My Heart went home 9 months 2 days ago,
by Mike Hall
Thanksgiving 2012, our last meal together
Pepper and I were married for 31 years 4 months 27 days. On Thanksgiving, Nov 22nd, 2012 we spent the day with out family and everything was good. She was walking around and talking to everyone and she was fine. We went home about 6 and she was tired, kissed me goodnight and went to bed. I went in around and found her in her "Stink Bug" position, where she was so tired, she crawled into bed with her legs under her and her butt in the air. I got her to straighten out and I went to sleep. In the morning, I woke up next to her and she was in the exact same position that she was when I went to sleep. She must have passed sometime soon after I had changed her position and it had to be a quiet passing as she did not move or make any noises. She was stiff when I woke up.
She had COPD, and was on Oxygen 24/7, fibromyalgia and other health challenges, but nothing that looked life threatening in the short term. We both knew that the COPD would eventually take her life, but we did not expect it to be so soon.
I told her all the time that she was my reason for waking up everyday. She was my heart and my reason for being. I was lucky to be able to work out of our home as she needed me to take care of her. My days revolved around her and I loved her with everything I had. She lived with a lot of pain and I prayed daily for God to heal her. He healed her by taking her home! I would not have her return even if I could because she is beyond pain, fear and in the arms of our Lord, but I wish He had taken us both.
I have existed for the last 9 months, but I am no longer really alive. I pray many, many times a day for the Lord to take me home to be with her again. I have ways to take myself out, but the fear of being separated from her holds me back. Although the hole inside me is so great that I don't know how long I can hold out.
I am not close to my family and my two sons have their lives and are not really a part of mine.
Pepper was my heart, life, and my everything I loved about life. Without her, it is all darkness and endless days waiting to join her. Here is a memorial I put up for her. http://www.ucsofa.com/pepper/
Words can never do justice and fully explain what she meant to me, just as they cannot show what "life" is without her. The only hope left to me is that I will be with her someday.
I miss everything about her, and every night I cry when I can't get my nite-nite kisses and tell her how much I love her. I still give them to the air and pray she can hear me.