My Jimmy My heart

by Maria
(NC)

We were married at a very young age. I was 16 he was 19. No we didn't have to get married.. This month would of been our 36 year anniversary. Jimmy started getting constipated about a year ago. We tried all kinds of remedies. After always feeling constipated no matter what he said he thinks he needs to go to the doctor. I waited outside in the waiting room while he was examined. He texted me and said it was a boy and that I was the mother. We lol. He came out and said the doctor felt something and wanted him to have an ultra sound. So we went to the appt. The tech saw something and they wanted to do a CT right away they didn't want him to leave the building. We got the call that after noon to come in and see the dr. Oh no not a good sign. Jim we have set up an appointment for you to go to the surgeon in the morning. WE didn't think anything of it. Simple operation and your done.

We saw the doctor and as he looked over the CT he started shaking his head as he kept reading he kept shaking his head even more. Jim and I looked at each other and our hearts sank we knew then it wasn't good. Jim do you know what the test result are? No, the doctor just told us it looks like cysts. No it's not cysts. You have several masses. We need to do a biopsy.

The date was set. We may know the results that day what this is. Sorry we won't know the results today maybe in a few days. We call the doctor back do you have the results? No call back in a week. Let's set up an appt for next week the results should be in then. So we call before we are supposed to go in and still no results. Ok let's set up an appointment for another week. ok appointment set for sure they will be in by then. We get a call the next day we have the test results. The doctor has time within the next hour can you come in. Well ok, we are on the way. We get the new Spindle Cell Sarcoma with a secondary nerve sheath. In our words it started in his nerves in his back on the left hand side. We are referred to a surgeon. I might be able to operate but not at this time it's to big and wrapped around your Aorta in several spots. It's also wrapped around your kidney and pushed it up and out of the way of where the kidney normally lays. It's also wrapped around your intestine. Doc refers him to radiation doctor. No radiation it's to big and too many areas. Doc refers him to a chemo doctor. Didn't like her attitude. Only a 20 percent chance it will work.

Lets go for a second opinion. So we start the whole process over. We go to the head oncologist at one of the leading cancer centers. This doctor is the best. Ok so let go see him. Again we hear maybe a 20% chance it will work, maybe. So he starts chemo 1st round sick and weak and got a lung infection. Second round reduced the dosage. First scan after chemo. Some grew, one shrank a small amount. ok now what. The next round is a trial but it can make you very sick and could damage your heart.

What damage my heart that the only organ working good. We do research and make the decision to not go that round and let the doctor know he doesn't want that chemo. If I don't do the chemo how much time do I have 1 year at best. You need to go on hospice. OK really and you have to move to a bottom apart so you can get out and about when you feel up to it. Ok we do what we have to do.

Hospice gets set up. He asks the hospice nurse if he could do a road trip at the end of march. No you need to go now and you should fly. So we make arrangements and start our trip. I loose my wedding ring at the airport. Not the time to loose it. I am crushed my husband is sick and I loose my wedding ring. The people at the airport turn everything over. I mean they looked and looked and looked until they couldn't look anymore. jimmy says it's ok honey we have it insured. That's not the point. Its my ring! Ok what can we do we have to get on the plane. First part of the trip went well. We went by our old places where we grew up. Had fun he even won 500 dollars at Bingo he was thrilled. He played drums with my brother and we went to his favorite place to eat Famous Dave's a rib joint. We even brought some sauce home. The next leg of the trip is to our daughters.First part of the trip to our daughter was pretty good. I was sick with a cold and went straight to bed as soon as we got off the plane. Just as I start to feel better his belly is getting swollen and tight and he is having a hard time breathing. We are supposed to leave ion Tuesday but the Ice storm of the century hits Dallas of all places Dallas. So we are stuck. We call the hospice nurse and she comes over to evaluate him. He needs to go to the hospital and get the fluid drained off. So we did they took off nine pounds of fluid.

We finally make it out on Saturday a long trip when your husband is on morphine and other pain meds. We finally get home he is very tired and uncomfortable. I watch him over the night and he is restless. I could tell he wasn't there. I had to take a shower and asked him not to get up because he was unsteady. So I take a quick shower and come out to check on him and there he is sitting at the table going through misc papers. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was taking care of business. It took me a long time to convince him to get back in his chair and that everything was fine and that I would be ok. So we get in bed and he is restless all night. The next morning his is swollen again to the point to where he was a few days earlier when they drained off that 9 pounds of fluid. He is having problems breathing and getting uncomfortable. So the Hospice nurse comes out and says we need to go to the hospice facility. So we go and he is restless all night taking his clothes off pulling everything off him ripping out his IV. He finally settles down for a few hours then I get up to talk to the social worker. She says sometimes people pass away while their loved one go for a walk or go to the store, I am so glad we had that conversation. I went into the room and he said he had business to do. I said oh honey no you don't I am taking care of things. I will be alright. you just rest I love you and will be right back. I had to run to the house to get some money in the bank. I took a quick shower and the phone was ringing. It was Hospice. Jimmy passed away within 30 min of me being gone.

I was a reck. I had to have a friend walk me into the facility. I was so dazed and confused. I walked into his room and it didn't even look like him. If he didn't have his glasses on and I didn't trust the people who were there. I would of said this is NOT my husband.

But it was him he looked so hollow in the face. He was already cold. I didn't know it would happen so quick him getting cold. I kissed his lifeless head and told him I loved him and stroked his head and and told him I loved him and spent some time with him alone. Not really saying anything. Just being with him. I wish I would of stayed longer now. But I just couldn't then.

As I write this I am crying now and my heart hurts so much.I Want him back. But he is not coming back. I expect him to come through the door still. I roll over in bed and think he is there and he isn't. and again my heart breaks over and over again. I miss my guy of 38 years. Everybody said it would last. Well we were still married to our original partner and they had all divorced some of them many times over.

God gave us to each other at an early age. We loved each other through the good and the bad through the times of plenty and the slim times when all we had was oatmeal for a week solid breakfast lunch and dinner. I miss him and I am scared and I don't know who I am anymore and this totally sucks to have to go through this.