My Hand of Cards
I try to forget, I try to put the memories in the back of my head, I have sat here reading other peoples memories trying to make me forget my own. That has always been my coping mechanism. I always wanted to hear everyone else's problems, just so I could forget my own.
It was October of 2001, either the weekend before or the weekend after Halloween, I'm not real sure. It was around 4 in the afternoon and I had just come in from riding the four wheeler to a neighbors Halloween party. My father and some friends pulled in the driveway and little did I know my life would change forever.
My father had been riding a horse that wasn't exactly broke. The horse reared up and my father fell off. The horse sat on top of him. It punctured a lung, his colon, and there were multiple other things that were damaged.
Before that day, my father was an alcoholic. He was not an abusive alcoholic, but all he did was drink. From the time the sun came up until the sun went down. My father quit working when I was young and my mother worked two jobs to support us. My father had cirrhosis of the liver. Due to the cirrhosis he was having seizures and his pancreas had stopped working.
With all of this against him, his time here on earth was cut short. My father passed on December 17, 2001. It was a hard time for all of us. My mother took it the hardest. My brothers and I continued our life as normal. I was graduating high school that June of 2002 and I was determined my emotions were not going to get in my way. I dealt as anyone would, loosing one parent.
In May of 2002 I was getting prepared for my senior prom. I knew my mother had a doctors appointment coming up, but I didn't think much of it. I was at my grandparents house when my mother called. She had news that she needed to share with us right away. (It was kind of a blur) She told me she had lung cancer and the doctors were admitting her to the hospital. My prom was that weekend and I had to visit my mother in the hospital before prom. She was released shortly after and chemo therapy began and radiation.
In November of 2002 my mother had a stroke and a brain tumor hemorrhage. When I arrived at the hospital, there was a doctor waiting to speak with me. My mother needed surgery to relieve the pressure on her brain. The doctors told me she would never be the same. My mother would learn to walk, talk, feed herself, but she would never be the same. He told me that she eventually would start to go down hill and she would pass. We had my mother moved to two different nursing homes and in March of 2003 she passed. She did just as the doctors had said she would. She learned to talk, eat, walk, but she began to go down hill. After her surgery you could tell she was unsure who eat one of her children were. She knew we were her children, she would just call her by the wrong name or get us mixed up with our in-laws. (she thought I was her daughter in-law) This was extremely hard for me to watch. I can remember sitting in her room sometime close to Christmas and crying. I remember her wiping my tear away and giving me a look (as to say don't be sad)
My dad died in 2001 and my mom in 2003. I am just now realizing the stages of grief. I mean I had read about them, but I didn't quite understand them. I started going to counseling today. I realized I was stuck being angry for about 9 or 10 years. I didn't feel anything but anger. I don't even really know who I was angry with. I have now entered into the depression and sadness. I haven't felt anything in so long that the sadness is overwhelming. I don't want to be stuck in this stage for 9 more years. I have a four year old son that I love more than anything in this world. When he was born he gave me meaning in this life. I now have met a wonderful man that maybe someday I will marry. I do not want to take all of this bad into a marriage. I want to be happy, trusting, and I most of all want to love wholeheartedly. Since losing my parents I have not given my self completely to anyone because I have been scared they would leave me in some way. I want to take that chance because I know holding back, I'm missing out on something wonderful.