My husband, my friend my all


I married my husband in 1972, many years we were poor as the pauper but alwayys in our love we were richer than the Astors. We were friends before we married and remained friends until the day he died. We have 7 children 4 natural and three adopted.

He was diagnosed with cancer in 2009 with stage 4 and was able to survive for 2 years and 6 months. He had been given 3 months. I felt my life changing from the first day of the diagnosis. He was on the road in a truck for many years and was able to be at home every day after he got sick. We did things we had not had time to do and went places we thought we would never go. I have been to Niagra, to New Orleans and have such beautiful memories of the time together. He had brain surgery in Jan 2012 and died in 2012.

I have found it hard to "share" with others the depth of the pain I feel from losing him. I realize now the time at bedtime when we shared the day and events and plans for tomorrow to be the hardest time of my day. When I lost him I lost the person who told me daily I was the most important person in the world and I was the world. I now realize if the role was reversed he would have said the same thing.

Where am I today a year later, I have traveled some, try to get through each day remembering the "good times" even if were a day of chemo shared. I try to move on but my heart is constantly pulled back to the memories of a day gone by. Grieving still, but have accepted some things. I must move forward but guess even 2 steps forward and 1 backward is still moving forward. I think of meeting others but I ask myself... with I want to open myself up to this kind of pain again? I miss him terribly, I hurt, I cry and I turn to God for strength to carry on. I have a fear that I may never find the joy I had in "going home" I once felt.

The depth of my loss is eating at my soul... I realize my whole world was changed the instant he drew his last breath. I was no longer a wife, I didn't even know who I was or where or what I want out of life. We had planned to grow old together and now I am growing old alone. How to do it gracefully? I get angry when I see other couples holding hands, and sharing their own secrets. I feel cheated and robbed of the simplest of joy.

Moving on,,, how can I move on when I don't know where I am going?

Comments for My husband, my friend my all

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Jun 21, 2014
My Husband, My Best Friend, My All and Soulmate
by: Martha Culbertson

How do I go on with this grief so strong inside of me? I did not need friends because Michael was everything to me including my best friend. We did everything together , we were together 24/7. I have very fond memories of all of the Rodeo's that we went to, he was a Team Roper. But even then I did not need friends. We have a Daughter and she has a Daughter. I live with her now but she has a different kind of grief to deal with she cannot understand the loss that I feel. I feel as I am in this all alone. I feel alone and empty. I even question God and why he would take such a good man like Michael from this world. I need friends now to talk to and I do not have any.

Feb 12, 2013
to Kristina
by: linda

Like you, I was with my soul mate for several years and was married only for a short time. Many people think that just because we were only married for five weeks that I should not grief as if we had had a long marriage. I don't believe the number of years makes your grief any different.
I agree that I am and always will be his wife.
Prayers to you on your loss. I just buried my husband last week.

Feb 08, 2013
my husband,my friend,my all
by: silver

My husband and I were married in 1978.He died May 2011.Like you, we were friends for 4 yrs before we married.Like you,our plans to grow old together we halted abruptly.In the beginning,I only went out of the house when I had to because I knew he wouldn't be there when I got home. I hated going to bed because he wouldn't be there.I find it ironic that he used to watch a lot of TV and I didn't. Now I watch TV each evening just to hear people talking. My husband didn't have cancer when he died although he had a bout with bladder cancer and got a clean bill of health after 2 surgeries and some chemo. He had emphysema with only 40% of his lung power left. He got pneumonia which went septic and killed his kidneys. He died of kidney failure,lung failure,and subsequent heart failure.I really lost it 14 1/2 months after he died. We all go through the stages of grief.The timing and length of each are different for each of us.Look at some of the poetry on this site. It has helped me.It showed me that I am not alone even though it "sucks" being a widow before I was old enough to retire.I talk to him now and I talk to others about him.It makes him alive for me.I miss him terribly and wish he was still here but since that can't be I will do it however I can.I send you love and prayers for the strength and peace to go on.

Feb 06, 2013
It's Tough
by: Anonymous

Sorry for the loss of your loved one Alicia.
I lost my partner suddenly to cancer 18 months ago.
I have got to a point where I try to live in the "now" as much as possible otherwise I find myself too miserable to do anything. Remembering the past is still too painful as it reminds me of what I once had and what I have now lost. I still have a feeling of disbelief that he's gone. Thinking of the future hurts and scares me like hell. My partner is no longer in the future with me. ouch!
Some people seem to be able to move on and form new relationships. I find that at this stage totally out of the question. My mind and heart is still full of memories of my partner. My day is full of converstaions still going on in my mind with my partner. I can't stop thinking about him.
It would be unfair of me to even consider another relationship with this going on inside of me and besides, for me personally I've had the best 20 years I could have wished for and at this stage that will have to do. Some people never find their soul mate or true love.
We all have different personalities and deal with grief in different ways.
I have a friend who lost her husband and was in another relationship 11 months later. She said she was lonely. I am too, but I'm lonely for my partner, no one else. Good for her, she is happy and so is her new partner. I'm happy for them. But for me this is impossible.
Good luck Alicia, grief is an awful awful place but remember you aren't alone.

Feb 06, 2013
My husband, my friend my all
by: Doreen U.K.

Kate I am sorry for your loss of your son recently. First you lose your husband in 1994 and as you says go through a hard grief only to lose your beloved son of 39yrs. I can't imagine how you cope with even the loss of an Adult child. I have 3 Adult children and I would not be able to cope with this loss. Losing my husband of 44yrs. marriage 10 months ago was more than I could bear. Death is the worst pain one can go through. Not all deaths give us the same level of pain. But when a close bonded relationship ends through death we are hit in a way that is hard to recover from.
May you be comforted in you pain and loss of your beloved son and husband. I hope that you are well supported by friends and family and that life will get better in time as we are supporting you also.

Feb 05, 2013
I understand
by: Kristina

My husband died just over four months ago. We had been together for nearly 13 years, and married for literally one week.

I can tell you that I AM and ALWAYS WILL BE married, AM and ALWAYS WILL BE my husband's wife. As you will always be married and will always be your husband's wife, if you so choose.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It is hell.

Feb 05, 2013
by: Judith in California

I am so sorry for the loos of your husband. I too lost mine 2years 5 moths ago. It still is a slow road forwarc for me. I try but deep down I know he was the love of my life and no one will ever fill those shoes. I have had a few dates but they leave me cold. How do we share what was once so precious only to an "Us". No matter who I look at I am searching for his face, his style, his voice. I feel that no one else will ever understand me like he did. After 35 1/2 years of deep devotion is hard to move on.

Yet, people still think we have a time limit on grief.

We need to rely on God for strength because this is the hardest of things to do.

One day at a time we will still try because we know we have to.

Feb 05, 2013
My husband, my friend my all
by: Doreen U.K.

Alicia I am sorry for your loss of your husband. It is such a hard battle going on alone. I am in the same place as you. My husband of 44yrs died 10 months ago of a rare and aggressive cancer called MESOTHELIOMA. A lung cancer caused by working with asbestos and is incurable, inoperable, and aggressive. Steve was diagnosed on 28th March 2009. and this was the worst day of my life. I cried and cried and cried in the nurses office. The first thing that went through my head was. Oh My God Steve is going to die. What will I do. "What is going to happen to me" " How will I go on without him." All those normal feelings run high. Suddenly I was faced with ME. What do I do with ME. I nursed Steve for 3yrs.39days when he died on 5th May 2012. The Chemo was hard then the radiotherapy and throughout the whole time of the cancer Steve had no quality of life. He then developed a blood clot that needed daily injections for over 3 months. He was on steroids for appetite. He then got shingles in his eye from the oncologist who was seeing patients with shingles. Steve suffered badly. His eye was black and blue and swollen to almost shut. Steve then went on to get a heart attack, and pneumonia. In and out of the hospital and back and forth for appointments. He is not suffering now but I miss him so much. Steve was neglected in his care. I had to phone up for a doctor to come to give Steve an injection for Pain and had to wait over 3 hours till their clinic finished. This is disgraceful. I have so many unhappy memories of the cancer journey. The neglect of the medical staff. Family on Steve's side who caused me so much grief and interference. I just think of Steve and my tears are not far away. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. My heart is forever broken. WE are all in the same boat now. We may go on in our life but it will be altered forever. I don't want another man in my life but I do want companionship. I hate being ALONE. I gave STeve a song at the beginning of our marriage. "MY WORLD BEGINS AND ENDS WITH YOU." This was our song by Sonny James. Alicia you have 7 children and now you have to live for them and you will one day find value again in life. It is not easy. I am with you but also individually we face our grief alone. We can share it but it is our SOLO journey. I have a Faith in God that keeps my head above water. But hasten the day I am laid to rest in the same burial chamber as Steve. We will rise together to meet our Lord in the air. This is what keeps me going. You and US will get through this life only one day at a time.

Feb 04, 2013
Your husband
by: Kate

I understand. I was married in 1972 to the nicest man I ever met. We bonded and raised 5 children until he died in 1994.
23 years of love and now half gone i felt. I had a very long hard grief road and this Nov.our 39 yr old son died. I am in a standstill that leaves me blank. Death is the hardest thing ever.
You are not alone,we are all trying to figure out how to deal with our deep losses. Love to you.

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