My heart belongs to Daddy

I lost my father February 4, 2014. He was diagnosed with lung cancer just 7 days before his death. When he was admitted to the hospital they said the cancer was everywhere and it had spread too much to treat.

My father never liked going to the doctor and fought so hard to avoid it despite being terribly short of breath and losing so much weight. My father was painfully uncomfortable with the idea of taking care of himself.

I wish there was some way I could have made him go.

My dad was my hero. He saved my life literally. My mother has a mental illness and at the beginning of my life by default she was given custody. My dad fought for 2 years for full custody and anguished over what was happening to us the whole time. Once, my father pulled my twin sister and I out of the apartment when my mother had attempted to kill all three of us via by carbon monoxide poisoning.

My father was such a compassionate, intelligent and kind man. An entire community of people loved my dad. I was unaware of how many people my father took care of and protected until he died. After his death I learned that he protected his mother from elder abuse from her youngest son and supported her emotionally and financially in the midst of the death of an alcoholic parent and husband. All of these were closely guarded family secrets.

It feels like everything's changed. And I regret that my father sacrificed so much to take care of everyone else but himself.

I have my father's huge sense of responsibility. I tried going back to work right away because as a teacher I worried about taking care of my students. But the grief and anxiety was too difficult. It is hard to learn how to be different now. It is hard to understand what to do next without my father quietly taking care of it all and never complaining. I have this habit of doing the same thing - just taking care of everyone else and avoiding my own pain. Somehow I have to learn to be different.

I miss him so much.

Comments for My heart belongs to Daddy

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Mar 18, 2014
I'm lost without my Dad
by: Anonymous

My Dad passed away 7th feb 2014 from a short battle with lung cancer. I am lost, I keep thinking of his last week with us. I really miss and love my Dad. Not coping well :-(

Mar 04, 2014
I lost my daddy 2 weeks after lung cancer diagnoses
by: Melody

I completely understand how you feel. I lost my dad in August of 2013 from lung cancer. He survived for 2 weeks and 2 days. We had NO IDEA. Absolutely devastating. We brought him home for hospice as he hated hospitals. I have mixed feelings about hospice as well. He didn't seem to be in terrible pain, but they kept upping his morphine. We just didn't know enough about that to be comfortable with it. Looking back, I'm grateful he went quickly and didn't seem to suffer terribly, but being there with my mom & my son when he passed was very difficult. Our society doesn't see death up close and personal like that. Usually our loved ones pass in a hospital.
It's been 6 months now , and is a little better. Some days are ok and other days when you least expect it, it hits you hard and it all comes back again. I wish you comfort and peace. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to grieve .

Mar 03, 2014
I have just lost my Dad also
by: Anonymous

I buried my Dad February 4th and empathize with you. My Dad was a fighter but I believe he decided enough on my mums birthday and passed away. We are devastated but grateful no more pain. My heart goes out to you for now and the year or more we face. It's hard and I know it will get harder just to let you know your not alone xxx

Mar 01, 2014
My Strong Dad
by: Doreen UK

Dear Anonymous I am so sorry for your loss of your Dad in such a short time to cancer. this is such a distressing time for families who suffer the cancer journey which is so hard to bear. I nursed my husband for over 3yrs. with a terminal cancer and he died in a lot of pain, 21 months ago. The lack of medical support also adds to one's grief. The secret to coping is by taking one day at a time. You all as a family may benefit from grief counselling if you find yourselves struggling with grief. I am feeling the burden of the time it takes to heal from losing a loved one. Those first weeks are the worst ever and you all may feel as if you will be locked into this cycle of unbearable pain for ever, but taking one day at a time helps to put one's loss into some perspective. The bad days have to pass before it gets better. Healing is a slow process but when it starts you will all start to feel less pain. Don't give up Hope. You will get past this first stage of grief. It hurts so much and there is no medication one can take for this pain. Having a good support structure helps tremendously. as is taking one day at a time. This will help you all as a family.

Mar 01, 2014
My strong Dad.
by: Anonymous

My Dad died on Jan 6th this year. We found out in December 2013 he had terminal cancer. It was a complete shock. My Dad was on holiday with my Mum in November when he got pains in his side. On his return he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, he died six weeks later. My Dad fought to the end and suffered terribly, he didn`t want to give in to the pain. My Dad was 67, a much loved Dad, Granddad, Husband, Uncle, Friend, Brother, Son. He is so sadly missed. I can`t believe I will never see him again and my lovely Mum is so heart broken. I pray that he is at peace and we can in time move on. At this moment it doesn`t seem possible x

Mar 01, 2014
Heart Belongs to Daddy
by: Anonymous

Your story sounds much like my own. I lost my dad to lung cancer as well. We found out in August and he was gone from our lives forever in November. This was in 2012. My grief was unbearable. I am also a teacher and though it suppressed the pain temporarily, it always came back during my 20 minute drive home and then settled in to make for long sleepless night, just to turn around and do it all over again the next day. I made it through that summer by keeping busy, but once school started in the fall, I felt myself sinking again. I became suicidal and finally my superintendent and principal requested I see someone. Thank goodness I did. I was put on an antidepressant and spoke with a counselor several times. It wasn't until this Thanksgiving, 2013, that I finally felt as close to normal as I possibly could. I still miss him. I still cry. And he visits me in my dreams often, but the pain is bearable. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. You are not alone.


Deb Freeman

Feb 28, 2014
My heart belong to Daddy
by: Doreen UK

I am sorry for your loss of your father. Even if your father went to the doctors his lung cancer may not have been detected till it was too late. Apparently Lung cancer is the one cancer that goes undiagnosed as nothing shows up on the scans. My husband had an MRI scan in 2005 and it didn't show up his lung cancer till 2009. but his cancer would have been terminal as it was in the lining of the lung and took 40yrs. to develop by which time it would be incurable, inoperable, aggressive, and malignant. I was his caregiver for 3yrs.39 days and then he died 21 months ago. My husband was also one that never visited the doctor, but this time he was eager to go and we got the most devastating news ever. That was when my grief started.
Carers like your father just loved caring for other's and would not have put his needs first. It is just a way of life and it wouldn't have made him feel he was neglecting himself. Many people are just like this. Just make sure and not to neglect yourself. Spend each day building yourself up. When we have lost our support we have to nurture ourselves when no one else is here to do it for us. My husband had a very painful tough cancer battle and I would have wanted him to live and suffer the way he did. He is at peace now as is your father. WE have to somehow take one day at a time and try to get through our life. It is one of the hardest battles we will face now. We just find ourselves existing from one day to another, for some time. Perhaps one day things will change and we will get our motivation back to carry on living. You are young and one day your life will take on new meaning and you will make new memories, as we all must do in time. But it is still an awful journey through life now. I don't know if or when any of us will ever enjoy life again. We just tolerate each day. Grief just something to us and we can't be held accountable for how we feel. Grief did this to us and we have to figure out our life from here on. I hope you have better days ahead knowing you are not alone in your sorrow.

Feb 28, 2014
I'm sorry
by: Anonymous

I lost my father 14 months ago. I know how you feel and how you are suffering. Time will become your friend, and slowly you will be able to move forward with good memories to comfort you. I know my father would want me to live a beautiful life, and not be so sad anymore, but it is so hard. I miss him so much and I will never be the same, but I want to honor his spirit and his life and do the best I can. It is all any of us can do. I hope you find some comfort and peace in the days ahead. Barb

Feb 28, 2014
your dad
by: chickadee

Im so sorry to hear about your dad leaving you.
He is still with you, look for the signs and you will see.
I also lost my dad one year ago on 2nd March.In two days.
We can know our dads were the best in teaching us the correct way in life.
That's up to us if we follow their guidance.
My dad also had custody of us, my mum used to lock me in and go out when I was under five, a very selfish woman.
So much neglect in my life,my dad was out at work most of the time,but he truly showed me love when he was around.
He was my mum he did everything in his power to provide for us a hard working strong man.
I understand the feeling of a little lost girl because that's how I feel so sad he was always with us until he took ill in his older years.
I am now one year later knowing he wouldn't want me to still hurt so much every day the pain is still a big vast ache like an empty cloud in my heart.
All I know is that I will be with him again one day happy and still together.
I hope you get some comfort from understanding it is not our will the love will remain forever.
You will get through it day by day.

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