My husband was taken away, too early
by Donna Walker
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I lost my husband on Feb. 06, 2012. Jerry, my husband was fighting a battle that he lost only with his body because his mind and heart stayed fighting until the very end. He was diagnosed with colorectal cancer on April 4, 2011; the cancer had no intentions of staying in one place and he died of Metastatic Colorectal Cancer, he was only 35. When he took his last breath of life I was there holding his hand telling him it was ok to go, and knew it was in my head but heart wanted him to stay with me because I did not want to be without him. One of the hardest struggles I’ve found about my husband passing away is the life I had before pretty much dies with him. The hopes, dreams and plans that we made as a couple passed over along with my husband. Every fiber of my being has been changed because he is no longer here for me to love or be loved by him. At first, his death left the obvious holes; no more him, no more seeing, smelling, holding, or sharing with him. I feel as though when more time passes, more holes will appear: no one to help with the kids, no one to help with the house and no one to talk to in the intimate way I could talk to him. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so completely alone. I don’t think I’ve ever felt the weight of loneliness and emptiness as I do now. Then our lives, our hopes, and dreams were obliterated. In the year prior to his illness, we were coming into a solid comfort zone in life. We were happy with our jobs, our family life, and our marriage. We were married for a very short 3 years, and 3 weeks shy of 4 years. But, we had been together for 3 years before then. We met each other at our job and miraculously were happy with each other. We appreciated who we had become. So, he dies. I’m still here. I am left to walk the earth without him and to carry on the plan. Carry on the plan…? I now have to realize that I cannot carry on our plan alone and to come to grips with the fact that I need to create new plans. I need to dream and hope without him. I don’t like this and I will not go this direction without kicking and screaming for my old dreams, my old hopes, and my old life. My future is going to be a very difficult thing for me to let go by the wayside. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to do all this again. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to do this alone. I don’t think it’s fair that I am left with my hopes and dreams shattered in pieces on the floor. I always thought that I was pretty independent, but I long for that feeling of being part of someone else’s life so much. I miss finishing each other's sentences, knowing each other's thoughts without even having to speak. I was truly blessed for the wonderful years we had together, but I am heartbroken that it had to end too soon.