My Heart

July 16, 2010 started out like any other day. I talked with my husband before I left for work, kissed him and told him I loved him. Little did I know, that was the last time I would ever talk to my baby. He was 55 years old and we had been married 23 years, 11 months and 1 week.

Last year he had 2 femoral bypasses and an aortic dissection surgery. He made it through that and was able to walk our daughter down the aisle in October. Then in June of this year, I took him to the hospital because of his oxygen. He was put on the ventilator while they got it corrected. He came home on July 4th but he was so tired. He was on oxygen 24/7. I took him out riding sometimes just to get him out of the house. He was on disability and we only had 1 car and I had to work.

He would call me at work all the time just to say hey or something silly. On July 16th, I started calling home at about 11am because I hadn't heard from him. I called home, cell, texted him but no response. I finally told my manager that I needed to go home to check on him. When I opened the front door and the oxygen tube was still down the hallway, I knew he had never gotten out of bed. I went to the bedroom and started screaming his name but I knew from the color of his arm that he was with Jesus. Our dog was by his side and wouldn't leave him. He had obviously been reaching over my side of the bed to get either the phone or the remote and had a heart attack and went very quickly. He was laying on his little face and I didn't go around the bed to see it.

Just seeing him laying there not breathing was heart wrenching. I was screaming, crying and really didn't know what to do. I called 911 first, then my daughter and the rest of my family. It is still unbelievable that he is gone and I will never get my big bear hug again. He used to rub my feet almost every night. He was my friend. How my heart hurts for him!!

But I am back to work now and still break down a lot. And our dog has done his grieving and is better. I am going to have to move because I can't make it in our home on just my salary. So another time to grieve as I leave our home. But I will find myself and life will be an adventure again.