My husband, John

It doesn't even seem real that I'm on this site, or writing these words.
I lost the love of my life on July 27, 2011. We would have celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary on November 12th. I'm turning 55 next month. I never thought John would be gone
on my 55th birthday. It seems kind of foolish of me to think that way since I know all too well that tomorrow is no guarantee for any of us, having lost my dear mom, dad, and 6 of my 11 siblings. Yet, I find myself in disbelief. I've never known the type of pain and grief that I am experiencing with John's death. I hoped I would be better than I am at 6 months, but I feel utterly lost.
I have children and grandchildren who I love with all of my heart and yet there is this sadness beyond belief. I feel guilty for feeling such sadness because I do have so many blessings. I too, like another who expressed fear of death prior to the loss of her husband, find myself strangely at peace with my own mortality now.
My daughter told me the other day that I talk about her dad non-stop. I do find myself wanting to talk about him to anyone who cares to listen, but I was not aware I do it as frequently as she pointed out. I find myself longing to talk with my mom and my sister who both passed away 5 and 2 years ago. I long for the comfort they would lend on this lonely journey I'm on.
I'm glad my children and grandchildren are not grieving as I am. I'm glad that life moves on but at the same time, I feel that much more alone.
I do realize I have made some progress as there are now days where I am not thinking only of the past. Sometimes my memories seem too vivid, such as remembering every detail of John's face, hands etc. I can almost feel him. Yet, as sad as it makes me to realize that it is only memories, never to be reality again, I don't want to forget.
I realize there is something very different about losing a spouse. I think about my mom losing my dad, and my sister losing her husband, and I want to say to them both," now I know, now I understand," but they too are gone.
I have a knew understanding of 'one set of footprints in the sand' and realize that the Lord is carrying me through most of my days at this time in my life.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story.

Comments for My husband, John

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Feb 12, 2012
Email
by: John's wife

If anyone would like to contact me through email, please do so. My address is staylorrn2000@yahoo.com. Unfortunately we are all on the same journey.

Feb 12, 2012
From John's wife
by: Anonymous

Thank you, ladies for your words of encouragement. It helps to know others feel as I, although I'm so sorry for your losses. Although I don't think we will ever be completely healed from our losses, this side of heaven, I do believe we will make it through this. Thank you too, to the creators of this site for giving us an opportunity to share.

Feb 11, 2012
Forever is not long enough
by: Judi

I lost my world on July 22, 2011. Our 51 anniversary would have been Aug 6th. Last year we had a big celebration (he wanted one, I didn't). I am so glad we did. He was a saint. I worked so he took care of my mother, dressed her and took her to daycare. He knew everyone of our neighbors by first names. He died suddenly and I feel like I didn't get to say goodbye. I thank God that he did but I hurt so bad that living hardly seems worth it. I retired last January so spend my days alone. I once told him that I didn't feel complete until he was with me.
Reading everyone's experiences at least lets me know that I am not going crazy. Nothing seems important even eating. I have lost over 50 lbs and have been told by our doctor that I am killing myself.
I love my kids and grandkids but my foundation is gone. I believe in God but that doesn't seem to help either. Did not realize that grief could be so painful.
Thank you for taking the time to put your feelings into print. It does help to hear how all of you are coping.

Feb 02, 2012
My husband John too!
by: Judith

I cannot believe the way you are feeling. This is exactly myself as well. I lost my beautiful husband, John, on the 10th October 2011. It will be coming up to 4 months for me -the longest of my life.

John and I have been together for 35 years and married for 32 when he passed. I am also turning 55 this year and never expected to be in this position. How it hurts so much.

I also love to talk about John to anyone who will listen because it makes - oh god what does it make it?

I am so lost, confused and in so much pain I don't know anything anymore but just reading how you are feeling is the same as me as if I had written it.

How are we ever going to get through this. Will we ever know happiness again?

Feb 01, 2012
My Husband, John
by: Pat J.

I lost my husband, June 27,2011, the day after our 46th wedding anniversary. He actually died at 12:10 a.m. It is 7 months and it often feels like yesterday. I miss everything about him, have this awful ache in my heart. I know life goes on. My life has changed. I am adjusting to this new life, but sure would like my old life back. We didn't go away alot; we were home-bodies; always felt we had a home we enjoyed, enjoyed being together; one of the reasons we were married and all that mattered was we were together. We were looking forward to retirement together. He was 67 when he died and I had planned to retire this year-age 65 in January. I am still working, can't find a reason to retire now.
I have 5 adult children, 8 grandchildren and 2 step-grandchildren, yet like you I feel alone most of the time. I do have 4 widow friends, since my husbands death, but would trade all the things we have done together, to just be at home with him.
God is with us on our journey,one day at a time.It is not an easy journey, but we all are strong women to survive, what I feel is the worst heartache ever. I have lost both of my parents, but this loss is by far the worst. But I will go, my husband would want me to.

Feb 01, 2012
I understand
by: julie

Believe as much as I don't want to, I understand every word of your post. My love died on April 15, 2011. We were married 43 years and I have to say that even though we had some rough patches in the beginning, we were finally able to sit back and enjoy the life that we had made together.

I have two sons and 5 grands that I love so much and appreciate them being a part of my life. Blessings are numerous when I look at things around me but when I look at things with my heart the only one that was always there is gone and part of me went with him. I think a lot about how much I would love to be with him even if it meant my death.

I know that the kids and grands need me but I just don't feel like I can be there for them with this tremendous sadness. I do have good days every once in a while but most of the time the sadness just over takes me. I hate to be the one that is soooo sad and brings that cloud with me wherever I go. It's so hard to enjoy anything without thinking about how much he would have loved to be a part of it all. Arthur was very much a "family" man and his kids and grands were his world and he made sure that they knew it. It's hard to follow an act like that.

This roller coaster ride and this club that we have been thrown into is certainly no "fun". I too know that God has carried me through all of this and know that He is trying to do a work with me. I just don't know how to get out of this mood and I can't figure out where He is trying to take me.

I need a purpose something that I can feel passionate about to make my life have meaning. The kids have their life and I'm proud that they do..but I lost my best friend and the one that gave me purpose on that day.

Your feelings are exactly like mine and I just wanted to let you know that as a member of this club I do understand...

Feb 01, 2012
Your'e Going the Right Way
by: TrishJ

Oh my goodness. Do I know where you are coming from. Everything you said resonates with what I went through. I am a little further along in the grief journey than you are. My husband passed away on December 3, 2010 leaving me completely devastated. I had just turned 58 and none of my friends have lost their husbands. We were married for 37 years. I was only 19 when we met. He was 9 years older than I but a real hunk of man. He used to kid and tell everyone he raised me. He was all I knew of life. I was so lost. Nothing in my life prepared me for the loss of my husband. I too, clung to my husband's friends to talk about him. The calls have gotten to be less but they all still call me to see how I'm doing. I wanted nothing to do but talk about him for the first 6 months. I knew it was hard for my children as, like you said, they were completely moving on with their lives (that doesn't mean they don't love and miss their dad).

When the one year anniversary came I was really down on myself because I thought I should have been further along then I was. I still cried every day (I always feel better after a good cry), I was still living in the past - I clung to the past with both hands. Every time someone told me I had to let the past go I clung on harder. I would lay in bed and think about everything there was to do with Joe and our life together. On the day of the anniversary of his death I knew I had to let go if I was going to have any happiness in this life. He loved me. He would want me to be happy.

It hasn't been easy. It's a daily work in progress. Some days I back slide. I'm tryinf to get over the anti-social tendencies I've developed over the last year. I have several friends who have been so supportive of me. I've blown them off many times and I have to stop that. They have been more than patient.

At 6 months you aren't even 1/2 way to where you need to be. You will always be grieving but it does get easier-easier to function. I tell my friends I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I was Joe's wife for almost 38 years. We aren't going to discover these things over night.

Be good to yourself. I love a good mani / pedi and a good massage. Meditation has really helped me clear my brain. Pamper yourself.

Take it one day at a time. God bless and I hope you continue to make progress.

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