My identical twin sister passed away, I wish I was told she only had three days to live.

Four weeks ago my identical twin sister passed away. She was 51 years old. I wasn't told she only had three days to live, I was just told she was dead. My parents were told at the hospital she had 3 days to live because her organs were failing and didn't even call me to let me know. I had been mad at her for the last four months and wasn't talking to her like I used to. We did this from time to time and I had no reason to think we wouldn't start talking and hanging out again like usual. My parents choose not to call me, so I never knew she was dying. I was denied the right to apologize, tell her I love her, hold her hand and be with her when she passed. I didn't want her to die thinking I was still mad at her or being lonely. Because my parents not only didn't tell me she was dying, they didn't tell her four children. They also didn't stay with her in the hospital. They drove back to their home town to sleep and left her alone in the hospital to die.
This is how I found out she had died: My Mother called my husband on a Monday night to tell him that my sister had died and to find the right moment to tell me. He told me he told her I would see it on his face and he was right. I knew someone had died, just not her. I asked him if something happened to my father and he said no, it is your sister. I said is she dead? He said yes. I said did she kill herself? And he said no. (I asked this because she had been real depressed lately.) That’s when my world changed. First, my parents didn't want to tell me themselves that she died, they had to tell my husband.
I called my Father right after that to find out what happened this is what I was told: My Father went to her house on Saturday to help her pack some more stuff because she was in the process of moving. He found her in bed and said she couldn't feel or move her legs. He said he called my Mom to see what to do and she told him to call 911. Who doesn't call 911 first? He said the fire department came and searched the house, and then took her to a medical center. They did some tests and then sent her to a hospital. The hospital said she had inflamed pancreas, cirrhosis, gallstones and was bleeding internally from alcoholism, and probably had 3 days to live because her organs were shutting down. My Father then leaves her there, doesn't call any family members and drives home about 2 or 3 hours away. The next day, Sunday both my Mother and Father go to the hospital and another doctor confirms to them she was dying and did not have much longer to live. They again drive home, leaving her there by herself but did call one of her kids that evening. Just one. The next morning, Monday the hospital calls them and said she is not going to make it much longer to get there as soon as they can. They still don’t call me, but they called her other children and my older sister. My sister asked if they had called me and they told her they didn't want to ruin my vacation. (I was only 3 hours away and yes my sister should have called me too. I realize my family is really jacked up now after going thru this). Her kids went to the hospital and got to say their goodbyes before she passed. I was told by one of the kids that after she passed and they were waiting in the waiting room, my mother said to my father we should call (me). My niece said to them, you haven’t even told her twin yet? Still no call for hours, till they finally called my husband after they drove again 2 or 3 hours home.
I have cried so much, but I do know she is at peace and will no longer be unhappy or in pain. I have also gone to grief counseling but I can’t get over the anger I have at my parents for not telling me my identical twin was dying. I just can’t wrap my head around why you don’t call anyone, including her kids. I think it is to punish me for being mad at her the last four months and that they are ashamed that she died from alcoholism. My parents choose to deny me and my twin our last encounter together on this earth and I don’t think I can ever forget that. I hope I can someday forgive them, but it doesn't look like anytime soon for me. Now I am just so mad and hurt I can’t even talk to them. I am so sad that I could not tell her I love her, tell her I’m sorry and hold her hand.

Comments for My identical twin sister passed away, I wish I was told she only had three days to live.

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May 27, 2014
Don't give up! Life will get better in time.
by: Doreen UK

You will know in your heart and have a gut feeling about what to do. If you don't feel like going by the house, then don't. It will serve no purpose. TIMING is everything. You still may never be able to go.
Just don't feel any guilt if either of your parents die and you didn't go to see them or do the FORGIVENESS thing that may not be necessary. Because you have done nothing wrong.
When I was in counselling I was in turmoil not knowing who I had to forgive for what? Over time FORGIVENESS was never the issue as most of my anger evaporated and forgiveness never became an issue.
Your twin can't be hurt anymore. You owe it to yourself to find your own Peace from not being allowed to see your twin and talk to her to resolve your own personal issues, which is not your parents' business. There should have been boundaries that were respected. Your twin would have known you loved her. You shared a womb and a bond, and a history. Don't give up your therapy/counselling if it becomes painful. You may miss out on the amazing healing that can come from resolving your hurt and anger. Life will get better and you will move forward in ways you couldn't imagine. It is possible to reclaim your life and resolve your family dysfunction.

May 26, 2014
in response to
by: Anonymous

I want to thank you for your comments, it means a lot. I have tried to make small steps in going by their house a few times and calling but it is so upsetting every time I leave with a headache, high blood pressure and just shaking my head.
I don't think I can visit anymore.

Mar 10, 2014
My identical twin sister passed away, I wish I was told she only had three days to live.
by: Doreen UK

I am so sorry for your loss of your twin sister and for the loss of relationship with your parents. I cannot understand the thinking of parents at such a time as this. Parents would have at this time of their life become wiser and mature to make good decisions and choices. "What about doing the right thing?" Your parents must have deeper issues that kept them from doing the right thing. I am glad you are in counselling. With the right support you can move forward.
I went into counselling in my 40's and resolved 40yrs of repressed emotions and memories. It was the best investment I made. Up till then I struggled with FORGIVENESS. I didn't know who I had to forgive for what. With therapy my repressed anger dissolved and a lot of my un-forgiveness just evaporated and forgiveness never became an issue. I even found it easier to Let go of problems. Who knows what happens in families that don't resolve their issues and it just gets passed down through the generations. It then becomes more difficult for the succeeding generations to resolve issues and this creates years of hostility or just separation. It is cruel for parents to not tell family members that one of the family is dying or going to die.
My husband died of lung cancer 22 months ago. He knew I would have had trouble with his family wanting to make all the decisions, as culture and faith dictated. But he put a WILL in place to give me the final decision as to his funeral arrangements. His family believed in burial. Cremation to them brought a curse on the family. I knew my husband of 44yrs. well enough to know why he wanted to be cremated and understanding that I also respect his families wishes. I Respected his family's wishes and gave him a burial. I didn't feel guilty because I had my husband's permission according to His WILL. I feel content that I did the right thing. Had I made the wrong decision and gone with my own wishes and feelings I would have to live with this REGRET for the rest of my life. Your Parents will live with regret and guilt for the CHOICE they made to leave you out of the family and the knowledge that your sister was dying and now passed away. Keep a journal and write out all your hurt feelings. Even write letters to your parents in your journal expressing exactly how you feel and how they have made you feel. Let them know this was a despicable thing they did without compassion and they denied you this right. More so because she was your twin and shared your mother's womb. You can also interpret what you say in your journal, into a letter and mail it to your parents. No use them dying eventually thinking that what they did was right, with them bearing no responsibility for their actions. Let them know you may be angry with them for some time because they HURT YOU BY THEIR ACTIONS. I hope in time that you can move forward and reclaim your life and find happiness again WITH or WITHOUT your immediate family. Best wishes.

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