My Heart is not where my Home Is !
Our Last Christmas Tree at Home
At night the loneliness show's its bitter self. The darkness of night gives way to the sorrow I feel each night.
I don't understand this, the pain, the missing, the sorrow ~ again I don't understand how God can leave me and those of us the same as me in pain. To question God is not the teaching I was raised growing up, but as a adult, I keep asking myself why ....
So do I ask the church of so many this question of why?
I don't question my faith, only the lost I endure. I know there's no real answer but it's a question on my mind. I'm rambling and talking sideways at times but I don't understand, the tears I cry, my soul that's missing Billy so much at times it's painful.
It's the late night hours my thoughts come to me, the remembering of long ago days, my soul and heart missing him so much.
I sit and look around, each morning surprised that I'm still here and each night looking at my apartment, alone, the place of comfort that should be us, pictures and stuff here and there that would have been our place which now has become only mine.
I find no pleasure or satisfaction from my place here alone by myself. No one to show it to, to say "look what I did" or just "don't forget to take the trash out" because it's only me. I use to come home and say "Hi, Honey I'm Home". Sometimes I do say it but then it "oh ya, it's just me" and then sadness fills my heart. I can push it away at that moment because the light is still there but slowly, later that night as darkness comes each night I feel that sorrow and loneliness again bring me back to the fact that I'm here alone again.
I don't want to be here, I don't want to do this, why is all I keep asking myself as tears run down my cheeks as I type and give my emotions and feelings up to this site.
This site has saved my soul, given me friends of pain and sorrow and the only ones who truly understand where I'm at and where I'm going. I can speak my mind, voice my words of confusion, desperation and uncertainty of where I'm going.
Boy I'm really on the ropes this night. I'm finding as the holidays get closer this 2nd year the more turmoil I feel and the more I miss Billy.
I'm working to fill each moment of the day with things to do and places to go but the problem is when night comes I'm alone, I'm hurting, crying and my soul and heart is missing Billy again and again.
Where am I going? Where will I be tomorrow? So many questions, so little answers....
But I will keep going, and tomorrow is another step and I'll keep looking for the answers to help me move forward...
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year