My husband, John
It doesn't even seem real that I'm on this site, or writing these words.
I lost the love of my life on July 27, 2011. We would have celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary on November 12th. I'm turning 55 next month. I never thought John would be gone
on my 55th birthday. It seems kind of foolish of me to think that way since I know all too well that tomorrow is no guarantee for any of us, having lost my dear mom, dad, and 6 of my 11 siblings. Yet, I find myself in disbelief. I've never known the type of pain and grief that I am experiencing with John's death. I hoped I would be better than I am at 6 months, but I feel utterly lost.
I have children and grandchildren who I love with all of my heart and yet there is this sadness beyond belief. I feel guilty for feeling such sadness because I do have so many blessings. I too, like another who expressed fear of death prior to the loss of her husband, find myself strangely at peace with my own mortality now.
My daughter told me the other day that I talk about her dad non-stop. I do find myself wanting to talk about him to anyone who cares to listen, but I was not aware I do it as frequently as she pointed out. I find myself longing to talk with my mom and my sister who both passed away 5 and 2 years ago. I long for the comfort they would lend on this lonely journey I'm on.
I'm glad my children and grandchildren are not grieving as I am. I'm glad that life moves on but at the same time, I feel that much more alone.
I do realize I have made some progress as there are now days where I am not thinking only of the past. Sometimes my memories seem too vivid, such as remembering every detail of John's face, hands etc. I can almost feel him. Yet, as sad as it makes me to realize that it is only memories, never to be reality again, I don't want to forget.
I realize there is something very different about losing a spouse. I think about my mom losing my dad, and my sister losing her husband, and I want to say to them both," now I know, now I understand," but they too are gone.
I have a knew understanding of 'one set of footprints in the sand' and realize that the Lord is carrying me through most of my days at this time in my life.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story.