My husband, my friend my all
by ALICIA WATSON
(CANYON LAKE TX)
I married my husband in 1972, many years we were poor as the pauper but alwayys in our love we were richer than the Astors. We were friends before we married and remained friends until the day he died. We have 7 children 4 natural and three adopted.
He was diagnosed with cancer in 2009 with stage 4 and was able to survive for 2 years and 6 months. He had been given 3 months. I felt my life changing from the first day of the diagnosis. He was on the road in a truck for many years and was able to be at home every day after he got sick. We did things we had not had time to do and went places we thought we would never go. I have been to Niagra, to New Orleans and have such beautiful memories of the time together. He had brain surgery in Jan 2012 and died in 2012.
I have found it hard to "share" with others the depth of the pain I feel from losing him. I realize now the time at bedtime when we shared the day and events and plans for tomorrow to be the hardest time of my day. When I lost him I lost the person who told me daily I was the most important person in the world and I was the world. I now realize if the role was reversed he would have said the same thing.
Where am I today a year later, I have traveled some, try to get through each day remembering the "good times" even if were a day of chemo shared. I try to move on but my heart is constantly pulled back to the memories of a day gone by. Grieving still, but have accepted some things. I must move forward but guess even 2 steps forward and 1 backward is still moving forward. I think of meeting others but I ask myself... with caution...do I want to open myself up to this kind of pain again? I miss him terribly, I hurt, I cry and I turn to God for strength to carry on. I have a fear that I may never find the joy I had in "going home" I once felt.
The depth of my loss is eating at my soul... I realize my whole world was changed the instant he drew his last breath. I was no longer a wife, I didn't even know who I was or where or what I want out of life. We had planned to grow old together and now I am growing old alone. How to do it gracefully? I get angry when I see other couples holding hands, and sharing their own secrets. I feel cheated and robbed of the simplest of joy.
Moving on,,, how can I move on when I don't know where I am going?