watched the rugby, I know you would approve of that. Mind you, I know that you would have told me that I was putting the bulbs in wrong and England were destroyed by Wales so you wouldn't have liked that! In fact you wouldn't have been happy at all- it was an embarrassing performance really but a fascinating game to watch.

We are finally going to finish your ashes on 6 th dad, I promised and I will. I will sing thank you for the days in my head and don't worry, I will check the wind direction!

Love you forever xxx

Dec 28, 2012
by: Kika

Christmas wasn't the same without you dad. I tried to be positive but it hurt so badly not hearing your voice ' merry Christmas darling' and not seeing you on boxing day, just little things like not bringing christmas left overs to you seemed so sad. There were so many presents I saw that would have been perfect for you, the precious stone mobiles and bookends. Typical when I struggled to find you presents when you were alive. I brought myself a beautiful purple oil burner from you for christmas. I think it's what you would of brought me. I woke up crying for you again this morning. It feels so impossible that a man as special as you, who touched so many lives could be gone. How can the glittery butterflies have stayed on your wall art when you aren't here anymore?

I was thinking your twenties are when you are supposed to get to know your dad as a Person not just as your relation... My twenties were spent trying to help with your illness not really finding out who you were. There is no one I can find that stuff out from now dad. I should have talked about your hoes and dreams and fears more, not your health over which you had no control. It is so sad.

I miss you so much, I hope you can feel that, that you know how much you are still loved. No one can ever compare to you dad. I even made your turkey jalfrezi yesterday! It was like going back in time with the first bite!

Sil2 and I talk of you daily dad, he loves you too and he is looking after me don't worry. I know I'm lucky to have him but nothing can fill the hole you left. I love you my daddy, enjoy being free, I hope you are completing cryptic cross words and eating toast and marmite with pints of tea and goon and tonics up there! Come and talk to me in my dreams please dad... Even just sit with me and mock my reading habits once more. Love you xxxxxx

Sep 27, 2012
My birthday
by: Anonymous

I missed you do much on Tuesday dad, I miss you everyday but Tuesday was especially hard. I put up the card you gave me last year. I love you so much dad, I hope your are enjoying being free. It is hard to look forward to a new year without you in it. Miss you so much my wonderful daddy xxx

Aug 18, 2012
Part one of your ashes
by: Kika

I scattered your ashes yesterday dad, they are now with your first son. We smoked a b and h for you before and after an I left a flower there for you tied with a yellow ribbon. I can't remember what they are called; I know I need to sort out this gardening knowledge thing... But I remember we used to have them in the garden when I was little. I will release the rest of your ashes over the river like you wanted I promise.

We put a plague up for you at the pub with your wiz name on, the regulars had paid for it. You are still so loved dad, you would be very proud to see it there, it looks beautiful. I am trying to do what you wanted dad, trying to keep making you proud. I how you know that. I had so many things that I wanted to say when I was scattering your ashes dad but I couldn't find the words. I hope that you are together again, I want to believe that you are and I will see you again someday. I love you so much and I miss you desperately. I will always be proud to have you as my dad. All my love, kika xxx

Aug 15, 2012
Thank you
by: Kika

Thank you, was your loss recent as well? I am trying really hard to find a positive future without dad but everything feels so lonely and painful at the moment. I really feel that the foundations that underpinned my life have crumbled. However dad was very proud of me being a strong woman so I am trying to live up to that and be as brave as he was. He set a high bar to live up to... In every respect he was a wonderful man, I am trying to feel great full for the time I had him not bitter that he is gone but I am so angry! Grrrrr! Hope you are doing ok? X

Aug 14, 2012
I'm soo sorry
by: Anonymous

God I'm sooo sorry and know how you feel xx

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