My husband was an alcoholic, cheated and left me

by Teresa
(Uk)

Don't know where to start. 1 year after the breakdown of my marriage I remain in pain. I was with my husband for 9 years and we have two small children together. He was married before and his ex wife suddenly left him although it is thought it was because of his alcohol addiction. He used to be my best friend from school and although I saw his drink problem when i met him, because I dumped him after 3 months he significantly cut down so it wasn't a problem. His friends commented how they have never seen him truly love before.... Until me. We fell head over heals and he made so many promised of never to hurt me or cheat. He knew I was scared as my first husband cheated and hit me. He vowed that I couldn't go wrong with him. He used to bey best friend and I believed him.

I then fell pregnant as planned and went on to have 2 children. The minute I fell pregnant his drinking escalated. His personality changed in which one minute he wanted us to be together, then the next minute he was abusive to my children From my first marriage.... Calling my son a useless waste of his dads s****. He called me the c word and then blamed us all for everything and left to go on 3 day binges. This happened every 3 months but the verbal abuse continued in between. When he used to come back he would say he came back as I felt sorry for him.

I had enough and have him a choice.... Booze or his family. He went to live with his sister to come off the booze as he claimed. He came home and was acting strange and guilty. He left his phone on the side when he had a bath and I saw texts from another woman saying she loved making love to him. This killed me.

Instead of begging and pleading he packed his stuff and left. He got a flat and told his parents it was a short tenancy and he was coming home. I told his parents he was an alcoholic who cheated on me and they refused to believe me ..... Instead listening to his story of putting up with my disrespectful teenagers. I told them it's a lie and my kids were now old enough to answer h back when HE used them.

Him and the woman he cheated on me with didn't last. He kept texting and phoning telling me not to get a boyfriend as he was coming home and was working on quitting the booze. However I found out 2.5 months after we split that he had met an alcoholic woman who is on benefits, immense acne scaring and is the village bike!! That is what he has chose to be with.

I am pretty,tall, earn a high wage, loved him, focused on his needs, in fact his friends think he is totally mad as they know I didn't put a foot wrong in the relationship.... I just couldn't watch him drink himself to death anymore. For that he punished me and told me to die of cancer when I found out about his alcoholic girl friend.

He is still with her and I remain loving him in silence. I have blocked him from contacting me. He picks the kids up from my friends as I will not allow him near me. I got left to take our children on my own to Taiwan for a month ... Our holiday. He has shown zero remorse, he wants me to die, he used to threaten to come and ruin my life (out the blue before I blocked him). He parties with his alcoholic gf and is supported by his enabling family and his sister who is a heavy drinker. My ex drank 7 days a week, drank drive and his hands shook violently by mid morning .

I can't get over what he has done . Not once has he looked back. I cant date as I love him. I hear about his happy life while I wallow in pain. Why does he get to be happy after what he did? I go for counselling and he got to hear about it and told me 'you still want me back lol and you need to get your money back from your counsellor as it's not working' .

I focus on me but I can't see myself loving again. I am numb and still cry. He never told me what I did wrong..... I just get his friends telling me now and again his gf is hideous and he made a mistake leaving me.

My self esteem is shot.... I have none. To leave me for such a poor quality woman makes me feel worthless. He is going on holiday with her, his Facebook is full of how happy he is, whereas I suffer as I truly loved him. All his needs and wants came first.... Never mine. I have nightmares. I don't know what to do and am still in grief. I am angry god has allowed such an evil narcissistic person to be happy whereas I suffer. I have put him on a pedestal but can't take him off. Never ever have I met someone so truly evil and yet I miss him and want him back. If this is how my life is going to be then I don't want it. It's awful .

Comments for My husband was an alcoholic, cheated and left me

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Jun 24, 2014
My husband was an alcoholic, cheated and left me
by: Doreen UK

Teresa Don't think that our replies to you are harsh and we don't understand how you feel.
You are remembering the old husband and not what he became. This is the thinking that needs to change. Not what your EX used to be, but what he has become. Children need good role models and you are one. I applaud you for this and for taking control and moving away from the relatives 3 doors away. What you need to do now is to relinquish TOTAL CONTACT in any shape or form with your EX. He will destroy you if you continue to be interested in what is happening in his life. Don't FOCUS on the fact that your EX is not having problems and you are having them all and stating all the good you do.
I applaud you for the type of job you do. For still providing for your children and making a better life for them. For caring for the homeless and looking out for their needs.
Often when one like you does good works you can have a raw deal in life and have more difficulties. This is the way of the Cross of Christ when you do the right things. Don't look at your EX and say that he is evil and see his prosperity because the Bible covers this. God says. "Fret not because of evildoers, because they will be cut down." "Don't marvel at the prosperity of the wicked for they shall soon lose their riches." What is important is getting good people and God on your side and trying to put good values in your children. Stay with God and you will be a winner. Get Church support. And don't look back. Look forward. I have been where you are in thinking. But counselling changed my way of thinking and my outlook on life and I live my life with Integrity, and God's wisdom. Your difficulties in life will at least help you MATURE. Often it is a lack of maturity that will cause you to want the old EX back the way he was. Difficulties come to make us stronger, and MATURE. I wish you every success in life and a future making better choices and decisions to make your life and your children's more secure and happier. I hope any update post from you will reflect those choices and decisions you made that helped you move forward into a better life. Best wishes.

Jun 23, 2014
My husband was an alcoholic, cheated and left me
by: Doreen UK

Teresa Don't think that our replies to you are harsh and we don't understand how you feel.
You are remembering the old husband and not what he became. This is the thinking that needs to change. Not what your EX used to be, but what he has become. Children need good role models and you are one. I applaud you for this and for taking control and moving away from the relatives 3 doors away. What you need to do now is to relinquish TOTAL CONTACT in any shape or form with your EX. He will destroy you if you continue to be interested in what is happening in his life. Don't FOCUS on the fact that your EX is not having problems and you are having them all and stating all the good you do.
I applaud you for the type of job you do. For still providing for your children and making a better life for them. For caring for the homeless and looking out for their needs.
Often when one like you does good works you can have a raw deal in life and have more difficulties. This is the way of the Cross of Christ when you do the right things. Don't look at your EX and say that he is evil and see his prosperity because the Bible covers this. God says. "Fret not because of evildoers, because they will be cut down." "Don't marvel at the prosperity of the wicked for they shall soon lose their riches." What is important is getting good people and God on your side and trying to put good values in your children. Stay with God and you will be a winner. Get Church support. And don't look back. Look forward. I have been where you are in thinking. But counselling changed my way of thinking and my outlook on life and I live my life with Integrity, and God's wisdom. Your difficulties in life will at least help you MATURE. Often it is a lack of maturity that will cause you to want the old EX back the way he was. Difficulties come to make us stronger, and MATURE. I wish you every success in life and a future making better choices and decisions to make your life and your children's more secure and happier. I hope any update post from you will reflect those choices and decisions you made that helped you move forward into a better life. Best wishes.

Jun 21, 2014
learn the lesson
by: Anonymous

You are in the drivers seat for your life. IF you set higher standards as to how you need to live and not faluter from them then you will not fail.
Begin by saying and thinking positive thoughts. I can, I can, I can, until it becomes a part of you.

You talk as if you have no control. One thing you need to know is that you can't control others only yourself.

Please promise to protect your children as well as yourself from anymore abusve men or people.

Millions of other women have gone through this too but most choose to gain strentgh from it and move on to better lives and healthier relationships. You aren't alone. Why do you need to hear this ? You already knew it.

God is sending you guidance through everyone of the replies on this site.

Jun 20, 2014
take a good look at your life
by: Anonymous--MI

Teresa, instead of repeating the same things that keep you in turmoil take a good look at your life. You apparently have good health and a good job to provide for yourself and your children. Get down on your knees and thank God that you have the resources to make a better life for yourself. At times, in your post, you sound like you WANT to stay in this limbo way of living. Try to think of your children and do what is right for them. Look to God for direction and lift yourself up and out of this decaying self pity. You have a lot to be thankful for.

Jun 20, 2014
Hoping to help
by: Judith in California

With your back ground Teresa, it's not a question of why but why not that you have chosen abusive men. The one thing you can do is get a restraining order on him for you and your children. Let the police know of his stalking you.
Then find a therapist who can counsel you and your children. They may seem happy but believe me, they have witnessed enough to make them feel bad too. Do you actually talk to them and ask them honestly what they feel. Can they verbalize exactly what they felt when in that house with an abusive alcoholic?

It is normal to miss the man who you wanted him to be but you can't miss the reality of who he is now. Put it behind you. Snap a rubber band on your wrist real hard every time you think about him to remind you of the hurt he caused.

Please stop being angry with God. He did not put your ex in a happy relationship. Do you really think an alcoholic couple are happy?!! They are only enabling one another in their miserable lives.. Think straight.
She and he are no longer your concern.

Teresa, you are stronger than you know. God will see you through this but you have to help too.

I share these thing with you because of experience. I'm not judging rather than hoping you will see that someone else has been there and survived. A lot of women have but we have to face the truth about ourselves in order to become a stronger more independent woman.

A lot of women would be grateful for a man like that to leave her to peace and quiet so her should can rest knowing her children no longer will endure seeing their mother abused.

No more cant's from you. YOU CAN!

I hope to read on here one day that you have done it.

Jun 20, 2014
Alcoholic left me
by: Teresa

Hi sorry I forgot to add.... I didn't try to remain in his life. It was him remaining in mine by phoning, texting, telling me he was getting help for drinking, that he was coming home to his family, asking me not to get a boyfriend... It was me telling him he was never coming back as a drinker. It was his friend who told me about the other woman and I cut all contact the minute I found out about her and that he was still drinking. It has been him sending me random texts that he is going to ruin my life ever since I cut contact.... All contact was initiated by him ..... So I just totally blocked his number to stop him. It was never me trying to stay in his life it was him trying to stay in mine by dangling carrots and giving me false hope when all along he was still drinking .

I read what he has done and you are right.... Why would I want that back. I just need to hear from you all that I deserve better and that I was right to tell him he wasn't coming home as a drinker and that there's hope for me to have a happy life. Please help as I don't really see my parents and have isolated myself from our joint friends. I just need to know that I will get over this. It's frightening when I read that some women haven't got over their exes from years and years ago.

Jun 20, 2014
My response.... Sorry new to this site
by: Teresa

Hi both thanks for the response. It was when he started one kids, was when I told him no drink no more in my house and that's when he moved to his sisters initially. I suppose what I focus on is I know the old him.... The one who would never insult my children and that's what I wanted back .... Not the abusive 7 day a week alcoholic he turned into. I know the old him .... Until alcohol took his personality. He never used to be abusive but alcoholism is progressive and his personality has totally changed. It's the husband I remember I wanted back.

I wouldn't have him back as a drinker. Yes I love him but I love the 'old' him the one I fell in love with not the evil person he has become. My kids area priority that's why I told him no more drink in my house.

I miss the old him. It was me he blocked him and cut him out if my life. You are both right but it's hard to understand how a man can chose alcohol and an alcoholic gf over his wife and kids rather than giving up the booze. I imagined he would come off the booze and I would have my 'old' husband back.... The person he used to be. It's hard knowing that he thought that me and the kids were not worth giving up the booze for. That's why my self esteem is battered as wouldn't anyone feel worthless if their husband left them for booze and an alcoholic woman?

I am lucky with my job and I can provide for my kids. I earn a lot. I am moving house as well In 4 weeks to get away from his family who live 3 doors away. It's a fresh start for me and kids. I have my health and my kids are happy. It's just that last year has been horrific .... Daughter had bone cyst that broke her leg and had to go through cancer tests, I have had to have 2 serious tests but luckily it's none cancerous and there is a lot more..... Just seems to be one thing after another yet he has ZERO problems. He is evil and despite him knowing what I have been through he laughs at me saying counseling isn't working so I blocked him.

I know god took him away as I couldn't take much more. I was a shell of a person when I was with him but i am a lot better. Can't help loving the 'old' him ... But he has gone.

I really am a good person. My job is all about controlling funding for the government for homeless and vulnerable people. I worry about others and I genuinely care, I donated all our expensive furniture to a homeless man rather than selling it.... I give give give all the time so I am angry as god knows how much I go for others and yet I constantly have pain and anguish in life. I went from a husband that battered me and cheated to a second abusive cheating husband.

I only want to be happy.... That's all. I resent that god allows him to be happy. I am sorry if this sounds bitter and resentful but I just want some happiness in my life. I have alcoholic parents and left home at 16 to get away from the arguing. I had a bad childhood, met my first husband at 19 and been abused since. I am now 40. My life has been a constant struggle and I have simply had enough

Jun 20, 2014
Wake up
by: judith in California

A foot note to my previous comment.
What you did wrong was try and remain in his life when he didn't want you any more.

Replace those cant's in your letter to cans . You can move on, you can love again ( a more worthy person) . You can do anything you choose to do. Can't is a child's word. They say it when they don't want to do something. Become strong. Say positive things to yourself and make promises to your children to do better for them. Learn to respect yourself and your children and NEVER allow a man to mistreat and disrespect you or them again!

Do the hard work on yourself to improve. The hurt you feel now is not worse than the hurt you and your children have already been through. Don't ever let your children around a man who would kill their self esteem. And most of all don't let them think this type of behavior s is normal and okay. You don't want your sons to go on and treat women like that because they saw a man mistreat you?
You best buck up and stop feeling sorry for yourself and begin thinking for your children's sake.
Prayerfully you will feel you deserve better in life and most importantly so do your children.

Never speak to that man again or allow him near your children.


Jun 20, 2014
Wake Up
by: Judith in California

Teresa, let me tell you right now to STOP IT! God has been trying all along to tell you this man is not right for you... but you just refuse to listen and take heed to the warnign signs.

ONE, your main job was to protect your children from this abusive man. WHy do you miss a man who verbally abused your children?!!! That is first and foremost a deal breaker. No Mother should allow a man do that to her children.
TWO,You could have prevented all the wrongs that you allowed (not God). YOU are in charge of you. You set the boundaries and standards in which you will allow and live by.

How can you say you want a man back that did all that to you?!! ALL for the sake of you having low self esteem? At what costs? IF you keep a man as that in your life you run the risk of your children suffering more crap and that would be negligent on your part and they could end up hating you for not protecting them.

Your concern should not be who he left you for but that he is finally out of your life and you can move on and get healthy an for your children and yourself.

It's time to come out of your fog and do what is right and healthy for yourself and your children. Stop being a door mat.
Read your letter back to yourself again and agian until you realize how awful it sounds that you can say you still love him. You will hopefully come to your senses and say thank God he is gone and fell sorry for whoever he is with.

Don't alienate your children form you for a piece of garbage.



Jun 20, 2014
My husband was an alcoholic, cheated and left me.
by: Doreen UK

Teresa Life is so unfair. Often when one does the right thing they can get a worse deal out of life. But you did the right thing by now going to counselling and trying to heal from all these disasters. The way you feel now is because you have no self-esteem and your problems will seem as if they are magnified. If anything after counselling you will see things more different. just don't give up counselling or be talked out of it. It takes a long time in counselling to resolve pain and issues. But worth the investment. When the healing starts you will see things better, from the way you are feeling now. You need to get your thought life sorted first. Refuse to hear things about your EX and how good life is for him just now. Under the surface it may not be that rosy. Don't listen to your EX trying to get back with you. You will just be prolonging your misery. FOCUS on you and counselling. Don't do a mental journey into how he is having a good life whilst you are miserable. Evil people are all around us and doing well. But wouldn't you rather live life with Integrity and self respect. Take the focus off what you have lost and think of what you can gain in the future. Changing your thinking will help you. First start by pampering yourself each day. Buy some flowers for yourself. Get a new hair do. Just anything to build yourself up. Your self esteem will rise from what you do for yourself and what your counselling will do. When you move forward you will be able to make better choices and not be attracted to men who abuse you. It is a cycle that needs to be broken. Make a contract for your life and make it happen. Just don't go back to your old haunts with your EX. You have a window on your world. You get to decide how and what you want out of life. You will one day have peace of mind and find happiness. When you do you will look back and be stronger in the places you were once weak. When you lose interest in having your EX back in your life you will know you are on to being a WINNER. Often we can love people from afar and learn to let them go. You could do with a break so plan a holiday for yourself and you will come back REFRESHED and see your world so different from what it is now. I have done the counselling bit. I got my life back and it is amazing how I feel now. I know where you are at now. I also know where you can be after counselling and how amazing your life can be in the future. You will move forward and You will reclaim your life back. Just keep blocking out your EX and other people from informing you of Him and his life. Let today be the start of the FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. With a clean SLATE. You just need the confidence to see your world different. You are in control and you can make your life a fun experience by what you put in your life. Look Up and not down. Best wishes.

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