My Husband Steve

by Melody
(North Carolina)

On Oct 4 after a long battle with diabetes, cancer and kidney failure I lost the love of my life, Steve. He was my rock and I knew from the first time I met him we were meant to be together. Nov 24 will be our 40th anniversary and I don't know how I will get through that day. Our 2 sons and their families have been a great source of comfort for me, but even they don't know the nights I cry and scream. I retired 2 years ago to be with him, and will never regret that as we had some of the best talks of our whole marriage during those days, but now I need something to occupy my days. Have a lead on a part time job, but even that is iffy. Steve made the decision to come off dialysis as the pain was so bad. He was completely at peace with his decision and knew he would be with the Lord soon. I however never got to being at peace with it. Sometimes as unlogical as it is I am mad at him for making the decision to "leave me." The aloneness is what gets me the most, even when I am around others. I keep praying and hoping that this fog will lift and I can begin to heal. I understand what people say about others telling or thinking that its time to get on with life. If only they knew what they were asking. I know with the Lord's help I will survive this, but some days it seems so far away.

Comments for My Husband Steve

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Dec 16, 2013
This Grief
by: Melody

Thanks all of you for your understanding comments. I am still missing Steve so much. I did
take his clothes to Goodwill a couple of weeks ago, but all the tools, gadgets and cars are still here. Got the part time job with a CPA and will begin working after the New Year. Went to see our grandsons in their churchs Christmas play last night and teared up when our grandson sang a solo, Steve would have so loved hearing him. I think maybe he did. Life is going on and my family church and friends have been a comfort. Hope you all have a Good good as it can be.

Nov 13, 2013
by: Lawrence

Yes, it’s the loneliness that is the worst part of losing a beloved partner.
Don’t be mad at Steve, he made the decision that was right for him. There must come a time when the pain gets so bad that death is preferable, even though he loved you with all his heart, so please forgive him.
I am sitting here typing this comment to you, alone in an empty house, still heartbroken and tearful after losing my cherished wife eleven months ago after a lifetime together, still waiting for the pain to go and slowly realizing it never will completely.
I know what you mean when you say you were meant to be together.
I took one look at this pretty fourteen year old girl at the local youth club, we exchanged glances and we both knew in that instant that we would spend the rest of our lives together, I was fifteen and we had a wonderful seventy years of exquisite happiness for which I thank God for daily, she was the first girl I ever kissed and the last on her deathbed, I have no desire to kiss anybody else..
Cherish your family, they are the fruit of your love and believe me the fog soon will lift and you will begin to heal but Steve will always be in your heart.
Our prayers are with you.

Nov 13, 2013
My Husband Steve
by: Doreen UK

Melody I am so sorry for your loss of your husband Steve from cancer and diabetes, and all sicknesses that came from that. This type of grief is the most awful pain ever. You can't even try to imagine this so no one should tell you to move on and when. This is the worst advice ever. Grief takes time to recover from and is a slow process of healing. I was also married to a man called Steve and we were married 44yrs. and He was the love of my life. My first love and my last. I lost him to lung cancer caused by working with asbestos. I nursed Steve for 3yrs.39days and he died 18 months ago. I know all about the LONLINESS and ALONESS. Best way forward is TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. Also helpful is NURTURING yourself. Do this every day and build yourself up. Treat yourself extra special. This really does help to cope with grief. I then in time changed my FOCUS. I am retired so Have time on my hands. I work when I am able to and leave what I can't do till I am able to do this. I was so numb with grief in the first months and so this was when I packed all my Steve's clothes and gave them to charity. All the other personal effects I have put in his log cabin. Don't know when I will be able to tackle this job. I knew my Steve was not coming back and he wouldn't use these clothes. BUT IT HURTS SO MUCH DOING THIS. I then with the help of my son-in-law cleared out my husband's garage. I gave most of everything to my son-in-law. he will treasure these items. But it was so very hard to do. I had to swallow hard and detach myself from what I was doing. My Steve's work shoes and new boots were sitting on a shelf in the garage so also was 3 pairs of cowboy boots. and a new pair of shoes. These are the painful jobs one has to do. I know how you feel even if we have our own individual journey of grief. The pain is the same so also is the experience of what we feel and what we have to do with personal belongings. If you can get a job this will help you as it will be a good diversion and work is the best think I know to help one move forward. But take time to cry, as this is how you will heal. I am sorry for your loss. May God comfort you and give you His Peace.

Nov 12, 2013
I'm so sorry
by: greg

Truth is I tried to not read your post because I don't know what I could do if I lost my Allyson.

Look to your family and know that it's a reflection of Steve's love, faith and commitment to you. Feel your pain, break the dishes if it's what feels right, but most of all use your families support. If it means anything, you're in my prayers.

God bless and take care.

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