My Hero

by Sandy Wheeler
(Haileybury, ont, Canada)

My father was 58 years old and was hit and killed while on his motor cycle in Bracebridge Ont in 2010. The guy got off with a driving careless charge even though he was high as kite. I am one of 4 children from my fathers 1st marriage his 2nd wife would not share any info with us. I had to research it all myself. I have looked at the 7 stages of grief not sure where I am. I cant get out of bed, I dont eat, dont sleep unless I medicate myself. I cry all the time even at the dentist office. I have to take care of my 14 year old daughter, who is also going through her own crap, now she was to watch her mother break down. I just cant pull myself together, i have also just broken up with the love of my life cause he was draining me and I just cant do both. I am so lost, I grieve for my father and my boyfriend. I moved 5 hrs away from my family I just cant be around them. I dont want to be around anybody. I look in the mirror and I dont see myself at all, I have no idea who that person is. Every song, tv show is playing to my tune, they all have something to say about my sadness, and i cry even more. I didnt get to tell my dad how much I loved him, How much he really meant to me. I tried several times and Im sure he understood what I was trying to say. I feel so guilty because my father was not the best of people, he broke the law, was not a good husband to my mother, yet he has always been my hero. So I feel guilty for remembering these things about him, all I can think about is the accident and how he never saw it coming, how he was thrown from his bike, did he feel any pain? did he know that his time was up? where is he now? can he see that I am week at this moment and miss him so much? I have been crying for 6 hrs straight took 2 nerve pills and im sleepy but cant stop crying. I would sign myself into the hospital, but they wont let me leave or smoke and I need to smoke. Also who would take care of my daughter and dog, I cant leave them alone. These are the same reasons I dont try to end my own life. I can see how much pain it brings(death) but how do I escape. To add more salt to the wound I fell that the Orillia OPP head quarters are corrupt and fucked with the testimony of 2 police officers who were called as experts their testimony was never heard in court and the criminal charges were dropped. how i that fair that my father died for $1000 and 9 months driving probation. If the court could have heard the testimonies of those 2 police officers he could have been charged with at least 1 count of dangerous driving causing death. not careless!
Thats all I have to say right now thanks for listening:
Sandy Wheeler in loving memory of my father Leslie John Sherwood of Burksfalls ont

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