My husband's father

by VCJ


My husband and I were married August 11, 2012 and unfortunatly exactly 2 weeks later his father passed away from a heart attack while we were away on our honey moon. I can tell my husband is not grieving as he should. He pretends he is ok but I know he is not. I lost my mother 3 years ago and there isn't a day that goes by that I do not think of her. I've learned to deal with the pain that never leaves...but I know I'm not the same person as I used to be either. Because I went thru this I assumed I could be his rock like he was for me. But I don't think I'm doing a good job. He is angry alot and sometimes just rude. Alot of times I stay quiet because I know he's grieving and not himself, but sometimes I just had enough and I give in to his anger and argue back. I am wrong for this and I feel so guilty when it happens. I google sites everyday of ideas to be the supportive wife I should be. We moved in to our new home the same week his father passed and I've tried my best to take care of all the details so he can be with his mother and sister. I've asked him to bring his mother to live with us and also if he wants to stay with his mother its ok with me. I understand wanting to be with his mom all the time and I'm ok with that, but he thinks his responsibility is with me as my husband. I've tried numerous of times but he just gets angry so I've left it alone. My husband's birthday is next week and he has told me not to do anything...not even a cake. But I feel like he needs this, like it would be something cheerful for him. I want to make dinner for him and have his family and my family come over...nothing big or fancy or loud. But his insists on nothing...what should I do? Please give me advice on what the right thing to do is? I love my husband too much that I'm afraid of upsetting him again or doing something disrespectful.

Comments for My husband's father

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Oct 11, 2012
My husband's father
by: Doreen U.K.

VCJ You are a newly married wife. You are doing your very best to be a good wife and supportive to your husband. But you are also trying to be the PERFECT WIFE who does everything right, and not to upset your new husband. This will put pressure on you to measure up all the time. You are trying to do the right thing by offering to look after your mother-in-law because it is not only the right thing to do by offering. But you are trying once more to please your new husband. This is probably what is making your husband angry. You are constantly offering suggestions when he is trying to process his loss and perhaps just wants to be left alone.
You will in time learn what your husband's needs are. RELAX. Don't try too hard to do the right thing. You will feel like you are FAILING if things go wrong. there is no right or wrong way. Grief is such that it takes each one of us off in different directions.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. marriage 5 months ago from cancer. It is the worst experience of my life. I am feeling the loss so deeply. Steve was my "HEARTBEAT." I feel so LOST without him. My husband was a Gentle Passive Loving Man. Cancer made him become ANGRY and BITTER, and he made me cry often. I understood that it was the cancer that had changed him. But I did feel angry and wanted to lash out and argue with him. I left the room. Cried a lot. Came back in and nursed him through this cancer. I was committed to Steve. I didn't always do everything right. Steve lost his taste due to the Chemotherpay and Radiotherapy in the early days. I tried often to cook him what he liked. He acted ungreatful with a hound dog look as if He was greatly displeased with me. Again it was the cancer causing his personality to change. I had to overlook a lot. you will in time KNOW your Husband's habits and personality and accommodate this. None of us knows how we will behave when we are grieving. Just sit with your husband. BE QUIET. If this is what is required. Try and not offer any suggestions. Just be supportive as you can learning what His needs are. In marriage you are both learning about each other. Sadly you have had to learn the hard way through a Sudden Death. You can keep a journal and write down all your angry and hurt feelings. That way you will expel them in a safe place. You will also be acting in a creative way for yourself. I don't think you are taking care of your own self/Grief. You are becoming more concerned about everyone else. You will learn to be Balanced in time. I wish for you better days ahead in your grief journey, Peace and Comfort in your grief, and A Long and Happy Marriage.

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