My Heart Feels Hollow After Dad Suddenly Died
The day after I got married in October 2012, I got the shattering news that my Dad had myeloma (a form of blood cancer). While the doctors were confident that his chemo was working, he really did seem so very ill, and just a few weeks later he had pneumonia causing a collapsed lung, followed by a stroke. We were told he wouldn't last the night - on a cold Monday six weeks ago.
Against all the odds he fought his way through and last week we got the news we'd all prayed for - he was due home today, 18th December. He was so excited to continue his chemo recovery at home (I live a couple of hours away from my parents so it's not easy to be there as often as I like).
Yesterday, at around 8pm, I got a phonecall from the ward sister at the hospital. The only words I remember her saying were 'Your dad...collapsed...couldn't save.....passed away'. My husband took the phone from me when I made a guttural howling noise. The nurse told him she couldn't reach anyone else in the family - they were all at various other commitments. For two hours I bore the awful truth before finally getting in touch with my Mum, who broke down instantly. When we got to the hospital around midnight, seeing him finally made me realise that it wasn't a mistake, no clerical error, my Dad really did just suddenly die. To make matters worse, the police were there because it was so sudden and unexplained. I kissed his forehead and told him that I loved him.
This was all only yesterday. The pain is like a thousand spikes stabbing at every inch of me. Every memory good and bad floods into my mind and hurts. He was meant to be coming home today, how could fate be so so cruel to tear that away? Because of the time of year and the 'unexplained' nature of his passing, we may need to wait until the new year to get answers/arrange a funeral. This is too much. I wish it wasn't Christmas next week, and I wish my Birthday soon after. I'm an only child and I can't face the prospect of months and months of this consuming pain.
I just wish I could understand why.