My husband, my soulmate, left me after 25marriage
It's been 4 yrs now. I remember the day the love of my life left me. It was an unreal day & I had no idea he had been so unhappy in his marriage. He told me he was only in the marriage for the kids & had not loved me for years.
I was devastated. Hurt beyond disbelief. I had been living with a man that had been thinking of divorce for a long time. He had kept secrets. Was not working on making it work, would not give me the chance of counselling. No growth & no change.
I changed in my healing journey. Mentally, emotionally & physically. I thrived & am happy. I am also carrying love n hope in my heart for him. It is that reflection of myself that I grieve. That my love in my heart is not shared. I hv no contact with him as he refuses to communicate. It is his behaviour that continues to hurt me. Or that I dwell on & allow myself to feel regret loss n unhappiness.
I am learning to practice forgiveness. I am at that stage in my life. To really release him & let hm go so I can feel happy & not mourn. It has only been recently that I finally feel not married.
I hv this love In my heart for him & i'ld like it to go so I'm not feeling hurt. I hvnt been able to understand why I swing in my emotions & why after all these years I still hv feelings for him.
It's that holding on I don't understand. Why do I do that? I need to seek out a counsellor & discuss those inner emotions. When I can express it I can own my thoughts, and then acknowledge them, interpret them & I guess in helping myself thru my life. I need to take those feelings & file them away for what they are memories in the past. I can't just throw my feelings away. Unfortunately my mind for mysterious reasons takes me to places in my heart n opens these little channels and I find myself at a point immersed in feelings about my ex husband. Most of the time I hv no idea how I arrived at that place in my heart sort of like daydreaming. Maybe it's just being wistful. Maybe it's when I am lonely. I seem to only think of him at certain times in my life. Maybe I need to retrain my mind to be mindful of how long I I allow myself to think about him. Coz to be honest I only hv sad feelings when I think of him, no memories of fun & happiness. Just sadness, regret, betrayal, confusion, loneliness. I know my mind is seeking answers as to why he did what he did & I question Why did this happen to me.
The question I see that is important is that If it did not happen I would not be the changed person I am now. I like who I am today I hv come along way in my development. You know pain n suffering are teachers in my life. They hv made a groove in my spirit n soul that has deepened my capacity to think and feel in my life.
So a pilgrim on my journey. My wisdom to you, seek counselling, read, do medication on for a short time, exercise, take a trip somewhere, create lots n lots on new memories, work at making YOU happy. Give ur self art n music n beauty. Take ur time in healing. Be gentle n kind in filling yourself up & emptying ur self, so u can fill up again.
Most importantly, get bak on the pony. Go out n date again. Meet n make new friends. Love is not love until u give it away. So create new love & bask in the glow of feeling love again.
I wish u peace n love on ur journey.
Michelle (50yrs). Myself, Mother of 3 children. A student in life