My husband of 9 years told me he does not love me anymore....and wants a seperation so that he can experience the "single life" again...

by Heart Broken Mom
(Long Island, New York)

I have been married for 9 years to a man that happens to share my birthday. When we met it was love at first sight. We got engaged 8 months after we met and waited another two years to get married. In the years that followed we had two beautiful children who are now 8 and 3. Life was busy, I work full time, went back for a 2nd master's degree, he got his bachelor's degree and we bought a house together. Although we had nasty fights from time to time I continued to love him throughout and thought to myself that when the children get older it will get better. We will be close again. He is two years older than me and works a typical job during the day, however his real passion is music and drums. That's what really attracted me to him. Little did I know the one thing that attracted me to him would be our eventual downfall.

Two years ago he told me that he would like to form a cover band. I supported it and thought to myself, this would be good, by him being passionate about something, I would have a happier husband that comes home to me each night. One band became two and yet I continued to support it. He worked most weekends and I took on the role of a single parent but thought he was doing this to help the family out monetarily. So I did not question. Many of my friends supported him by going to his gigs and I too would go from time to time to support him, I was so proud of him, watching him up there and I knew he was the happiest doing that and being with me and his children (so I thought). I could not go to all of the gigs but my friends did. Over the course of the last 3 months I suspected something was going on but did not say anything because I did not want him to think that I doubted our trust in one another.

Last Thursday, I suspected that something had changed between us. He grew distant, picked fights with me for no reason and kept telling me that he was not happy. In fact he was never home. I did not tell anyone thinking he was going through some sort of male crisis and he would come out of it. (He is not thrilled with his day job) so I thought that it primarily stemmed from that and that he was passed over within his company for two advancements. Needless to say he was very bitter.

What I did not know was that he was meeting with a lawyer without my knowledge. I found a card in his wallet. I was shocked, I woke him up and he confessed that he was done with this marriage and he had had enough. I experienced every emotion possible, I tried to seduce him thinking that would help but he resisted. That was a Thursday, the following Tuesday really destroyed any hope for reconciliation.

He was sleeping on the couch and I went out and told him that I agreed to the trial seperation (relunctantly) however he ket forcing this stipulation of having the freedom to be with other people. I kept asking myself why would he want this if he told me he just wants a break to figure things out? So after our talk, he got up to go to the bathroom and I picked up his cell phone so that it would not break. He must have left the texts on because what I saw made the floor come out from under me. They were sexual explicit messages between the lead singer in his band and himself. I confronted him and he told me that I was crazy and I did not read that. That I was going crazy. What actually happened was he erased the messages so that I could not see them again. I kicked him out of the house. the onlly regret I have is that the children saw this and they are ok I think 5 days later but I am going to seek a counselor for them.

I know he has feelings for her and is focusing on a relationship with her. I am very conservative, I work in a conservative industry where people depend on me, and I am not filled with tattoos, piercings and wear flashy clothing, I am the girl you bring home to mom so to speak. But yet he is attracted to that. She has three children from two different fathers and is currently on welfare. But yet, that is what he wants.

Since Tuesday, it is now Sunday (5 days) I have not slept much, I do not eat, by day I go on as if nothing happened but the nights are hard, I sob and cry in frustration and anger. How could this have happened to me? I am intelligant, people tell me I am fun to be around.....

Our issues stemmed from the fact that I did not give him the attention that he needed, he worked so much we rarely had sex, I made more money then him (double his salary) - he hated that I was the "bread winner" and we rarely communicated. I hated that he went out so much too even though I relunctantly supported it.

I know a year from now that things WILL be better, I have found God again, I have a loving supportive family and groups of friends that I consider family. I am meeting with my marriage counselor alone tommorow and will do so every week until I am a whole person again. I just hate the thought that he still has to be in my life for the sake of the kids.

I would appreciate any advice from anyone has gone through this agony. It really feels as though he has died, he is not the same person that I thought he was.

Comments for My husband of 9 years told me he does not love me anymore....and wants a seperation so that he can experience the "single life" again...

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Oct 02, 2014
My husband of 9 years told me he does not love me anymore....and wants a separation so that he can experience the
by: Doreen UK

From reading your story you did not deserve to be treated the way you were with distance and very little respect if any. Your husband was and is just plain SELFISH. Concerned only about his own happiness and not yours or his children. It has a lot to do with the MATURITY level of your husband. He mixed in circles that probably made him feel alive and when one is on to a good thing they want it all the time. But it isn't reality. It is a make believe sort of life that will end with him becoming disillusioned in time. What would be a mistake is for you to take him back into your life and let him sweet talk you into how wrong he was. You would have to take into consideration what is best for your children being exposed to the immature person their father was. Don't bad mouth him but just offer him respect as much as you can and let him see his children. Because your post is 2yrs. ago you probably have moved on with your life and it has gotten easier. What can a wife do if her husband wants to go off and find his happiness in music or what he loves. She supports him, and when it goes wrong she is the one who is left feeling guilty. It is a common problem and scenario. Glad you are in counselling. It worked for me and I am as happy as I can be despite losing my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 2yrs. ago. I have the freedom to make my life what I want it to be with no complications. Knowing God is what makes life better and glad to know you have found God and have Him in your life. Walking with God each day will help you Heal and redirect your life in a way that will bring you fulfillment and happiness. I hope life does get better for you in time and you can find the happiness that comes with being in relationship with someone who can make the loneliness of a break up better through being a faithful companion.

May 11, 2012
good luck
by: Anonymous

Surf the net, read, exercise, keep busy, hang out with friends and be very very kind to yourself and don't take on his stuff. It's so hard, I am going through an out of the blue break up, but I suppose its just one foot in front of the other and focusing on yourself for now? Big love.

May 10, 2012
by: Anonymous

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