My Guardian Angel/My best Friend:

My father was 71 with a history of COPD/Emphysema. I had spoken with him on the phone Aug. 26, 2011. We talked for an hour and he said he felt fine. I got a phone call on the 27th, from a neighbor he wouldn't answer his door. I called him and he tells me he's having a bad day. I stopped by his house two hours later, I had a key and let myself in. Daddy was struggling to breathe and had his head tilted downward, but he was coherent and understanding everything I said and asked. He couldn't speak, but squeezed my hand to answer me. I got him some water and he sipped it. With him in his recliner, I sat at his feet begging his approval to call an ambulance. Each time I asked he squeezed my hand "no". I checked his pulse and it was 40. I should have known the end was near, but I did what my daddy wanted. When I asked if he was in pain, he told me no. He gently lifted his head to look at me and a tear rolled down his face. I wiped it away. Even though he saw me...I don't think he REALLY saw me, It was like he was looking straight through me. I took care of his dog that evening as he sat and watched. His dog was his life and I knew that was important to him. I tried to make daddy comfortable and explained I couldn't sit and watch him like that. He slightly nodded and gave my husband this look to get me out of the house. I gave him a hug, told him I loved him, and that I would be back first thing in the morning to check on him. On the 28th at 7am, I went back to let myself in daddy's, opened the door, and saw him sitting in his recliner, the same as when I left, with his dog in his lap. Daddy died 30 min to an hour after I left..he put his head down for a nap and didn't wake up. I feel so guilty, so heart broken..why didn't I just stay with him. I know I honored his wishes and I did what he wanted/hoped I would do. I just don't know how to forgive myself. I feel like I failed him, when he needed me most. I should have been there. He was my best friend, and with each passing day, I find it harder to go on. We talked almost every day. I miss his voice, I miss him, He was all that I had left. Now I have his dog, and it's a small part of him he's left me with. So we grieve together and just try to get through the days. Not a moment goes by I don't remember how it all came about. This memory I live with, my family doesn't want to hear it, I can't talk about it or share with them. This overwhelms all the happy memories. I can't get it out of my head. Maybe this release will help to ease my mind.

Comments for My Guardian Angel/My best Friend:

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Aug 27, 2013
Sorry for your loss
by: Anonymous

Sadly most of us don't know when it will happen... you were there, you honoured his wishes and you had no idea the end was so near.

He knew you loved him, he loved you, and I'm glad you have his precious dog to love and hug in rememberance of him.

Wishing you comfort and peace and healing on your grief journey.

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