My Heart is not where my Home Is !

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Our Last Christmas Tree at Home

Our Last Christmas Tree at Home

At night the loneliness show's its bitter self. The darkness of night gives way to the sorrow I feel each night.
I don't understand this, the pain, the missing, the sorrow ~ again I don't understand how God can leave me and those of us the same as me in pain. To question God is not the teaching I was raised growing up, but as a adult, I keep asking myself why ....
So do I ask the church of so many this question of why?
I don't question my faith, only the lost I endure. I know there's no real answer but it's a question on my mind. I'm rambling and talking sideways at times but I don't understand, the tears I cry, my soul that's missing Billy so much at times it's painful.
It's the late night hours my thoughts come to me, the remembering of long ago days, my soul and heart missing him so much.
I sit and look around, each morning surprised that I'm still here and each night looking at my apartment, alone, the place of comfort that should be us, pictures and stuff here and there that would have been our place which now has become only mine.
I find no pleasure or satisfaction from my place here alone by myself. No one to show it to, to say "look what I did" or just "don't forget to take the trash out" because it's only me. I use to come home and say "Hi, Honey I'm Home". Sometimes I do say it but then it "oh ya, it's just me" and then sadness fills my heart. I can push it away at that moment because the light is still there but slowly, later that night as darkness comes each night I feel that sorrow and loneliness again bring me back to the fact that I'm here alone again.
I don't want to be here, I don't want to do this, why is all I keep asking myself as tears run down my cheeks as I type and give my emotions and feelings up to this site.
This site has saved my soul, given me friends of pain and sorrow and the only ones who truly understand where I'm at and where I'm going. I can speak my mind, voice my words of confusion, desperation and uncertainty of where I'm going.
Boy I'm really on the ropes this night. I'm finding as the holidays get closer this 2nd year the more turmoil I feel and the more I miss Billy.
I'm working to fill each moment of the day with things to do and places to go but the problem is when night comes I'm alone, I'm hurting, crying and my soul and heart is missing Billy again and again.
Where am I going? Where will I be tomorrow? So many questions, so little answers....
But I will keep going, and tomorrow is another step and I'll keep looking for the answers to help me move forward...
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

Comments for My Heart is not where my Home Is !

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Nov 12, 2011
by: Anonymous

As Im approuching the 2nd year of of the passing of my Husband Grife is hard to go through. I find myself down on my knees Praying alot it helps me soo much as I try very hard to tell my Friends how I feel they still dont understand how im feeling inside but God does and I want Healing and to move on to be happy again! But I will always have a place for my first Husband in my heart. Grife affects your Everyday life No matter how you @ it. It's always there. Im Thankful for this site as well as others cz people Understand.
As Thanksgiving is Approuching I'm soo Very Thankful for the God I serve And Hes Always there when I NEED him! And a Roof over my head We are A Very Blessed Nation! God Bless!AH

Nov 03, 2011
My heart is not where my home is
by: Mari

Hi Patricia. Bless your heart I sure can understand your feelings. My prayers are with you.
With the holidays approaching and the second year upon us, we feel the loss of our loved one but it is different then the first year.Now we are trying to learn how to cope and go on with life.
The second anniversary of my husband going to be with the Lord is the 22nt and my birthday, Nov 2oth which he loved to make a big deal out of is just another day.
The grandchildren still miss him so much too.
I just remmain terribly busy. I am not sure about putting up a tree.I find myself wanting to do it for Aubree who is going on 10 months and the other grandchildren.
My 13 yr old grandaughter spends weekends with me and that helps.
I realize nights can be terrible. I always listen to the song called ''Homesick'' by Mercy Me.
I miss my sweetheart so much. He would walk in and put his arms around me.This place feels huge.
We will make it somehow. Believe me God cares how we feel.
At this time I am taking classes in Fresno for my DSP certificate and working too. It is a great help to get my mind off things. Nothing is getting done here but the housework isn't going anywhere.Besides there is no one waiting for me here.I try not to think of that when driving home. But I do.
In some ways I am better. I work and take those classes so my mind has to be on the things I am learning.
Just remember that we are here for you Patricia.Let's see how things go and keep up the faith.

Nov 02, 2011
Not yet anyway


I finished with a 6 week grief meeting a week ago. I did not actually attend one until I was heading towards the two year mark. It will be 2 years Dec 6th since I lost My Love Francis P. Holt.

The final night One woman asked me is the 2nd year easier than the first? I wanted to tell her yes but the truth is during the 2nd year the shock is over and it is what it is and now we have to make this life work. Not that we like it any better, I am still lonely as hell missing him still. But I know in my heart there is not room for anyone else now and I try to make it more about who I have become and my independence.

When the roof is leaking and roofers are blowing you off. Not keeping their promises and over charging you to tarp the roof ($600?!!) Yet another caulks it for free and it is fixed until I pick a roofer.

I still do NOT like being the man of the house and I know I am now the Head of the house and many single women live this way, with no one to help them and they do just fine. We will too... it just takes time. The loneliness and feeling of being so damn empty will still be there yet, as our life takes over what was and no longer can be... I hope that we manage to find some contentment.

The 2nd year is harder. It is adjusting to the fact that the person that we can count on is...ourselves.

Nov 02, 2011
My Heart s not where my Home Is
by: Pat J

My husband has been gone only 4 months, yet sometimes it feels like so much longer. I miss him so much everyday. The nights for me are the worst. I seem to do fairly well just as long as I am going somewhere with friends, but then the reality sets in when I leave to come home again and he is not here to greet me. I also say. honey. I'm home or when I leave I say, are you going to come along with me. Anyone hearing me talk to my dead husband would think I have lost my mind. I didn't lose my mind, just a big part of me. My heart is still so broken and I still miss him so much.
Writing this the tears just keep coming, I can hardly see to print this. It's a good thing I proof read before sending, because it would be just a jumble of words.
The impact of losing a spouse is so incredible. I have lost both of my parents. I was 29 when my mom died and 5 years ago I lost my dad. I am 64, so I have lived 35 years without my mom. But the grief I feel after losing my husband is uncomparable. When he died part of me died also.
I am so dreading the holidays, but they are coming whether I want them to or not. I still have 5 adult children and 10 grandchildren. I know my husband would want me to enjoy the holidays. The thing is, it's so easy for people to tell us to enjoy the holidays, because our loved one would want us to. The big picture is, our loved ones now only live in our mind. We can't see them, have them talk back to us or feel their touch ever again.
I keep thinking my dad lived 33 years longer than my mom. He did go on living, so I guess I can too. It is just that right now the road seems so long and lonely.
I guess all we can do is take it one day at a time and one breath at a time.
God bless you! We who come to this site share a special bond. We are all strangers, yet we can pour out our souls and no one judges, they just listen.
The worst day of my life is 6/27/11. The day I married the love of my life was 6/26/65. There is a reason my husband died the day after our 46th wedding anniversary; I haven't really figured the reason out yet.
I am just so grateful for this site. I just keep reading and posting.

Nov 02, 2011
by: Vickie


I read your posts and I really was touched by what you said. I think your feeling so very alone at night is understandable. That's when I think many of us have time to wind down from the day and it is when our mind is the least busy and all the thoughts we pushed to the side find their way back. For myself it is often in the early morning. I am an aide for special needs children and I ride on a school bus. We leave very early before 6:00 a.m. It is often during that time that I find my mind thinking of my daughter, my life. Halloween was her favorite holiday. Not Christmas even.. Although she was twenty-six she still Loved it. I spent the evening handing out candy and looking up at the stars wondering if she was watching down upon me. I would like to believe so. I am with someone(I'm engaged). we have made no plans. I love him and he has been with me through all this 'hell' but my heart is just not there yet. I want to be in a 'better place' when we do get married. I do have good days. More than before, but I am not there yet. I found the second yr. to be much harder. The first half of it at least. Holidays are of course are very difficult for all of us who have lost our loved ones You aren't crazy or anything...your pain is real. Your still grieving. I don't think we ever stop grieving. I did talk to a friend that is a therapist and she said that as time goes by living with our grief will be more natural. It will move from being right in front of our face to being on our shoulder. It will soften with years but will be with us through life. We will over time learn to cope and find happiness again. I am starting to find small bits of it again. You mentioned how your apt. is Not home any longer. I can see how you would feel like that. I was with someone for nineteen yr's and he just pretty much left one day and that yr. my house felt like nothing more than a place to eat and sleep. He didn't die but I do know the extreme amount of pain your in(having lost my child) and that feeling of being empty and feeling 'broken'. You may find your apartment comforting since this is where you spent your life with Billy. Your memories are there. On the other hand it may be overwhelming you and maybe you need a change? I am sure moving may not be realistic or that your even up to that, but maybe you might think of changing up an area. Make a special area for yourself. Treat yourself to a new throw or some pillows, fresh flowers..I know this probably sounds Crazy but it may help you mentally. I am not telling you to change up your whole apartment-just give 'yourself' a little gift. This site is a Blessing and I am s very grateful for it. This morning as I was on my way to work I thought about you and your latest blogs and I was hoping that you were okay. I feel for all of us who are here. The next couple mo's are going to be very difficult for us all. Just remember that this site is here and we can all find comfort in that. God Bless you-Vickie

Nov 02, 2011
Me Too!
by: judith in California

Patricia, my heart is with you on this terrible ride of heartbreak and trying to move forward. I too feel lost in my home as there is so much of him still here but not him and it's so darn lonely at night.
Please read my post "Sharing with those who want to understand" when it comes up. I wish all of us could get together and give each other a big hug and sit and chat for a while.

Please take care of yourself Patricia and I ray you will find peace soon.

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