My home

by O
(N)

My home.

2years ago i lost my home.
Why? is still jelling in me.
why????
it stil hurts that i lost all
i had many feel good feelings there.
the nature was around me, every morning i walked withe my dog.she also died 2 years ago.
i heared the silence there and the smell of the wood en landscape.
i loved to get jogged thre.
i did built my innerpeace up there for 7 years.
it was the house that i have to learn to live alone and raise my kids as a single mother, after a merriage from 15 year.
in that house i have learn to feel and enjoy live.
silence and nature there has woken up the painter then.
now looking back i miss all the feelings there, i had a painting room, i was on my way to get it in more grow.
i was in connection with a proffesional painter.
and now it feels like i can,t get it back here were i live now.
something happened in my house that throwt me of my kalmth.
in my pain i maked a dissision that i let go my house and live together with my partner in his house.
people around me say i,m quilty that i was living together
with my partner in my house, 1 person has got me on my mother fear.
and so i make the the dissision to let my house go, because i don,t won,t more pressure from there.
the way of living from the heart and feeling,so i have said the truth to her that i aint living together.
she grapped my fear and her energie was pushing me.
how can a other woman doesnt understand a mothers heart?
using the fear from a mother?
it tells me that she was far away from her own heart, althow it was her work.
she was working for a job were i get some mony from as a single mam.
i still can,t get the feeling that i was treeted with respect.
i always did the best i good.
when i was working i always get every euro on paper for them.
how do i get this a place in my heart that i let go my house.it feels like a mistake.
my son had also make the switch and his world also switch, friends etc.
i lost my paint creativity.
it feels like i cant find those feelings here in this hous.
i wan,t those feelings back.
i am a painter.
i,m puzzle whats wrong here that i cant find those feelings here?
i wish i had my house and my rooms.
why?
i lost the place that i loved, my hous, garden, silence, landscape,my painting room, creativity every day.
i feel here stress in this house and the place.
i wan,t my innerpeace back and i fine warm home again.
why can i find it here?