My Jimmy My heart

by Maria
(NC)


We were married at a very young age. I was 16 he was 19. No we didn't have to get married.. This month would of been our 36 year anniversary. Jimmy started getting constipated about a year ago. We tried all kinds of remedies. After always feeling constipated no matter what he said he thinks he needs to go to the doctor. I waited outside in the waiting room while he was examined. He texted me and said it was a boy and that I was the mother. We lol. He came out and said the doctor felt something and wanted him to have an ultra sound. So we went to the appt. The tech saw something and they wanted to do a CT right away they didn't want him to leave the building. We got the call that after noon to come in and see the dr. Oh no not a good sign. Jim we have set up an appointment for you to go to the surgeon in the morning. WE didn't think anything of it. Simple operation and your done.

We saw the doctor and as he looked over the CT he started shaking his head as he kept reading he kept shaking his head even more. Jim and I looked at each other and our hearts sank we knew then it wasn't good. Jim do you know what the test result are? No, the doctor just told us it looks like cysts. No it's not cysts. You have several masses. We need to do a biopsy.

The date was set. We may know the results that day what this is. Sorry we won't know the results today maybe in a few days. We call the doctor back do you have the results? No call back in a week. Let's set up an appt for next week the results should be in then. So we call before we are supposed to go in and still no results. Ok let's set up an appointment for another week. ok appointment set for sure they will be in by then. We get a call the next day we have the test results. The doctor has time within the next hour can you come in. Well ok, we are on the way. We get the new Spindle Cell Sarcoma with a secondary nerve sheath. In our words it started in his nerves in his back on the left hand side. We are referred to a surgeon. I might be able to operate but not at this time it's to big and wrapped around your Aorta in several spots. It's also wrapped around your kidney and pushed it up and out of the way of where the kidney normally lays. It's also wrapped around your intestine. Doc refers him to radiation doctor. No radiation it's to big and too many areas. Doc refers him to a chemo doctor. Didn't like her attitude. Only a 20 percent chance it will work.

Lets go for a second opinion. So we start the whole process over. We go to the head oncologist at one of the leading cancer centers. This doctor is the best. Ok so let go see him. Again we hear maybe a 20% chance it will work, maybe. So he starts chemo 1st round sick and weak and got a lung infection. Second round reduced the dosage. First scan after chemo. Some grew, one shrank a small amount. ok now what. The next round is a trial but it can make you very sick and could damage your heart.

What damage my heart that the only organ working good. We do research and make the decision to not go that round and let the doctor know he doesn't want that chemo. If I don't do the chemo how much time do I have 1 year at best. You need to go on hospice. OK really and you have to move to a bottom apart so you can get out and about when you feel up to it. Ok we do what we have to do.

Hospice gets set up. He asks the hospice nurse if he could do a road trip at the end of march. No you need to go now and you should fly. So we make arrangements and start our trip. I loose my wedding ring at the airport. Not the time to loose it. I am crushed my husband is sick and I loose my wedding ring. The people at the airport turn everything over. I mean they looked and looked and looked until they couldn't look anymore. jimmy says it's ok honey we have it insured. That's not the point. Its my ring! Ok what can we do we have to get on the plane. First part of the trip went well. We went by our old places where we grew up. Had fun he even won 500 dollars at Bingo he was thrilled. He played drums with my brother and we went to his favorite place to eat Famous Dave's a rib joint. We even brought some sauce home. The next leg of the trip is to our daughters.First part of the trip to our daughter was pretty good. I was sick with a cold and went straight to bed as soon as we got off the plane. Just as I start to feel better his belly is getting swollen and tight and he is having a hard time breathing. We are supposed to leave ion Tuesday but the Ice storm of the century hits Dallas of all places Dallas. So we are stuck. We call the hospice nurse and she comes over to evaluate him. He needs to go to the hospital and get the fluid drained off. So we did they took off nine pounds of fluid.

We finally make it out on Saturday a long trip when your husband is on morphine and other pain meds. We finally get home he is very tired and uncomfortable. I watch him over the night and he is restless. I could tell he wasn't there. I had to take a shower and asked him not to get up because he was unsteady. So I take a quick shower and come out to check on him and there he is sitting at the table going through misc papers. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was taking care of business. It took me a long time to convince him to get back in his chair and that everything was fine and that I would be ok. So we get in bed and he is restless all night. The next morning his is swollen again to the point to where he was a few days earlier when they drained off that 9 pounds of fluid. He is having problems breathing and getting uncomfortable. So the Hospice nurse comes out and says we need to go to the hospice facility. So we go and he is restless all night taking his clothes off pulling everything off him ripping out his IV. He finally settles down for a few hours then I get up to talk to the social worker. She says sometimes people pass away while their loved one go for a walk or go to the store, I am so glad we had that conversation. I went into the room and he said he had business to do. I said oh honey no you don't I am taking care of things. I will be alright. you just rest I love you and will be right back. I had to run to the house to get some money in the bank. I took a quick shower and the phone was ringing. It was Hospice. Jimmy passed away within 30 min of me being gone.

I was a reck. I had to have a friend walk me into the facility. I was so dazed and confused. I walked into his room and it didn't even look like him. If he didn't have his glasses on and I didn't trust the people who were there. I would of said this is NOT my husband.

But it was him he looked so hollow in the face. He was already cold. I didn't know it would happen so quick him getting cold. I kissed his lifeless head and told him I loved him and stroked his head and and told him I loved him and spent some time with him alone. Not really saying anything. Just being with him. I wish I would of stayed longer now. But I just couldn't then.

As I write this I am crying now and my heart hurts so much.I Want him back. But he is not coming back. I expect him to come through the door still. I roll over in bed and think he is there and he isn't. and again my heart breaks over and over again. I miss my guy of 38 years. Everybody said it would last. Well we were still married to our original partner and they had all divorced some of them many times over.

God gave us to each other at an early age. We loved each other through the good and the bad through the times of plenty and the slim times when all we had was oatmeal for a week solid breakfast lunch and dinner. I miss him and I am scared and I don't know who I am anymore and this totally sucks to have to go through this.

Comments for My Jimmy My heart

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Apr 21, 2011
Thank you for your encouragement
by: Maria

I was feeling so alone today, until I read your comments. Thank you for your support. I was going to a support group for people with cancer, now that just doesn't seem where I am supposed to be. I am in grief counseling. I don't have any family here in NC. I have some friends but I just feel so alone right now. Our Anniversary is monday the 25th. I wonder how I will cope that day. I have asked some friends to go to the beach with me. So far they all have commitments. I feel alone so alone. Yes there is people around me but no one can take his place. He was funny and played the guitar and would make up silly little love songs for me. Neither one of us could remember them. It was always spontaneous. so we didn't get a chance to record them. I haven't been able to feel his presence. But just as I say it I can feel him and feel his presence. My God I miss him. I still want him to come through the door. I still can't sleep without the tv on. Although I must say if I wake up I am able to turn it off now. I must seem to be rambling here. well it's off the grief counseling. Thanks again your comments have given my heart some hope.

Apr 20, 2011
I Know How You Feel
by: TrishJ

Maria~
Our situations are so similar~I know how you feel. My husband, Joe, passed away on December 3, 2010. We were married for 37 years. I was 19 when we met.
I know the frustration of fighting for your husband's life. We ended up at 4 different hospitals, so many different doctors I couldn't remember them all if I tried. I also know what you mean by "it not looking like" your husband. When we returned to the room after turning off my husband's heart device I knew his spirit was gone, no color, no warmth. Just a cold and empty shell.
Grieving takes a lot of work. We want our old lives back and we can't have them. We suddenly find ourselves forced with facing our future without our husbands. It's not easy to find the courage to move forward. It's been just over 4 months for me and sometimes I feel like I'm regressing instead of moving forward. Other days I feel like I CAN DO THIS! The roller coaster ride of emotions is completely normal. There are days when I don't want to look at anyone ~ the next day I don't want to be alone. I miss my husband so much. I know he would want me to be happy but for now, without him, happiness is hard to find.
I have faith that things will get better. The more we loved the person we lost the harder we grieve. We were both blessed with wonderful men in our lives for a very long time. Some women never have that. We can't stop loving and living. The best we can do is try to find a little bit of good in each day.
Please don't make the same mistake I made. We are both too young to be widows. I would sit and think about possibly facing another 30 years without my husband. I would go into full blown anxiety and panic attacks. I had to learn from this web site to take each day as it comes~get through today and don't think about tomorrow. Eventually we will be able to think about moving forward. The pain and loneliness is overwhelming at times. Cling to those people in your life that want to help you and who make you feel good about yourself. Writing is good therapy and crying is really good for us. Don't hold it in.
We'll all get through this with God's help and the strength we find from this site. There are very caring people here who are all suffering. Take one breath, one step, one day at a time.

Apr 20, 2011
Also
by: Rick

My wife Marsha also had Fibro Sarcoma She passed away 2-13-11 we were married 40 years she was 58 years young. I know what the feelings of loneliness.I still cry every day. Stay on this site i have had many people give me great advice Great site to talk on or just vent. I pray that you get peace in your heart. it will take time.
.

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