my husband, my true love

by Mary
(Chicago)

It's been a month today since my nightmare began. I got to the hospital and saw my four kids faces tear-stained, shattered. He had had a heart attack and died.

My husband was my fantasy come true. I loved him from the moment I first laid eyes on him in 1974. My love, my lover, my best friend, my comfort, my funny goofy guy, my man, my boy, my baby. He was my biggest fan. As far as he was concerned I was good at everything.

He would help me when I needed it, do favors all the time, whatever I asked him to do. He was the best husband I knew. I felt so lucky he was mine.
Now I just feel lost...like my lifeboat is gone and I'm trying to tread water. Still it's insane to believe he's gone.

We've lived together for 32 years. He always told me I was beautiful, smart, sexy etc. He was the gorgeous one, inside and out. I used to kid him that at our wedding he was prettier than the bride.

These nights I lay in bed begging the clock be turned back (now it's 31 days). I would be home that day. I would take him to the hospital and they would have time to save him.

I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I run out to the store hoping I don't see anyone I know. I just want to stay in bed and not do anything. I feel bad that my 4 kids 20-26 see me sad and crying so much. He would be so proud of them. They are fantastic. They've kept me from going over the edge. I know that must be very hard on them.

There are so many things I am suppose to take care of now but it is over whelming to think about.

I see him everywhere I look, in every song, in every room, in the yard, the garage... in every place I see our life together. I picture him smiling at me with a twinkle he always had in his eyes.

I'm only 54. The thought of living without him is too painful to bear.

Comments for my husband, my true love

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Feb 24, 2011
so sorry
by: Jackie

Hi, I lost my husband of 37 years in October and I am 57.This new life sucks. I am so sorry for your loss. My friends try to be supportive, but they don't get it. We all do. Whether our spouses depart this life suddenly or after a long illness, it is still horrible. We will all survive by being here for each other. I think of my husband every minute of every day, it's like I can't think of anything else. I am so lost and lonely. We are here for you, take care of yourself.

Feb 23, 2011
Your Soulmate
by: Anonymous

Oh Darling, i am so sorry. I lost my soulmate two weeks ago too,and i am in utter despair. If i could, i'd wrap my arms around you and cry rivers with you. Please please please know that someone somewhere does care. God bless you, Love. xxx

Feb 23, 2011
I know the feeling
by: Chris

My husband at the age of 45 passed away 10 weeks ago and left us. We have 3 children 12, 10, 8. I am so lost, I can not even function anymore. For 16 years this man was my everything and I don't even know who I am anymore. I am a nurse was there when my husband fell and I could not save him. Everyday i sit and stare at the spot where he laid and I did CPR and it didn't work. I keep asking myself why, would god take this man away from me and his family. I really don't know how this will ever get better. I feel for you and pray for you, the first 10 weeks I walked around in a fog, now I am so sad and angry i don't know where to turn anymore. My prayers are with you.

Feb 22, 2011
I lost my ONE true Love also
by: Michele

Reading your post...I see so many parallels to my own situation.........For me its only been a week...he was killed in a tragic fatal car crash on Valentines day. But I see him everywhere I look...hes my every thought...when i wake up there he is....when I go to bed....he's right there in my mind....I sleep with our photo beside my bed...and I sleep with the shirt he wore the night before he was killed...I can still smell him.....The pain has been worse than any I have ever known. I am still in the numb stage....but I find myself feeling some anger here and there....I'm only 43 and i have no idea where my life is going to go next....he WAS my life..we did everything together.

You are not alone here....I feel your pain. Trust in God...that faith...my family and friends are the only things that got me this far...God will get us thru this I have to believe that....I just cant see it yet.

Feb 22, 2011
I too lost my true love
by: Anonymous

I read your post and could have written alot of it myself. 4 weeks ago my husband, best friend, love and partner in life died. I feel as you do, lost and unsure how I'm supposed to live a life without him. He was my world, the love of my life and the pain of this loss is deeper than any physical pain I have ever experienced. Our 4 children are strong and are a huge support, but at night I'm alone. He is everywhere I look, every thought I think is interrupted by my grief of his loss. I'm told that this process will be painful but that there will be a life after it. I don't know you, but the parallel of our loss lets me know that I am not alone. I will keep you in my prayers....

Feb 22, 2011
so so sorry
by:

Mary,

I know how unreal that it all is. I know that I still see people that remind me of Paul. Not that they look like him, just remind me of him somehow. Just seeing a truck, a working man in dickies makes me think of my hard working wonderful husband that I no longer have. It was all that I could do to even admit that I was not married. Of course I am married, I did not divorce him. You are just beginning the long journey of grief. Come here often talk to us we are here always...
HH

Feb 22, 2011
Our reason for living , Our loves
by: Judith

Hi Mary, I feel for you and relate to all of your thoughts and feelings. It's been a little over 5 months for me. We weren't supposed to have them taken so early. Hell, 50 years would have been too soon for him to pass. I needed him longer.
You will become stronger each day and each day you will amaze yourself at what you can do.

You are only 54 and have so much ahead of you , if you want it. God may have other plans for you and all of us. We just have to be open and listening.

I pray for peace for you and all of us who have come here and will eventually have to.

Take care of yourself. It's what you must do. The rest of the time do and feel what you must and want.

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