my husband, my true love
It's been a month today since my nightmare began. I got to the hospital and saw my four kids faces tear-stained, shattered. He had had a heart attack and died.
My husband was my fantasy come true. I loved him from the moment I first laid eyes on him in 1974. My love, my lover, my best friend, my comfort, my funny goofy guy, my man, my boy, my baby. He was my biggest fan. As far as he was concerned I was good at everything.
He would help me when I needed it, do favors all the time, whatever I asked him to do. He was the best husband I knew. I felt so lucky he was mine.
Now I just feel lost...like my lifeboat is gone and I'm trying to tread water. Still it's insane to believe he's gone.
We've lived together for 32 years. He always told me I was beautiful, smart, sexy etc. He was the gorgeous one, inside and out. I used to kid him that at our wedding he was prettier than the bride.
These nights I lay in bed begging the clock be turned back (now it's 31 days). I would be home that day. I would take him to the hospital and they would have time to save him.
I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I run out to the store hoping I don't see anyone I know. I just want to stay in bed and not do anything. I feel bad that my 4 kids 20-26 see me sad and crying so much. He would be so proud of them. They are fantastic. They've kept me from going over the edge. I know that must be very hard on them.
There are so many things I am suppose to take care of now but it is over whelming to think about.
I see him everywhere I look, in every song, in every room, in the yard, the garage... in every place I see our life together. I picture him smiling at me with a twinkle he always had in his eyes.
I'm only 54. The thought of living without him is too painful to bear.