My Heart went home 9 months 2 days ago,

by Mike Hall
(Reno, NV)

Thanksgiving 2012, our last meal together

Thanksgiving 2012, our last meal together

Thanksgiving 2012, our last meal together
Our Wedding June 2, 1981

Pepper and I were married for 31 years 4 months 27 days. On Thanksgiving, Nov 22nd, 2012 we spent the day with out family and everything was good. She was walking around and talking to everyone and she was fine. We went home about 6 and she was tired, kissed me goodnight and went to bed. I went in around and found her in her "Stink Bug" position, where she was so tired, she crawled into bed with her legs under her and her butt in the air. I got her to straighten out and I went to sleep. In the morning, I woke up next to her and she was in the exact same position that she was when I went to sleep. She must have passed sometime soon after I had changed her position and it had to be a quiet passing as she did not move or make any noises. She was stiff when I woke up.

She had COPD, and was on Oxygen 24/7, fibromyalgia and other health challenges, but nothing that looked life threatening in the short term. We both knew that the COPD would eventually take her life, but we did not expect it to be so soon.

I told her all the time that she was my reason for waking up everyday. She was my heart and my reason for being. I was lucky to be able to work out of our home as she needed me to take care of her. My days revolved around her and I loved her with everything I had. She lived with a lot of pain and I prayed daily for God to heal her. He healed her by taking her home! I would not have her return even if I could because she is beyond pain, fear and in the arms of our Lord, but I wish He had taken us both.

I have existed for the last 9 months, but I am no longer really alive. I pray many, many times a day for the Lord to take me home to be with her again. I have ways to take myself out, but the fear of being separated from her holds me back. Although the hole inside me is so great that I don't know how long I can hold out.

I am not close to my family and my two sons have their lives and are not really a part of mine.

Pepper was my heart, life, and my everything I loved about life. Without her, it is all darkness and endless days waiting to join her. Here is a memorial I put up for her.

Words can never do justice and fully explain what she meant to me, just as they cannot show what "life" is without her. The only hope left to me is that I will be with her someday.

I miss everything about her, and every night I cry when I can't get my nite-nite kisses and tell her how much I love her. I still give them to the air and pray she can hear me.

Comments for My Heart went home 9 months 2 days ago,

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Sep 04, 2013
That day demarks EVERYTHING
by: Mike H

I find myself seeing things in a strange way! Before and After Nov 23rd 2012 when Pep went home. Anything I see on the news or TV or anything is subjected to the thought, "She was still alive when that took place" or, "she was gone then." Everything is subjected to that test, either before or after I lost her. Today is a very bad day of missing her, crying out loud and tears falling. Every part of my being longs to be with her! I don't know how I have lasted 9 months 11 days. I move through each day like a zombie and tell her at night, "Another day gone on this cursed earth." I exist but I don't live and that's OK, as I only one thing left to look forward to, my last second on this planet and then stepping into eternity and her arms. May it come sooner rather than later.

Thank you all for your heartfelt words!

Aug 30, 2013
My heart went home ....
by: silver

Dear Mike,I know how you feel.I am glad you said,"went home".That's how I feel.My faith in GOD's promise of an eternal home with him is my lifeline. My belief that I will be able to see my love(he went home on May 29,2010)and hold him again is what keeps me going.I have sons also and like you said,they have their own lives.I am bless though that they do keep up with me fairly regular.Two live in other states and one is gone on his job and only home once a month.My friend of 28 yrs,my mom,my dad,and my youngest sister(other siblings live 2 states away)have all gone home also.It was hard for me to get going again.I am finally beginning to.I didn't understand why my mom didn't go out and be with her many friends when daddy died.She died 7 months later.I did understand when 11 months later it happened to me. Like you,I wished I could die and be with him.I hardly did more than sleep for 2 months after.I didn't get dressed.I only ate when I had to.I only went out when I had to.I know now I was in the shock part of grief.I've started walking again.I go to the Senior Center once a month to play bingo.I write poetry some.Once I realized some months later,what did I think...that I would go at the same moment so neither of us would be without the other? I realized that it would have done to my children what happened to have both parents gone so quickly.I have been told that the average length of time for hard grief is 12 to 18 months,so give yourself some time to learn how to live again.You will always miss her but you will begin to have times,like I do now,where memories bring a smile to your face.Don't feel bad if you talk to her,I still do to my loved ones.This site has been my saving grace.It helps to know that someone knows exactly how you feel.There are some great poems here also.Maybe you could read some of them.GOD send you strength and peace.I keep all of us in my prayers.

Aug 27, 2013
Your pain is my pain...
by: Lynne

Your pain is my pain..there is really nothing words can do, but, give one comfort while being read. My heart is with yours and I will pray for you each time I pray..
DONT give up...hold on ..Jesus is coming soon and will take us all home....

Aug 27, 2013
we feel your pain

You expressed your pain and anguish so movingly, everyone on this site has also gone through the hell you are going through now and are crying with you..
I wish I could think of words to ease your pain and sorrow but they don’t exist, grief is totally overwhelming and we all at one time thought about joining our beloved but I guess fear of the unknown and perhaps the pain it would cause our families stopped us.
I wanted to lie down besides my wife at her funeral as we had done everything together for the past seventy years but had to make do with ordering a double headstone so that when I die we will be together for eternity.
Mike, you have to be so thankful for the wonderful 31years you had together, so many people never get to know such deep love, nothing is forever and sooner or later one of you would have had to leave this love affair, it was just her turn.
There are no happy endings in life. It’s just called LIFE, but I repeat time after time “GRIEF IS THE PRICE YOU PAY FOR LOVE” and we are all paying that price but it was worth it to have had such happiness in our lives..
Your pain will ease as the months pass by, grief is self-limiting by nature and you find the tears don’t fall as often as I have found out being in the eighth month of losing the girl of my dreams. I still miss her so dreadfully.
The important thing is not to stay in your house and grieve, get out, find a hobby, go to the local library and read the newspapers, find a social club and believe me there will be plenty of men like you and me who are in despair.
You are obviously computer literate so start writing a book of your love affair or start a novel, it doesn’t matter if it is rubbish, I have been writing books for thirty years and they are all rubbish and nobody read them except my beloved wife and family but I write because it is a compulsion and who knows you could turn out the Great American Novel..
Phone the local Hospice to see if they hold bereavement meetings, most of them do, but, and I feel this so deeply, you have the rest of your life to live so live it as Pepper would have wanted, not to wallow in grief but to get on with it as a tribute to her.
Look after yourself.

Aug 27, 2013
My Heart went home 9 months 2 days ago
by: Doreen U.K.

Mike I am sorry for your loss of your beloved wife. Nothing ever prepares us for losing our life partner. This is an experience that is so crushing. It leaves us with an emptiness that is hard to put into words. Our children's grief is different. No one can understand our loss like those who have gone through this.
Married for 44yrs. I lost my beloved husband to cancer caused by working with ASBESTOS in the workplace. A deadly substance that no one knew was a killer to the environment and those who inhaled the fibres.
Our wife/husband is our very reason for living and getting up each day. It has been 15 months for me since I lost my beloved husband. I know God is carrying me through this grief and these hard days ahead, but there is no comfort in what we have to face now. Our children live their own lives and we somehow get forgotten. This is what makes our grief worse. We can't survive in isolation and without human comfort. With God's sustaining Help we will find strength to go through each day. I am glad I am of an age where I know I have had my lifetime with my husband. I just take one day at a time. Death will come soon for all of us but whilst we are here we have God to take us through. He promised that He would not leave us or forsake us. Due to living in a fallen world this is our experience. Death is the end of this life but the beginning of your wife's future. She is safe in the arms of God and when Jesus comes back for us. What a day that will be. Re-united FOREVER. Never to be parted again. This is my FOCUS for each day and time I feel all alone. God is my comforter. He will be a COMFORTER to all those who ask God to be there for them. Till then we have to restructure our lives in some way to make it bearable each day. This site is one way we can find comfort and strength to go on. Talking and sharing other people's experiences and gaining strength.
I like what you said about praying for Healing and God's Healing was taking your wife home. This is a healing statement for me. Because I prayed for Healing for my husband and I said to God. "If you can't heal him then take him." God did take him home that very day. As long as I was holding on to my beloved husband God could not do his part. I had to release him to God. His pain ended and mine just began.
May God Comfort You. and all of us going through loss and give us Peace and HOPE.

Aug 26, 2013
Your heart went home
by: Anonymous

I am with you brother. My wife passed 17 months. People try to get you to move on but like you I yearn for the time we will be reunited. I know it will come and each day gets a little easier but I would give it all up to be with her.
All I can tell you is I feel your pain.
Keep living brother. That's all we can do.

Aug 26, 2013
3 years
by: Judith in California

Mike, what a wonderful love story and lovely couple you were.. I'm so sorry for your loss of the love of your life.

We all who hve gone before you know of the heartbreak you are feeling. There is nothing we can say to ease your pain nut just know we care.

For me it's been 3 weeks shy of 3 years that I lost my Chuck. It is still one of the toughest jurneys I've ever had. I am at peace with his pssing but not with the thought that I'll not share the comfort of him ever again. I miss so much US

My God bring you to the peaceful side of this horrible journey of grief.

Aug 26, 2013
I too am sad and lonely
by: Pennie

Mike..I so agree with everything you have said.I too have lost the love of my life; it will be 9 months Sept. 10.I don't know how to go on without him.And I don't want to. I too have the means to take myself out of this world. I comtemplate doing that everyday. I don't want to live any more; just don't.Dennie was my life and now I have nothing; just loneliness and sadness. I too pray every day for Jesus to call me home. I cry and cry all the time. Friends and family just don't understand and they have stayed away.I grieve for Dennie from my inner soul; this pain has to be worse than any illness. To be seperated from the one we loved so dearly is excruciating.We were married 39 yrs.and we were so close. He had cancer and we thought he was going to beat it, but that's another story. I wish I had a friend to talk to and do things with but I guess that's not meant to be.I have a daughter and she's been there for me but I think she thinks it's time for me to get pass this and that's just not happening.I don't want to move on without the love of my life. I just need him so much. He was my everything. Take care Mike and God bless

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